Being Inquisitive

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T19:01:00.000+08:00

Its been a while since I blogged. Just spent 4 weeks in a retreat out of Malaysia. I wondered this time would I miss home. Strangely the moment the next experience happen, I hardly think of home. I noticed that I think of home when conditions are less favorable that what I experience at home. Looks like the mind is constantly making comparison and judgement.

As I see more n more of daily scenes in the place that I went, I notice an acceptance or a settling in to see what the world I view then is the norm. I came to accept walking bare footed , people spitting betel nut juice in the road, walking around wt sarong and is norm.

When I touch down in LCCT n saw rain, the mind was so happy as it had not seen rain for 1 month.

What I know for this moment on Christmas Day is that I choose to give myself a present of being in the present moment. Merry Christmas !!!

When The Conditions Are Right

2011-10-24T07:19:00.000+08:00

"Everything fell into place" so to speak when I was out with H. We were at an exhibition and made a pact to leave in an hrs time to go for another appointment. As we went round we found something that we were looking for and started to inquire more. After a while when I saw that time has run out and we are late for the next appointment, the thought started the ball rolling and mind started to get agitated as it really wish to move on. With this, the condition is now right for anger to arise and for accusations to fly if there was unconsciousness.

Because of the awareness that the conditions are already set so to speak, I walked ahead as i know it was just conditions working its and attacking H abt being tardy with time would not help matter. Because anger is running its show then, all I could do is to be aware of the show. Because of this lack of interference, the mind state could change to a calmer side quite fast with just residue of anger left.

Because there is residue and less vigilance, a new condition arised when another incident happen. In this incident, the disappointment with myself for making a decision earlier from fear of not getting something, from greed of wanting something and from not trusting myself but trusted others opinion, all this accummulated with me feeling unhappy and upset because I thought I mad a bad decision.

But when the mind saw again that a condition has arised and is doing its work, very quickly peace returned. I had to laugh because there was no wrong decision or mistake. The action taken fr the space of fear, greed and not trusting was exactly the perfect decision and no other decision could have happened. So what is left is not about correcting the situation for what's done is finished. All there is to do is to make a choice for the next moment.
With that freedom is again experienced.

Missing Permissions in Life

2011-08-06T12:19:00.000+08:00

Last weekend I attended a workshop in Singapore that was specifically for identifying beliefs that I had unconsciously absorbed within 0-7 years of my life and because of this it has been like a default program that is running my life.

For most people, it would be something that they are not even conscious about because it is just taken as it is. For example, if a person gets sick more often than others, we would put it down that the person is weak and fragile and therefore easily get sick. So what the person will do is go and see the doctors, take supplements, exercise, stay in a more conducive area and etc..... It may seem with all the changes made, the person falls sicks less frequent but this does not mean that the person is not healthy. From the course, I learnt that the person can take all those action but the program that he has incorporated from 0-7 years old may be one that does not give him/her permission to be well.

So in other words, the signs of the person being sick frequently are just indicators for the person that there is a program inside that working against the person (so to speak), so until the person clear the program, he will constantly be having health issues.

The same is about phobias..... if a person has a phobia of water or insects, each time they are near water or the particular insect appears, they freak out or they avoid. In other words, there is a lot of emotion felt when the phobias situation arises. For some, they do not even know when the phobias started. Some said that it may be from past life but whatever it is .... it produces intense emotions. So, if the person has this phobia, their lives are limited so to speak whereby they may not go swimming, or be in the outdoors etc.

Being logical does not help because the program of the phobia is already running. What we can do is to clear the emotions around this. There are many ways to do it from Past Life Regression, EFT, Hypnosis, Timeline therapy etc.

However, I discovered that an important recognition tool that is needed is actually mindfulness because with mindfulness, we are aware of the signs and the non interference way of collecting information through mindfulness, allows us to see the reactions. For some, through, mindfulness, the phobias can also be cleared. The same I guess is with clearing defective programs in our lives. :)

Tunnel Vision

2011-06-30T23:26:00.000+08:00

I have been observing how often I have tunnel vision with regards to experiences in my life. This tunnel vision phenomena happens when I'm in a state of not conscious of myself or in another word... in automatic pilot. Tunnel vision also happen when there is not stepping back from an experience or emotion resulting in being stuck to the experience hence only old ways of reacting is happening. Tunnel vision also happen when the mind wish to be right or its being righteous hence its my way or the highway :)

I was out with SS for dinner a week ago and I was deep in thought as I was walking along a path to the shop. As the path normally has sales people selling titbits there, I normally just tell them NO. Though deep in thought, there is still an awareness of 2 women standing at the side holding something that looked like food. As we walked passed, they said " Would you like to support single mothers?" and immediately I said NO and continue on my journey. I was able to observe how the mind suddenly had a feeling of guilt for answering NO so quickly. When we sat down at the restaurant which was just a few doors away, I started to laugh and told how tunneled vision I was in the incident with the 2 ladies and how the mind jumped into conclusion that they were the same as previous experiences.

So, I checked that I would like to support the single mothers ..... ( well ... its based on an idea that they need help) but because there was no wisdom present at that moment, it could only be aware (that is why my teacher often mention that "awareness alone is not enough" ) hence old patterns continue to play up. This shows to me the mind will do its own stuff in its own way as if "I" am not there ...... so where is the "I" in all this ?

Interestingly, when there is mindful, the mind has clarity, is alert, is curious, is inquisitive, is in wonderment..... the possibility of tunnel vision is less likely to happen because the observer is constantly observing and checking the attitude and the ideas that are fuelling the actions, speech, thoughts and feeling.

Remaining Stuck to This Reality

2011-06-28T16:54:00.000+08:00

If you take a close look at how velcro works, you will see tiny hooks on one side and strings on the other side. When the hooks catches on the string, they become stuck together. This example came to me while I was having a conversation with GG.

The fact that I believe this reality as REAL, I am unconsciously hooking to all my experiences, thoughts, feelings, actions and ideas. The more hooked I am, the more I view this reality as the only reality that I will experience.

Hence, it is not hard to believe the world is a scary place for myself and I guess for many people. However, I notice, if there is an acceptance that the ego likes to hook on so that it can perpetuate this reality, there is actually a form of stability created in the mind to just watch it as the nature of ego. This will in a way, slowly and surely has an unhooking effect. Though I still experience the thoughts, feeling, action and experiences as real but the wisdom kicks in with appropriate questions that helps me to unhook. A new question that recently popped up in my space that helped me not to be so identified with this reality is "How is this incident/experience perpetuating the hold on this reality? " Answering this question has been fun.

An incident that happened recently where I had not had enough sleep and had to be up early to fetch my mom. Due to the tiredness, I started to act snappy towards her and see wrongness in the way she does some things. Though there is awareness of the anger but because the attitude is not right...... hence the desire to be snappy continued. After snapping several times I decided to keep my mouth shut. When I asked the question, normality returned to my space but when the mind goes back to the wrong idea, it goes back to wanting to be snappy. So I told my mom, pls ignore me for awhile as anger is rearing its head now and I went out to take a walk to pay some bills at the post office. As I walked there I asked the question again and then allow it to be. By the time I got home, clarity/sanity has returned.

Some of the hardest ideas to unhook are those that are deep seated and has a lot of righteousness invested in it. These are super velcro ideas that may take a lot of gentleness and also patience for understanding to arise.

Ideas, Ideas, Ideas

2011-06-03T17:39:00.000+08:00

My nieces came over to stay with me for the last two nights as they expressed that they would like to spend time with me during this school holidays. I notice that I started to give them conditions to their stay.... must make their bed, remember to switch off the lights and fan when not in the room, blah blah blah....

When I check the mind, it was because I wanted to experience them in my own way....I wanted to have a tidy house, I wanted to save electricity etc ... all these wanting is not allowing me to experience them for who they are maybe because I am scared I may not be able to accept behaviours that are out of my boundary of tolerance. So when not conscious of these ideas, I was criticism them about not switching off the lights etc. But when I was aware, I will still ask them to switch off the light but its done in a gentle way and not in a reprimanding way.

It is very true we do things based on our ideas and intentions. I was making pizza dough today and after it was done, I placed it to rest for 30 mins and it doubled in size. I could see the mind was very happy. When my niece wanted to help, she immediately took the dough out and flatten it...... The first thought that came in the mind was "Oh No... there goes the dough" ... of course I told her she should not have done that and immediately she retreated back to the living room to read her book. Again, it was based on an expectation that the dough should be of certain way that I got upset.... When I related this to her, she was relating to me that was exactly what happened when I cut some embroidery string for her a different way from what I did earlier. She told me that she was upset because of her expectation. Of course, she could not see it when the incident happen but when we were talking about it later, she could relate the example to me.

So, I can really screw myself up with I am not aware which idea is operating currently.

Giving & Receiving

2011-05-29T21:02:00.000+08:00

I was with my study group and we were talking about the first chapter of the book Non Violent Communication. One of the activity was to share an incident where we were giving from the heart and how we felt and vice versa when we did not give from the heart and how we felt.

As everyone started to share their story, I was seeing that in instances that they genuinely give from their heart, they feel very nice and I could see it on their face. However, if they give or did not give after some thought, there seemed to be a different look on their faces. I find it facinating.

One thing i found interesting in each of us seem to have the mentality that we can give to those that is seen to have less than us but we cannot receive from those who we perceive have lesser than us. For example, its ok for us to give to a beggar but its not ok for a beggar to give to me because it would be deemed not right.

Another interesting thing I realised that a lot of times the giving is thwarted because of a thought that came in after the intention to give. In a way we thwart our own compassion with logical thinking

A thing that struck me very clearly last night was that each moment is different. For instance, when a person wants to give something to us, we can make the giving complete by receiving but because of a logical thought, we stop the receiving from our end and the giving is not complete.

So there is a need for wisdom too in the giving and receiving. A giving that is sincere, is felt by the giver and the giver wants nothing in returned from the giving except the receiving. If the receiver is in doubt they can always be open by asking the giver their intention. The problem is that, we never ask, we make up some stories in our mind and act according to the story. If the story is about us being indebted to the person or its not right to receive from someone deemed having less than us, we shut off the receiving quickly to protect ourselves.

Same goes with receiving. We can receive from the heart and know nothing is expected in return or we can receive from the space of doubt and suspicion. Either way, only we will experience it.

I came to an interesting personal conclusion is that what is actually important was how the mind is relating to the cycle of giving and receiving. Meaning here is that what is the idea that is present in the giving and receiving. Is it coming from wisdom or ignorance

Self Deception

2011-05-24T16:52:00.000+08:00

Recently, I was observing an interesting phenomena in myself after it was brought to my attention while in a conversation with someone.

I've noticed how I layer ideas upon ideas to guide me in operating in this world and because of this layering, I seem to have an idea to run everything.
For instance, if i have the idea that "others needs are more important than mine" or "to be a nice person, I must give in" or If I don't get what I want, its just my destiny." or " wanting things is wrong or its selfish" , I will take action and speak according to these ideas.

With these thought, if I were going shopping with a friend and both of us like the same item, I would most likely not to express my like for the item when my friend has expressed her like because it would seem that I'm not nice and to make myself feel better I would layer another idea on top of the first idea like "its only a material good, its not permanent" . This will seem to put the mind to rest but am I really ok ?

From my observation, its not ok because I have shut out the possibility of seeing how the mind relates to all the wanting or desiring and to learn about the nature of it. By putting ideas as Band-Aid, I shut the case up very quickly and this disallow me from learning more about the mind. In another words, I'm not learning, I'm just fixing things so that I can maintain my seemingly peace of mind. In other words, no wisdom is grown. What is grown is just tolerance. If there were no big issues, I could well operate my whole life like this.

Having the ideas are not wrong. The ideas are what I call first level information for us to train our mind with some information for us to ponder and use our intelligence to apply it but as we progress in our practice, we must also look into this information to see how its operating in our system to learn from it. Unfortunately, we take the information given as the ultimate truth and regurgitate it in the situations that we experience. We are not learning to observe the relationship we are having in the mind with regards to the information.

As the Buddha said, we need to let go of the raft once we are at the opposite shore. Hanging on to the raft just hinders our progress.

Unnecessary Suffering

2011-05-19T15:53:00.002+08:00

I came back from helping out and also participating in a 4 days retreat over the weekend till Tuesday. One of the thing that was discussed was the work of Byron Katie and on the 3 kinds of business. My business, your business and God's business. I was reflecting that when we are in our own business, there is less suffering and I had the opportunity to see then while having a conversation with a loved one. I'm sharing my take on her experience because it makes me see myself.

She was sharing with me how inconsiderate her MIL was to ask husband to fetch them back to hometown after arriving late from a holiday. And they had to take her car as his car had a flat tyre leaving her to take care of the flat tyre the next day before she goes to work. I could hear the pain and accusation she is in as she could not understand their action. It struck me there and then that she was in their business and also there was no acceptance that it was their nature to be like that because that is the behaviour they were displaying. Its just that their nature is not her nature.

I reflected how often I do not accept nor see other people's for their nature because its different from mine. Because of this I suffer ONE time. In my mind I want them to be different to fit my view of how people should be. This becomes my SECOND suffering. And I try to change them to fit my view by persuading, threatening, etc. This makes up my THIRD suffering. Isn't it wonderful how I wallow in suffering and blame others for it. Because of this focus to change others, the mind is totally closed.

I shared with my loved one that if she accepted their nature, she will have more peace and if she can see that she has a choice to also leave the punctured tyre car for her husband to come back to repair, she could easily have asked for a ride from a colleague or take a taxi to work saving her all the suffering. So, my learning from here is that we cannot see any strategies if we are totally embroiled in our suffering. In the end, our relationship with our spouse would be affected and if we do not come back to our own business, our relationships suffers because we carry the anger and resentment forward.

So, its true that suffering is optional !

Life Purpose

2011-05-02T09:05:00.001+08:00

I have always wondered what is my life purpose. From young I thought life purpose is to be happy and with that I need to get a good education, be financially secure, have a family, insurance and a good retirement plan. As I embark on the spiritual journey, I realised that all the above that I use to guarantee a happy life is not IT. Looks like I've bark at the wrong tree.

Recently, I was re-aquainted with the practice of H'oponopono and it has brought out the fact that everything that comes into my space is my responsibility. And my responsibility is to clear the data or misperceptions that I have about things.

TL sent an email to me this morning and one paragraph of his email really hit the nail on the head when he said that "the only meaningful purpose of life is to clear all the garbage,baggage of memories that makes me come back again and again" And all we want is to return "HOME"

Coincidentally,while driving with my mom in the car today, I expresses that each person in life or a day can choose to do nothing, do something good or from wisdom or do something from ignorance. Whatever we choose, the moment or day or life will still be happening. But when we choose to do something from wisdom, which is in this case to clear the garbage, we allow nature or the divine to guide us. In a way, in my understanding, when I clear, "I" get out of the way and let nature run its own course.

But we do not do that because of fear of the unknown, so we spend a lot of our time at work, or with family or doing what we think is the ultimate. I do not believe it is now because though we have work, family etc, they are actually mirrors for us to see what we need to clear. For example, I cannot want a happy family because wanting something is not going to get me what I want, I need to work on the cause..... meaning that I have to clear all the data or misperception and then when its clear, things will flow. So its not about getting something or going anywhere, its about clearing and all will come into play.

What a paradox of life. I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you , I love you.

Uncontrollable Hearing

2011-04-28T18:50:00.000+08:00

I was having breakfast with mom today at a coffee shop and fortunately or unfortunately we were sitting next to a table of 3 taxi drivers having their teatime. I could not help it but to hear their conversation which was abt SEX and their encounters with women in the flesh trade. I was watching the mind n was aware of a mix of emotions like awe, tickled and shocked that saw the judgement that people was not suppose discuss such stuff in a public place.

So at a point the mind was relating go it with dislike. Once I saw that, I posed a question to the mind, " is it necessary?" and the attitude immediately changed.
The interesting realization is that I cannot control the sound that comes and it's just my perception that makes it unpleasant. Hearing is just hearing n peace returns.

My mom made a remark that we should not have sat near then and the taxi drives are disgusting people. I reflected on that and you know what, they are just being their own nature and they did not ask our opinion on their conduct. So who is disturbing who ? The answer? It's just the mind doing what it does.

In the end of the day it's just nature happening .

Shining Light on Suffering

2011-04-17T01:05:00.000+08:00

For quite sometime I have been observing the repetitiveness of life where a person has to wake up, eat, work, sleep, pass motion etc. I remember commenting to SS that what would it be like if we do not have to eat? I think a lot of the world's problems will be solved. I could see that in a way all that we do daily is in the service of sustaining this body of ours. I felt trap in this cycle thinking of the meaningless of all this. I know that I can enjoy good food and different type of food but the crux is still that the eating has to happen to sustain this body or else it will die.

At the same time, there is a constant living in a state of stress where we are upset when we don't get what we want or when we are in pain or the constant wanting of thing to be the way we want it to be. Basically, every uncertainty triggers a barrage of feelings and fear.

In a way, life feels like a prison but I have learnt to decorate my prison to make it look less like a prison by buying stuff, by eating different type of food, by going on holidays, by playing safe etc. But whatever I am doing or wherever I am, I still have to eat, sleep, pass motion and feel
.
Recently learnt that there are Dukkha of Feeling, Doing and Being. Strangely, when I see life as meaningless, I am reacting in anger. If I keep looking for something new in my life, I'm actually operating from Greed. And if I view that life is actually like this, its good and no need to change then I am deluded. So, in a way, I'm constantly in Dukkha. Is there a way out ? If there is, I have not found it yet because I'm still embroiled in the feelings and the drama of life.

From a sharing by TL & LF, there is a way out and its through Wisdom. So, now there is an urgency for me to continuously be aware, to step back from what is happening, to collect data so to speak until wisdom is able to see the futility of the cycle and see the way out. Its like the situation where we would not hold on to a hot potato once we know its hot, we would drop it. If we are ignorant, we will hold on to the hot potato though its burning our hands but with wisdom, we would drop the hot potato because its not beneficial for our life. I look forward to dropping the hot potato :)

Mindful .... Really ?

2011-04-10T00:21:00.001+08:00

I was so sure I was mindful
Am I or am I not ?
How can I say I'm mindful
when experience is where I'm at
I've missed the mark totally

Ignorance or Wisdom ?
Which is powering my live now?
Such a thin line to differentiate both
But differentiated it must be
For from wisdom comes clarity
From ignorance comes more ignorance

Step back.. step back
All that is needed is to step back to see
Nature is Nature
When I argue with it I lose
When I see it as it is then
wisdom has done its job
Is it "I" who did the job ?
If I believe "I" did the job
Woe begone Ignorance has paid a visit

Stepping back is actually stepping forward
How can that be ?
Truly it is
Isn't life a paradox ?

The Power of Wanting

2011-04-03T17:38:00.000+08:00

Recently I was experiencing wanting something so badly that all I could think about was "how am I going to get it?" "why I cannot get it"?" "poor me in not having it yet", "how come he is denying me of what I want?", "I don't deserve not getting it" and on and on and on the thoughts went.

It was pretty interesting because as I observed the train of thoughts, there was more and more anger arising and its aimed at the person who I perceived as blocking my way in getting what I wanted. On the other side of the pendulum swing, there was a feeling that I was a victim of someone's selfishness. Either way, I could see that the force of the wanting was so strong that it caused some insomnia, some acting up, some uncalled for actions and speech towards others.

The whole episode of watching was for me to see how when I buy into a certain thought pattern, in this case wanting something so much, the mind kind of go into an addictive state until there is not rationality in it. The mind seem to perceive that since others have it, so I must have it too, to fulfill the belief I have that by having that thing, I would have done something correct. ..... and as I observed further, I could see that I do not care if I really, really needed it or not, it was more that I wanted to be approved.

The force of the wanting was so big it was all consuming but with a little light of clarity, from the observing mind that were at times not contaminated with the wrong attitude, the mind could see how deluded it was.

Its like a story that LF told me a long time ago about a person spotting a nice dress while window shopping and the mind could not stop thinking about the dress and the next set of actions was to ask others opinion on buying the dress. At the same time, there is worry that the dress would be bought by others together with the guilty thoughts of spending so much money on a dress. At the end the person bought the dress.... but was it bought from the energy of love and joy ??, Nope!!! .... it was bought from the energy of fear and worry. In a way, it was a case where the person cannot stand being in the state of fear and worry. Because of the dislike to those feelings and wanting to end the suffering, the person buys the dress.

If we can do that over a material things, what more over non material things like respect, love, approval etc.
What I know from the experience is that the feeling that is felt when consumed with wanting, it not a comfortable one.

For now, I finally understand what my teacher said, " We never get what we want". We never get what we want by the fact that we want, actually, what we get its the conditioning which is cause and effect.
Because the mind has been trained in the past that by wanting something, we will get it..... it goes into that mode of wanting which is an unproductive mode.

Quick Fixes

2011-03-26T22:56:00.000+08:00

I was having a conversation with LF today and in the midst of the conversation, she mentioned that people like to have their problems fixed. I could not agree more. This is why people to and see Doctors, Therapist, Healers, friends etc. We all want the unpleasant feeling we experience when we have problems, to go away so that we can experience happy or pleasant feelings. I have wondered many a times on how wonderful life would be if I could just wave a magic wand and makes all the experiences I don't enjoy disappear ..... but ...... that is just wishful thinking.

I came to an insight that actually the experiences that I label as unpleasant are precisely those that are meant to heighten my awareness and grow wisdom. If life was hunkydory all the time, where is the opportunity for met to be aware and to crank up the curiosity to observe all that is going on in the body mind? So I conclude that experiences are meant to elicit feelings and thoughts that will either lead us to greater understanding of our mind patterns or lead us down the path of self judgement and doubt. One path leads to wisdom and the other to being stuck.

So, I may wish to crawl into bed and have the blanket over me when problems come a calling but it seem that this path is no longer a long term solution for me as the more I'm on this spiritual journey, the more I'm seeing the surrealness of things and events when the mind steps back from an experience to see what's happening within and not to be fixated by external drama.

Though sometimes I feel inadequate to handle all the experiences but I count my blessings that I have good friends who render support when the mind is unwilling and the spirit is low. Strangely, though the ego still wants quick fixes but whatever little wisdom that is here knows differently. The journey continues

Accept or Suffer

2011-03-25T14:10:00.001+08:00

Last week my whole family went on a road trip n at the end of the trip, my nephew n mom started to be sick. I thought it was a small matter but after a few hours on arrival at home I also started to vomit n have diarrhea. For 2 days plus I felt very weak n could not eat much.

Throughout the experience, the mind was aware of the discomfort experienced, the judgements and the wanting to be well. With acceptance that currently that was the experience being experienced, there was no fighting n what was experienced was a body that could rest easily. I notice there was no tension even though I had to wake up to go to the toilet.

I notice that in one occasion when the stomach was bloated throughout the night n the mind was experiencing a dislike to the sensations. This time, the mind bought into the thoughts and feeling and what the body experience was difficulty in relaxing and rest did not come easily though the body was tired. What a difference when there is acceptance n when there isn't.

In a way when we empathize with what's happening within, the energy that is around the experience can sort of just dissipate on it's own. In short, how long we suffer bodily n in the mind is dependent on the level of acceptance.

Spiritual Journey

2011-02-27T00:43:00.000+08:00

Today I was at CnC participating in 2 events. The first one was the Conscious Living and Conscious Loving Roundtable and the second was a forum where I was the moderator for 4 persons sharing on their spiritual journey.

The first session is for those who had certain issue that they would like to resolve and were looking for some clarity. The second session was a sharing to allow people to learn from each other.

I realised that in the midst of both the sessions, it would seem that everyone had an issue and though it looked very diversed, a clear thing I could see is that it was all effects of a cause which at that moment the person is unable to identify. TL put it very nicely, if a person were able to be aware and identify the cause, they would no longer be affected by the patterns. So, it was clear that being aware is one part of the spiritual journey.

The other parts is about being patient with self as the exploration of self takes place using the tools that each has learnt. What was clear was that its was natural for each person to customise a certain tool for their own clarity and understanding.

Whatever the tool used, it was clear that the speakers all experience some changes as they walk their path. A very clear change was that they were no longer so attached to things and people. They feel lighter and freer, more accepting of things and there is also a sense of steadiness in maneuvering life's daily challenges. Of course, their self love increases the more they look within instead of without. The speakers were all in consensus that there is a need for honesty and integrity towards themselves about their own journey so that there is acceptance and willingness to see through whatever ugly stuff that comes up.

I thought it was great that there was no fixed method to walking the spiritual journey, each person must have the freedom to discover the method or tools that will work for them. And when the time is right, it also means time to let the tool go.

Live in The Present Moment

2011-02-23T21:03:00.000+08:00

I was doing a new training session with SN last weekend. I asked the participants to list down the life they wish to experience physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally.

The answers that were given were that they wish to experience health, peace of mind, clarity, joy, energy, free from disease just to name a few.

When I mentioned to them that they can experience all that now, they were so skeptical.... it was hard for them to believe. I can see why because there is a belief that things cannot be so easy. What if at the basic level, things are indeed just that easy :)

I realised that they may not understand what I was saying. I wanted to tell them that in the Present Moment, they have and can make choices. There is no choice in the past because the past is over and there is no choice yet in the future because its not here. What we have in just the present moment and if we are hooked onto the past or future, we are not HERE, not PRESENT to what we are experience, so where is the choice? If we are not present to what we are experiencing, whatever we are experiencing are seen in the light of a past perception.

I mentioned that for example, if a person was sitting for a long time at the computer and if he is unaware, he will do it for hours and this would be his pattern to sit. This may eventually lead to bad posture and back ache. However, if he is aware that his posture is not correct, he can at the moment of awareness just stretch, breath and readjust his posture.... However, it may be within 5 seconds he goes back to the old posture if he is again unaware. What I was getting at was that .... at the moment that he is aware, he is actually experiencing correct posture which leads to good health........ all he has to do is continuously be aware of himself and each moment of awareness brings about correct posture which eventually lead to him feeling more healthy because he no longer practice the old way of sitting. I was reading the newspaper just now about a story of a man in China who died after sitting in front of a computer for 3 days, hardly moving or eating or drinking because he is so hooked to online gambling. So, this proofs that being unaware can lead to death

SN mentioned that while we know its true, its quite hard for those who are suffering from debilitating illness to see this because they are constantly in pain. I do not have an answer to that question so far.

What I know is that if I was constantly aware of what going on in the mind and body, I have a better chance of understanding it compared to being unaware.

What is Success?

2011-02-15T15:40:00.003+08:00

"What Is Success"

by Ralph Waldo Emerson

To laugh often and much;

To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;

To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty;

To find the best in others;

To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived;

This is to have succeeded.

Weather n Mood

2011-01-31T18:27:00.000+08:00

Its been raining for two days and at first it was quite pleasant but I noticed as the rain continued and the sky is downcast, I started 2 notice a feeling of uneasines creeping in. Why?
Naturally as humans we r affected by our environment and the funny thing is that we are never satisfied....we can only be comfortable only 2 a certain extend and if the weather become colder or hotter or more wet or more dry than we expect, the mind starts 2 complain.
I pondered if I can't accept what is with regards to the weather which is just nature at work.... How easy would I accept other experiences as it is?

In my drive to Melaka just now I was just observing how the mind was having the same nature like how I perceived the weather. I perceived the weather as gloomy n I don't like it and the mental state started to be gloomy too....after wallowing in it unconsciously for a bit, some wisdom kicked in or maybe holy spirit was present , a question popped in the mind "see things as it is" and suddenly its like the veil of gloom lifted. Interesting experience. 

Nuggets of Wisdom from Retreat : Action without/with Wisdom

2011-01-05T10:13:00.000+08:00

There was an interesting incident while I was in the retreat where I observed that there is a tendency for everyone to just follow the actions of others without really questioning it because the mind is not alert enough to question the wholesomeness of the action. Its like the saying " Monkey see, monkey do". This comment is not to degrade anyone because I noticed that it applies very much to how I just follow others without questioning too.

The incident that popped this insight is when I observed that there were some people following the teacher around on his alms round in the village. While the teacher was receiving the alms from the villagers, some of those following were giving out sweets or biscuits or corn to the village children. I can see that the giving can come from the perspective that these villagers do not have much and they should be helped. On the surface level, it seemed all innocent and perfectly compassionate because its a good deed. I do question in the mind on "What could be wrong with this action?". I did not see the other side of the situation until it was pointed out to me that the people in the village comes out to give alms to the teacher when he goes round their village out of their faith in the teachings.

But when we follow and give to the children food constantly without the permission of their parents, it seems that we are teaching the children that when they see foreigners, there is expectation of receiving some form of goodies from them. Hence their attention is no longer in the alms round but on the expectation of goodies.

From this, I pondered deeply that there are many occasions that I do things because "I" think its correct and wholesome in my perspective and not even bothered to question or look on a wider perpective. Sometimes, I know this is because the wisdom in the mind is not present and also because there is not enough information or just too driven by the desire to do good.

From here, I realised that its important for me to know my intention when I wish to do a good deed and see if the intention is from wisdom or ignorance.

Nuggets of Wisdom from Retreat : Experience is just Experience

2011-01-04T23:05:00.000+08:00

I have always put a lot of attention on an experience I am experiencing seeing that as the most important thing in the world at the moment for me.

However, in this recent retreat there is a shift in understanding that actually experience should be treated as just an experience, there is no need to personalise the experience to oneself. I remembered I've read or heard something that Byron Katie said that if a person were to hit her, its over. However, because of thinking in the mind, we hit ourself over and over again though the actual hit was just once. This is because we give so much priority to the experience, be it good or bad and hardly give attention to the workings of the mind who experiences the experience .

Just with this foundational information to see all experiences as just experiences, which the teacher mentioned that we have to constantly remind ourself of it, there was a loosening of the grip towards overly identifying with an experience.There was an incident that I had a conversation with a fellow yogi and she was making nice comments and being very grateful for my help in translating her needs to the office people as she did not speak English. I observed that there was feelings of happiness listening to the comments. Normally, the mind would hold on to this nice feelings and play the comments over in the mind in later time. This time after saying good bye to the yogi, I turned to walk to where I wish to go and I observed that the mind was not thinking of the incident and all I could sense was a residue of the happy feeling. It was truly experiencing the experience as just an experience. And once its over its over. It was quite interesting because the mind was stable and clear and knows that there is no need to hold on to the incident and that it was over. This is truly wisdom at work.

Nuggets of Wisdom from Retreat : Judgement and feelings

2011-01-03T23:01:00.000+08:00

I was away for a retreat for the whole month of December 2010. This is the longest retreat so far I allowed myself to experience. At first the days seemed to passed slowly but in a blink of an eye, one month had passed and I'm back home again.

I realise I came away from this retreat with a lot of learning experiences. In this retreat, it was very clear that when an experience happens, there will be feeling and thoughts of like and dislike. Normally, there is a tendency to get carried away with the like or dislike. And this makes them grow into more desire or more aversion.

As I was meditating, there was an awareness the each time something happens and a dislike takes place, it was easy to get carried away if a person awareness is weak. But if the awareness is strong coupled with the right attitude in observing what is happening, the feeling of like and dislike did not seemed to grow, in fact, there is a tendency of it not staying very long. This result in a more balance view. Every time there is a judgement or strong feeling, I would turn the attention inwards to be aware of the feelings and thoughts. I find that sometimes, just the mere act of accepting that something unpleasant or pleasant has happened, the mind do not stick to the experience so much.

I have always dislike being bitten by mosquitoes when meditating. So each time the sound of the mosquito buzzing around, there was anxiety and irritation and of course the thought was " please don't come near".
I must admit that I took a swipe at a few mosquitoes in anger and secretly, there was a feeling of happiness, if they got whacked. However, one day I changed tactic, when I hear a mosquito buzzing around, immediate, the radar was turned inwards to be aware of the feelings ans thoughts....... the mosquito then landed on the arm and started to have its meal. Though out the whole experience, the awareness was on the feeling and thought. In about 1 minute, the mosquito flew off and I just dab the bitten area with some saliva and continued to meditate. Strangely, there was no itchiness from the bitten spot and very soon the whole experience was forgotten.

So, the mere practice of acknowleging the feeling and thoughts, I was more relaxed during the sitting meditation and was not bother with the mosquitoes and insects . I also practiced this with unexplained sensation that the body sometimes experiences. This practice, helps me not to get too carried away by the feelings and judgement/thoughts.

Willing to Love ?

2010-11-27T00:00:00.000+08:00

There are times when we are feeling out of sorts and its like the world is upside down..... nothing seem to be joyful to do. All that is there to feel is listlessness, stuck and unhappy. So what to do when in such state? Battle it out ? Swear ? Blame others? Scream?

When in this state, it just feels like the spiritual journey is a difficult journey because of the knowing that whatever is happening is just effect of a cause which at the moment is not visible to me yet. So while still experiencing the effects, there are a lot of uncertainty on what is the best way to handle it.

Of course applying the "Do Nothing" approach is a good one because whatever I choose to do from this type of energy would be disastrous. For now, I choose to be aware of all the uncomfortable feeling and thoughts. At the same time wondering what it is all about.

I had a conversation with TL about it and he mentioned that its may be some old issues that has cropped up and it seems that I'm tolerating it therefore making it hard to gain understanding about it. I can see there is a lot of truth about what TL said because when issues come up, its normally an uncomfortable time and there is always a wanting to get rid of it instead of loving what has come up.

For me this is the hard part..... Would I be willing to love the part of me that seemed so unlovable? Would I be willing to be gentle with myself and also with what is coming up? This calling to be willing to love what is unlovable is really a paradox because normally, things that are unlovable are just fragmented or cut of from our view..... sort of like shutting it away in a dark dungeon.

The uncomfortableness of loving an uncomfortable part of ourselves is really something interesting because it require a lot of willingness to constantly be aware of the changes that is happening. At times, it seemed to easy to love the unlovable part and at times,it seems like there is no way to love the unlovable part because of the extreme swing in the emotions. I remembered in a scene in the movie "Matrix" where one of the person on Neo's team met with Agent Smith and requested to be plugged back into the matrix because being in "Reality" was really difficult and he wish to go back to the "Dream" world.

Though it looks like life is easier just by being mindless, in actual case its not because somehow or rather, I have to take responsibility for whatever that is happening and work with it to gain understanding for my higher good.

Mega Sale and the Mind

2010-11-22T23:47:00.000+08:00

For the last few days, I was observing feelings of being out of sorts, like spinning out of my axis. As I reviewed what I'm doing the past few days, they were things that were not done normally by me like spending hours at a shopping mall and in spaces where there is a lot of people. If I was not in these situations, I would not have seen how the mind works in a mega sale situation.

Anyway, I must admit that I'm a bargain hunter, spending hours at end in shopping malls or shops or online trying to get the best deal. This time around, I was observing the mind and saw that the mind that wishes to get a bargain is actually a mind that is also trying not to lose out.So if I got a bargain, then I win, if not, I lose. For instance, if I'm shopping with my mother and we managed to get things at a bargain, we would feel very happy but if not, we felt cheated. But who is to say I win or lose? The funny thing is that it is I who says it based on the perception I have. Because of this perception, there is always a doubt lingering in the mind after a purchase and this can really be very disconcerting because the experience does not seem to end.

I have also pondered why is it that high end malls can exist and why is there people who choose to spend loads of money on branded stuff when the money can be put to better use...... Just looking at this trend of thinking, it is very clear that there are still abundance issues in me because I'm viewing the world from the point of scarcity and moralistic judgement.

I was having a conversation with SS about this and mentioned to him, even if I had a windfall of money and has a free hand to spend all the money, there will be a lot of guilt there because of the old program I have of being thrifty and afraid of being cheated. So how can I spend money without guilt, fear and envy? This is an interesting question that I posed to myself.

I was quite surprised when I had this understanding that I was actually evaluating each experience instead of being in the experience. And what is it about being in the experience ? .... its about giving myself the chance to touch and feel the product, its also about giving the sales person a chance to do his sales pitch, its also about allowing me the chance to ask question and clarify doubts about the product. And throughout the experience, be mindful of the mind that is constantly drawing conclusion about the experience. I realised that whether I bought the product or not was not the main thing, it was the way I'm choosing to experience the experience was the main thing. And strangely, nowadays whether I buy or don't buy the product, there is still an appreciation of what the experience brought.

Being Communicative

2010-11-15T23:02:00.001+08:00

Recently I made an interesting observation while watching 2 person communicating with each other. We humans communicate all the time either verbally or non verbally. Because of the meaning we put into the word and action, we will respond accordingly. Interestingly, while we think we are communicating with another person, in reality, we are only communicating with ourselves.

This is because we interpret whatever the person is saying or doing through our own paradigm/filters/perception. If so happen that the perception of both parties seemed the same, then the communication is then has an agreeable outcome in the eyes and ears of both parties.

However, if what the person says is seen as disagreeable to our perception of how things should be, then an unpleasant situation will occur. So, if we never took the time to investigate what is triggering us and hence start to see the perception we hold, then we would constantly be reacting to the triggers and blaming the other person. We would hold on to our view that the other person is a monster, uncaring, stupid, moron, etc. The normal tendency is to give up in communicating with the other person all together. And if we do still need to communicate with the other person, the communication will carry the energy that the person feels for the other person. The result is even more mis-communication.

I realised that is just so so so easy to stay in our perceptions because it makes us right but it does not give us peace. Like Byron Katie says "Would you rather be right or be free?". Most of us in moment of non conflict will say that we choose to be free but when a conflict happens and if we were unconscious, we would choose to be right.

Making to choice to be right, automatically puts us in a reactive mode as well and gives us tunnel vision. I've seen how a relative choose to be right in his communication and each time he ended up feeling angry, victimised, misunderstood and blames the other person for being stubborn, unkind etc. What a painful way to live life.

I wonder is the satisfaction of being right so great that it totally obliterate the possibility of seeing a situation or person in another light.... and hence a way out from pain ?

Being in Integrity

2010-11-01T22:46:00.001+08:00

I have been having lessons on integrity coming up in my life lately. There were situations that I had to express to someone a definite "NO" for their request because it is not what I would want to be involved in. Hard though it was to stand in integrity but it was a relief to express out the truth of the matter rather than avoiding it.

Another incident was also in the recent training I was conducting and I told the participants that I would like them to come back in time after the breaks because I would like to fulfill the time allocated for the training as promised to the organiser. Interestingly, when I have integrity about time, the participants were almost always on time.

So I wondered why is integrity so important? In my pondering, I realised that having integrity is not about being stubborn but being clear about what resonates with our inner being and what does not. And the best part is there is no faking it because integrity comes from a space of honouring ourselves and not selling ourselves short.

Many a times in the past, I would have easily given in to others because I wish to appear as a nice person or am afraid of not being approved by the other person, but I realised when I do that, I'm only hurting myself because it chips away a part of me.

Another incident that clearly I remember is when D called me up to chat with me about the problems D was having in the office. He told me about subordinate who went on leave without informing him first and then left a load of work for him to complete. Through out my conversation with him, I noticed that I was being triggered by what was happening though at the beginning I was neutral. I wondered why was I triggered. The answer that came to me was that there were still areas that I am not standing in my own integrity resulting in me being pulled into the drama of the other person.

If someone were to ask me if I was standing in full integrity.... I can safely say "NO".... I am still on the journey

Have I Grown ??

2010-10-18T16:38:00.000+08:00

I had a call from a friend last night and she was asking me an interesting question ..... "How do I know that I've grown spiritually?" She mentioned that for the past few years, she has noticed that she speaks out more, is more calm, more grounded and happy. But she had an experience with friends telling her that she has not done enough.

Her question made me think and ponder. I realised that we can always ask other people and they can only give us an answer based on their perception and what is their perception made of ......... its made up of comparing the person they know now with the person they know in the past and from there, if there were any difference, then that would be the thing that they will put it as evidence of the person's growth. Though getting other's opinion is part of the fact finding process, I notice that another very powerful approach is to observe ourselves to see what is happening to ourselves and also use the world we are in, to gauge.... sort of like looking into our reflection and see what its telling me.

So, I asked the friend a question "when someone makes a remark about you, were you triggered ? " she mentioned that not as badly as last time. So, I told her that everytime we work on ourselves and we wish to find out if we had made progress, just see what people around us are showing or telling. If they are saying something to us and we are as badly triggered as before.... this most probably mean that we still have inner work to do.But each time they say the same thing and we are less and less triggered and one day we can just have a good laugh.....then wisdom has grown because we are at peace as its no longer our issue.

Its quite wonderful if we see our outside world as helping to show our progress in our life journey. For a lot of people, the outside world is just a scary place. I remembered TL mentioned that J mentioned before that, we have created this world as our amusement park but along the way we get frightened by what we created and cannot face it.

The more and more observant we are about what is happening, the more we are able to gauge our progress.

Judgement: The Effect of

2010-10-12T15:18:00.000+08:00

Each person make judgements continuously day in and day out. I guess the only time we stop judging is when we are in deep sleep. If we had a dream, most likely there will be judgement being made there too.
We judge so unconsciously that it does not ring any warning bell in us. When we speak and when we are for or against a certain topic, it shows our judgement and idea behind what we are saying.

Surprisingly, even when we do not speak, there is an indication of our judgement on a certain matter. When we show an action, its also an indication of our judgement too...... so we are never free from it.

Today, I had an interesting experience when I went to a shop to buy some rice. As there was no one around, the shop owner chatted with me. He normally weigh the container I give him and then proceed to fill it with 1 kg of rice for me. Today, he weighed the container and then proceed to fill it to the container to the brim and then weighed and it was about 200 gms more. He closed the lid and told me that he is giving me extra because I'm a Tree Hugger (a day earlier, he mentioned that he should hug trees more and I mentioned to him that Clove&Clive has already did a book on Tree Widsom which the centre theme of the photos were tree hugging).

I wanted to protest but resisted the temptation because I could see the idea behind my protest was that I am taking advantage of him. Then also immediately, I could see that from what he said, he has a judgement made that I was a "good" person therefore its OK to treat me nice. I smiled when I realised this.

Then he got chatty and asked me a personal question that goes something like this " I notice that you seemed more fierce than your husband". When I observe the mind, there was arising of some agitation but curiosity got a better of me because I could see he is making another judgement/comparison about me and my husband. Out of fun, I said "Yes"..... I could see he was happy because to him, his judgement is validated. His next sentence was to build on his judgement saying " I can see that your husband is more gentle and allowing". Again I said "Yes". He seemed even happier. Then he proceed to said that his wife is more fierce than him. Again I just said, "Is that so?" and this time he said "Yes"... again he is validating his own judgement about his wife.

I viewed the whole episode with him as very interesting as I was seeing judgement in action in terms of speech and behaviour. So in the end, because I just said yes to his questions, he has in a way concluded his view of me and hubby and will carry that throughout his life and will treat me according to the judgement he has made. In a way, he is not really seeing me at all.

So I pondered, how can I be aware of these judgements? In my analysis, first be aware of the idea/judgement I have and then consciously change the way I ask a person about something I'm curious about. For example, instead of saying " I notice that you seemed more fierce than your husband". Even if I have that idea of wife is more fierce than husband, I can ask in a more open way, allowing the judgement to be confirmed or changed based on the person's answer. For example, the question could be like this...."Between your husband and you, who is more fierce?" I notice this keep the mind in suspense and open and not make a conclusion. If the person said the wife is, I can ask another question to check his meaning of it and so on and so forth until the judgement is investigated.

However, while I was walking home, I pondered (and its my idea) that if every person is conscious of the ideas and judgements that are running their lives, there will be more acceptance.

How Do We Grow?

2010-10-08T21:28:00.000+08:00

I always pondered on why as I got older, though I may said that I like to grow spiritually but there is at the back of the mind, that wants the growth to be easy so as I do not have to deal with so much pain. In fact, I would like to have answers given to me so that I need not bang my head against the wall so much. Another very strong desire is to have someone "rescue" me and make everything right for me. Its sort of like taking the express lane to enlightenment.

However, I realised that growing in wisdom is not always an easy road to walk : ). Sometimes its like taking 2 steps forward and 10 steps backwards..... Sometimes I feel like I've grown a lot spiritually.... and sometimes I feel like I've not moved at all ..... sometimes its like I'm back to square one and moving backwards.

One thing I know is that growing in any area of life requires some challenges. If there was no challenges, we would not be able to stretch our boundaries or to see what we are capable or not capable of.

Interestingly, as a baby, we are hardly afraid to grow... if we fell down when learning to walk.... we did not say, its too hard, I'll just sit here.... we just get up and try again. During this growing process, even when we fall and if it hurts, we cry but there are many times, that we just laugh when we are able to stand a second longer etc.

Recently after a dramatic sharing with SS about how I'm not handling life well and whatever growth I think I have achieve has all came to a "ZERO", In the midst of the dramatic sharing, I could see a soft and gentle mind also present with the anguish mind. Strangely, just being able to recognised the presences of the soft and gentle mind, it was enough to put an end to the drama and to be awakened again to the fact that the spiritual journey is not a 100m dash but a marathon. And of course... wherever I am, there I am. So I guess, I am growing if the drama of life can be seen for what it is quickly and not takes days to regain consciousness again. For that I'm grateful for I can the boundaries expanding.

Simple or Complicated !!!

2010-10-04T23:09:00.000+08:00

Looking at things negatively has been a common trademark for many people I know and I'm no different too. When something happens, before we even know the whole story, the fear, worry, imagining the worse comes in. Why is that so ?..... Its because I already have an expectation of the way things should be or I want things to be a certain way. In a funny way, this means that I would like to live a sanitized life. Accepting each event that comes our way just as it is seems like a far fetched idea if we are not mindful.

When we put the "I" very prominently in the picture, there will always be a holding on, a resisting, an expectation, loads of controlling because we want the blueprint of our lives to be totally laid out for ourselves so that we will always be sure of the next step in life. In an paradoxical way, the thought of regretting something or making a mistake seems to be such a tragedy. But will I truly know what is the next step in life?...... up till now ... I experience hits and misses and still can't seem to get the formula of life right ... so it seems to be futile to be planning a whole life ahead when I have only just today to be concerned about. Its quite funny to see how we trip ourselves up by being in a future orientation.In fact, we complicate our lives and then complain about it. A friend of mine said it well, " Life is actually simple.....just know what you want" ... How many of us know what we truly want ??

Staying Simple

Be blessed
in the basic awareness
of knowing
you do not know
the answers,

In this humbleness
is strength
guiding all
toward their own true nature,

Not the weakness
of complicated cleverness
that disguises the ego
as the master,

Be willing
to blend peacefully
into common-place cycles of life
with sensible precaution
of the silent destiny
always at work,
regardless of your particular opinion,

There lies comforting understanding,
within faithful surrender to the unknown,
invisible, inevitable presence,
that a clearer pattern exists,

Containing the joy
of simply being
amidst the unforced process
of the Tao.

By Gordon Neumann

The Blocks to Veracity

2010-09-26T23:41:00.000+08:00

For quite sometime, a friend H has told me that I was choosing to be nice more than choosing to tell the truth. Because of this, I would hardly argue with people as peace is important to me.

Recently, I was having a discussion with 2 friends and what started to be an innocent topic took a turn to where there was differing view. The mind was getting more and more frustrated during the process and there were thoughts of being unappreciated, victimised and also helpless. It was also a rare occasion that I stuck to my opinion. But as the discussion got on longer, there was as sense that we were all looking at the same topic but from different perspective. The interesting thing for me was that, I realised that at that moment, the mind was really interested in understanding the process rather than the content of what we were talking about. Suddenly the word Veracity popped up in the mind. What is veracity?
Well from a definition from the Egonomic book, "veracity is the habitual pursuit of and adherence to truth. It helps make the undiscussable discussable and closes the gap between what we think is going on and what's really gong on "

I was at a point really fascinated with what was happening and also why we are not seeing things from each other's point of view. Then when the realisation came to me that I was too busy holding on to my position, there was no way I could see their position. I had to laugh when the realisation came. It was like I could see the issues I have that held me in my position .... there were issues of wanting to be appreciated, approved, unworthiness and wanting to be right.

So, I was experiencing the whole discussion from the filters and also from my past experience. However, when I observed what was going on and I choose to put veracity as a priority...... it was much easier to see things in a more detached manner, resulting in more clarity.

Though at the end of the discussion, there was still discomfort over the emotions displayed... I could see that something has shifted in our relationship and it was for the better. It was like we are 3 individuals who feel safe enough to express ourselves because we know there is unconditional love. What we are seeking is just the truth. This in our common goal. There is no need to try and look good in front of each other.

Body Mind Connection

2010-09-11T23:07:00.000+08:00

I was travelling with hubby yesterday and decided not to switch on the air conditioning of the car... why I did that ? At first it was an egoic game I wanted to play with him as to see who will feel hot first.

It was a very funny experiment as he is quite adaptable to heat and as for me, I'm less tolerant to heat. I could observe the ego actually wanted to see him switch on the the air con instead of me and if he did.... this means I win ..... In hind sight.... it was rather funny and I could see that he was wondering what I was up to when I asked him if he is ok every few minutes in my bid to influence him to feel hot

I realised that I could never understand how he tolerate or not tolerate heat and any other things in life.

Interestingly, half way through the journey, the mind switched to seeing itself instead of focusing on hubby....

When I was focusing on hubby.... I could feel that I'm getting warmer and warmer and this is because of the desire to be right and to influence him to feel hot. Strangely, when I just observe the heat in the body and not on winning.... I noticed that the body did not feel so hot and strangely, the body felt some coolness. I was wondering if there was a window opened but they were not. Its like when the mind holds on/wanted something and its not getting it, a lot of energy is expanded in trying to get it. But when the mind is relaxed, the body actually feel less agitated and not so warm.

New Beginnings

2010-09-05T23:29:00.000+08:00

Recently a friend got a job offer and decided to return to the workforce after 2 years of not working. In our chats, she was experiencing mixed feelings regarding the change that is about to happen in her life.

I pondered that change does bring out a myriad of feelings and thoughts because what's ahead is unknown.... For many the unknown is fearful and its better to stick to status quo. I'm also one who likes status quo because in it there is a certain safety and surety...... but then again in safety and surety there is also fear that it would change and more work is put into ensuring that things stays the same.....I find this now rather funny because if something don't end then where is the new beginning? Imagine a person is in a nightmare and it does not end.... what a horror that would be.

I've come to a conclusion that change is going to happen anyway, I might as well learn to accept it..... again its easier said than done because of the judgements that I would have put into the changes that is happening . According to an article written by Christopher Moon, he mentioned that judgement is the glue that sticks us to the reality that we are in. Only in true acceptance and appreciation,we are able to deflate the energy around a situation we are experiencing and then we will be able to experience new realities. And thus giving us new beginnings. If not its the same old story going around and around again.

Another strange insight I gathered is that it takes wisdom for a person to recognise that a change is happening and also recognise all the myriads of feeling and thoughts that is accompanying the change. This recognition is what helps us not to be engulfed by the torrents of emotions and thoughts that will naturally happen when things change. If I'm engulfed in the emotions and thoughts.....then I'm in the thick of the action and definately in this state of mind, I'm no different from a boat without oars or rudder. My teacher has said to me several times that just being able to recognise is good enough..... I'm still learning to appreciate that its good enough to recognise things that is happening in the mind without wanting to fix it.

I think if I can see an ending of something in my life with grace (meaning with recognition, acceptance and appreciation), then I'm allowing myself to see new beginnings with grace too....... wouldn't that be beautiful ?

Mind Your Own Business

2010-08-21T00:49:00.000+08:00

I had a long conversation with GG just now and something she said really struck my mind and it was a good reminder. She was saying something in this effect .....

When we mind our own business we are taking care of ourselves and this gives others the chance to take care of themselves.
When we mind other's business.... we are over extending ourselves and this increases our own burden and we are not doing the other person any favours because we deprived the person the opportunity to learn

Its been a lifelong training that I have to support others and if I said NO to a request, I always felt guilty because it would seem that I'm selfish. Lately, I have the realisation that people can make request for me to mind their business but its up to me to decide whether I would like to say Yes or No. I realised that if I agreed to something without first checking with myself, I'm not honouring my ownself. Then I'll end up performing the request begrudgingly.... which in the end result, takes more time to complete and its completed without joy.

I realised that when I mind my own business meaning that I check with myself, I am able to make clearer decisions and when I chose to extend help/support others..... it comes from a genuine space. Some people has said that minding my own business is such a selfish act. Now I am of the perspective that I have to be selfish wisely so as not to overextend myself. A friend has mentioned to me that we seem to see "selfish" as not good but we need to learn to be "selfish" in a wise way.... I think now... I agree with this statement. Having the component of wisdom in our actions will ensure that there is a balance in the way we live and complete tasks in our daily life. We can be selfish in an unselfish way !!!!

Mirrors in Our Life

2010-08-12T19:46:00.000+08:00

I received this lovely message from a friend as a new year wish which i thought was really nice and meaningful.

"May what you see in your mirrors delight you
And what others see in you delight them
May everyone love you enough to forgive your faults
Be blind to your blemishes and appreciate your virtues"

Our world outside is our mirror of what is happening inside of us. What prompted me to write this is because recently I've been observing that quite a number of people were telling me how bad things are..... complain can be about anything from the government, the neighbours, the road condition to the food. At the end of their complaints were that the things they were complaining about needs to be changed. Who to change it ..... no one knows.

I find it rather funny because if they just changed their perception of things then things would look totally different. For example, there is a neighbour that would honk each time they come in front of their mother's house to signal to the maid there to send the children out or to come take the children. For me, I hardly hear the honking and when I do, the sound was gone after 2 seconds. I have no story attached to the honking. However for the person who stays opposite the house, each time she hears the honking by the neighbour.... she gets very worked up and saying that the honking is disturbing her peace. She wants them to stop honking and even came up with an idea to buy a device that makes loud sound so that each time she hears them honk, she would press the device and make a loud sound too.. I had a good laugh because the story of a 2 second honk has become a whole soap opera of getting back at the other person.

If only the person looked within. If the honking irritated her..... what is it showing about her? It must be mirroring that internally she is not feeling peaceful and there is a lot of anger. If the person takes the time to resolve those unhappiness within maybe ... just maybe the honking, when it happens would not be heard at all.

The mirror out there is showing us areas that we need to work on and not for us to create more and more stories around it until we are totally upset and identified with this illusionary world. Changing our perspective in seeing the things outside will turn them into our teachers instead of our prison guards.

Right & Wrong Mind Training

2010-08-08T23:37:00.000+08:00

I was pondering just awhile ago about the importance of building the right mental muscles or right mind muscle. As in body building, if we do not do it gradually and in the right way, we may damage our body beyond repair.

Sad to say the same goes with training the mind to build the right mind muscle. For many years in my own life, the mind has been given both right and wrong muscle training. The wrong mind muscle training just leads me to more delusion like I can train the mind to believe that my misery is caused by someone out there or my happiness depends on having certain criteria met or showing weakness is a no-no etc. With this type of wrong mind muscle training, what can happen is a lot of unnecessary drama in life resulting in guilt, anger, remorse, blame, coercion, pain etc. The mind constantly experience life in the Victim ..... Rescuer ... and Persecutor prison.

If a mind receives the right mind training whereby the right kind of information is input into the mind and life is lived according to the right information...... each life experience becomes an opportunity to practice, to observe the mind, to be curious about things that happen, to gain understanding and wisdom. This type of mind stands unwavering in facing every crazy, wonderful, sad, funny, angry and confused moment in life. It finds solace not in others but in itself. This I believe is called Freedom and Peace.

I remember LF asking participants in her class which picture they would prefer ...... the picture of a perfectly still and calm lake with a clear reflection .... or the picture of dark clouds, raining with lightning and somewhere in the crack of the mountain you see a nest where a mother bird and her babies nestle there warmly and comfortably.

I personally choose the 2nd picture because life is not going to be calm and hunky-dory all the time. Life is full of ups and downs and to be able to go through it with still a smile on my face, compassion in my heart and wisdom in my mind..... then I would know that the mind has received the right training.

Wishes Come True

2010-08-06T00:08:00.002+08:00

I always thought that when i got all my wishes granted ..... I'll be happy.....but lately.... i think its not so true now.....
I met a wise person and he said if he could grant all my wishes.... what would I want?

I could not believe that at the moment, I drew a blank on what I wanted. I thought I should be jumping up and down and blabbing out my long list of wishes.....

I realised that there is not much that I want because I feel a lot of gratefulness for what I have now.Also there is a knowing that any material goods that I want would only make a difference for a short while.

The wise person laughed and said that I actually do not know what I want and only know what I don't want.. ... Again the truth prevails..... Most of the time I notice in myself and also in others, there is a tendency to state what we don't want and not what we want. Indicating what we want is sometimes seen as being greedy and aggressive. I pondered that there were other reasons that I hardly indicate what I want is because of a feeling of being unworthy of having what I want and also fear of wastage.......

This can be seen in not getting the pair of shoe I want though the current shoe sole is slippery already or not postponing the haircut or ordering food based on price rather that suitability etc This is a pattern that I've been observing about myself a lot and have to consciously stop myself from getting into the runaway train of unworthiness. When there is consciousness, then there is sound evaluation rather than just based on the program of unworthiness.

So, do I still want my wishes granted ?? Ha ha .... after listening to a story of a person wishing for psychic powers and regreting about it later ..... I think I'll just be very careful if I were to make a wish and be conscious of what I don't want and if I were to make a wish it must be from the space of clarity.

Fixation on Results

2010-07-29T18:14:00.001+08:00

I was observing that there is a fixation through out my life towards results. The eyes and the mind is turned towards results so much that the whole existence seemed to be about getting the results, for instance the position in class, the status at work, the amount of money in the bank account, how much material goods amassed etc. The other thing that the mind is fixated in terms of results are feelings be it feelings like happy, sad, joyful, angry, upset, tired etc. Because of this fixation, life seemed to be lived in a state of holding on to a result or avoiding a result or supressing a result or expanding a result or duplicating a result. There seem to be no peace, only an ongoing struggle.

Why this fixation when all these are result of a cause that had already taken place? There is no way NOW to change the bank book balance that reflects less money that I expected or to say I am NOT angry/upset/happy etc when I'm experiencing the feelings now. Being fixated seems to be irrational but the ego mind does not seem to know otherwise. Because of this, life is lived kind of like backwards putting the cart before the horse.

I remember my teacher saying that its unwise to be focused on result when its the cause that we should be working on because when we change a cause, the results changes. Such simple logic but the ego mind seem to be able to comprehend it in theory but not in practical. In the past, when I was training people in problem solving techniques, I observed that people were very caught up with the symptoms of a problem. There seem to be difficulty in differentiating the symptoms from the causes. Only when a person has a clear mind that they can tell the difference between the two and only then the investigation for the true cause of a problem can start.

So, its the same for me, when the mind is cluttered and mindless, there is a fixation to the wrong thing which is the results instead of causes. When there is mindfulness, the mind is able to observe the result for what they are and then work on the cause. A healer, Mr Hari had mentioned before that when we don't like the results... its ok.... we need not hang on to it, we just need to change or create a new cause so that what is experienced is a new result.....

Blessings of a Good Teacher

2010-07-21T21:25:00.000+08:00

I had the opportunity to be around my meditation teacher who came for a 1 week trip. During the time, I played the role of host and also helper. In the 1 week of interaction, I could clearly see how a person who has wisdom and mindfulness live. He was authentic in his expression and seem to see things from a perspective that is very different from me. He was not concerned on how people view him and is ever willing to share his teachings.

For the whole week, I had the chance to ask him questions, listen to him giving instructions, participate in guided meditation sessions and also listen to how he responds to questions from the audience.

In listening to him, I realised that seeds information which he calls Right View are implanted into the mind that will germinate and assist in my journey of mindfulness and understanding. A few things that I clearly remember is :-
a. Thoughts and feelings are seemed strong because there is a like or a dislike
b. Understanding cannot be forced, we need to practice and wisdom will arise naturally
c. Natural awareness does not need any forcing or focusing. All it needs is to remember to be aware. How hard could that be ??? well harder than I thought
d. Only with the awareness of cessation of something, do we see the arising of another..... I thought this was profound because if I am not aware of cessation, I would have the concept of permanence and also there would be a gap in the awareness.
e. When in doubt..... do nothing first.
f. We don't have to control anything but be aware of all that that is happening
g. When I think I've lost it ..... just start again... no need for guilt

I am counting my blessing to have this experience because from the movie "Inception", I learnt that all it takes is for us to believe a tiny idea and with strong emotions about it, the idea will take root in the mind and steer our lives. This can happen with a good or bad idea. So I feel blessed because a mind that has Right View and attitude is just going to make life better and better, freer and freer, more and more balanced and equanimous.
This is the blessing of having a good teacher.

Loss of Mindfulness

2010-07-19T19:36:00.000+08:00

This week has been an unordinary week as my teacher SUT is here to conduct a tour reteat. The concept of the tour retreat is about maintaining natural awareness throughout the day. As we are going out enjoying the sights, there must be a constant reminder to maintain awareness of the 6 sense doors - sight, hearing, smelling, touching, tasting and the mind.

From the teacher's explanation it seem easy but when it comes to practice, its not as easy as I thought. Mindfulness can be lost at the blink of an eye. I notice in myself, I'm less mindful when I'm tired. The teacher gave a very good advice which is when we are tired, its good to be aware of what is happening within us and not to put attention on the outside world so much because this will further draw away or deplete our energy further. We can observe the irritation in the mind, the blame or unhappy thoughts, the discomforts in the body and of course watch this with a gentle attitude. Doing this will prevent a person from acting out from tiredness and it could help a person to gain clarity of mind thus making wise decision and doing wise actions.

During the trip, there was one evening that I felt really tired and I could sense that the scope of the awareness was not wide.... it would like I was in safe mode just being aware of minimal things. I also notice that the mind is rather one track. One funny incident was when I went to collect teacher's clothes to be laundered before I went out with the group for dinner, the mind was tired and after collecting the clothes, I invited the teacher to dinner without the awareness that teacher only eats 2 meals a day. When he looked surprise, I saw the mind feeling irritated as to why the teacher is not making a move. Then when the teacher said that he do not eat dinner, suddenly the mind woke up. It was rather funny to see the mind stuck in a perception and experiencing a suddenly awakening of the mind.

Fear and Its Gifts

2010-07-12T01:18:00.000+08:00

Today is the last day of my rice fasting. This is the day I've been waiting for since I started this. Throughout this journey of just eating rice for every meal in a day, I've gone through many experiences.

In the first few days, as the body adjust to the change in diet, a lot of fear thoughts we on "Can i make it through the whole thing and its still so many days away" At this point the mind was very clear that an intention was already set to go through it. With clear intention, there was also clear resolute.

But as the days goes by.... the mind starts to count the days closely and thinking of ways to speed up the process etc. Just watching this was quite funny because the mind is thinking of ways to go back to a comfortable position. The mind do not like changes because it disturbs status quo.

When I passed the half way mark (in the mind there is a half way mark), there was a new type of fear thoughts emerging.... "I've come so far.... what if I fail now" . I notice there were hardly any positive thoughts at this point. To avoid thinking of the negative thoughts, many a times I deployed distraction strategies like watching television, reading, cooking, etc. All this while, there was also a tiny thought that holds the mind steady "See the day as a day. Be present". I see this thought as a wisdom because I cannot be anywhere else but where I am at that moment.

As I neared the 9th days, uncomfortable feelings start to emerge and more thought like " Oh no.... I'm going to fail". In fact, I called R about the uncomfortable hoping to hear that "Don't worry, everything will be ok", instead I hear him say that normally, people feel uncomfortable the first few days and then the rest of the days will be ok. But since my discomfort started so late, I'll have a difficult time......Whoa... that was not what I want to hear...... Strangely.... after hearing this.... there was an even greater clarity to stay in the moment and not project to the future..... the next day all the discomfort disappeared.

As I neared the last 3 days....... there were some paranoia about telling people that I was almost near completion because of fear again about failing at the last minute.....

The whole journey has been an interesting one watching the various forms of fear but I believe it all boils down to fear of losing face and having to repeat something which in turn spells failure. I have pondered that for the longest time, fear has always lead the way but it need not be so. What is the gift behind all this fear? For every fear that presents itself to me..... it is a call to see the gift it bring. What are the gifts I got ?? Its the gift of perseverence, the gift of patience, the gift of gentleness, the gift of intention and the gift support.

Getting Clearer and Clearer

2010-07-09T21:10:00.000+08:00

I was having a frank discussion with TL recently and we were talking of how at every turn in our daily experiences the ego is there to egg us on. I was describing to him my understanding of the progress and process in gaining understanding from situations we encounter.

I described that at the beginning when I did not have much wisdom cultivate, I would react based on a default program/idea that is unconscious to me. In fact I would not have any thoughts of questioning the program but point to the outside world as the cause of any unhappiness.

When the practice of remembering to be mindful becomes more constant and consistent, I would start to observe what happens as an observer, observing the thoughts and feeling. I could still be embroiled in the drama around the situation but the stickiness to the drama will be shorter.

When mindfulness becomes a default program, the mind not only sees the thoughts and feelings but also can start to ask questions and find out the ideas that is powering the thoughts and feeling. At this point in our discussion, I told TL that when the defilement is perceived to be bigger than whatever wisdom I have at the moment.... I would normally go into a distraction strategy where I'll do other things while occasionally give attention to the thoughts and feelings until the mind has some clarity to identify the idea behind.

TL then brought up a new and interesting dimension to our discussion by asking Why is there a need to see a defilement as big or small ? He asked, "What if, when something happens and we are feeling dis-ease from it, we accept that it is happening now, we immediately face it and identify the idea behind it. Wouldn't that clear the whole situation quickly?" I agree with this idea and it seem to be what people like Byron Katie and Eckhart Tolle does. This means a person can do it when they are constantly present and mindful moment to moment.

Being Appreciated & Supported

2010-07-04T22:57:00.000+08:00

The weekend workshop I organised completed today quite smoothly and I was told that the participants were happy with the workshop. I was feeling quite happy and when TL related to me about the workshop and what happened there, I was rejoicing. He told me that I must appreciate the work I put into organising the workshop and to reward myself with a higher program manager fee.

When he said that, I was feeling a bit sheepish about rewarding myself but I noticed an interesting feeling popped up... I was enjoying the fact that someone appreciated me.... That feeling... no money could buy. I also reflected that I felt really good and motivated these few days with TL & LF supporting me verbally and physically on my journey of rice fasting. This feeling seemed to buoyed me and motivated me further to continue.

I guess this is human nature and countless studies have been made to proof that when a person is appreciated and supported, they shine, they grow, they do things beyond expectation etc. I raised a question to the mind on " What would happen if there was no appreciation for things that you do?". The answer that I got was that I am not at the level where I'm not affected by appreciation or criticism. I still have a journey of learning to be equanimous and accepting things as it is. There is no sadness in it when the answer came to me because this is where I am now. I admit that there is still a liking for appreciation and support and a dislike for criticism and things that do not go my way.

Because of the awareness of this liking and disliking, it sort of makes the emotional swing of feeling good/high and feeling negative/low not so wider. In a way, there is a sense of goundedness and not be too carried away to each end of the continuum. Maybe if the swing of emotion get smaller and smaller, the closer to the middle path a person would be.

Making Sense of Senses

2010-07-02T22:48:00.000+08:00

During these few days of rice fasting, I had interesting experiences with the sense of taste, smell and sight.

When someone is cooking something and the nose picks up the smell.... I experienced a lot of joy and inhaled the smell deeply and I observed the mind to see if there is a desire to eat.... strangely there was no desire present except the enjoyment of the smell.

When I see the food being cooked, I just experienced the look of the food. And found that the food looked really beautiful.
I started to wonder ..... where is the desire ? Was I enjoying sight for just what it is?

So I experimented with having the rice in my mouth and smelling and looking at the food.... All I experienced that they were all distinct doing their own function and I could enjoy their function as it is. It was indeed an interesting experience because I could let others enjoy the food while I eat my rice. There was no thoughts of "poor me"

Then I pondered, if I enjoyed the sight and smell of the food though I'm not participating in the eating, would this enjoyment mean that there is still desire?? I have not found out the answer to this question yet. I guess more observation is needed.

I realised that I normally connect the 3 senses as one package, when the eye picks up a sight, and the nose picks up a scent, the mouth start to salivate, imagining how the food will taste like. This is the start of the wanting if the imagination was a delicious one. On the other hand, if the sight and smell were undesirable, there will be a major turn off.

Pseudo Abundance

2010-06-29T15:44:00.001+08:00

I have been told that Abundance is a feeling not how much we have in terms of the car, house, bank account, children etc. I always thought I understood this and is genuinely feeling abundant. Until...... one day I had to make payments for many items and as I checked through my bank account to ensure I do not bounce any cheques, I made a mental note that, after making all the payments, I should have an amount left to use for next month. Unfortunately, when I check again the next week, the amount left was way below the amount I estimated and immediately panic set in with thoughts of how I could have miscalcuated.

Immediately, I could sense the feeling of unabundance which to me was rather odd because its not the end of the world and also I know that I will receive a cheque soon for some work done but the mind was really persistent in wanting to keep that thought, hence the feeling of unabundance continued. Logically, I know that the thought is not true but seems that there was no convincing the mind otherwise.

From this experience, I had a wake up call that all this while my understanding and feelings of abundance are really faux feelings. I've unconsciously tagged abundance to a figure in the bank account and also this means that if I had more than that figure, I'm abundant Ha ha ....what a joke on myself...... So its back to the drawing board......appreciating everything

In TL's new book "Love Wisdom" he mentioned that

" Abundance is an attribute, not a gain. It is a perspective you undertake, appreciating everything in hand, irrespective of whatsoever vicissitudes of life. Appreciation brings richness to each experience, trusting where the flow of nature is leading you. When you appreciate, you accept the reality of the experience exactly as it is with the clarity to respond instead of the usual automated way of reacting, thus freeing yourself from the bondage of ego. Abundance is your ability to appreciate and accept life with fullness"

Who Is In Pain ?

2010-06-29T14:51:00.000+08:00

I was attending a workshop on Sunday and it was also the day I started rice fasting. Before going home, I went to visit my mom carrying my rice pot along. I told my mom and Atun that I'll be fasting for 16 days on rice. They asked me if its just rice and I said Yes...... I could see them wince and pull a face. They started to say "Poor you" and asked me why I was doing it and why I was torturing myself. Though I told them my reason, they still looked sceptical.

I find it rather funny because its me who is doing the fasting not them but clearly they are feeling a certain feeling of pain about it. Strangely, I do not have any feelings of pain around doing this fasting (at least not on the first day). Seeing their reaction, I realised that we never do feel others pain. When someone is suffering and describe the suffering to me, what is happening in me is my own perception and idea about the suffering the person is experiencing. I will not be able to feel the other person's pain actually but I'm feeling my perception of the type of pain the person is experience. Which may be totally off the mark just like in my case.

I observed that if I am experiencing something totally new and I'm not sure how to respond to it, I could do three things :
1. I will ask for others opinion or observe others behavior in similar situation and hence I can buy their perception to be my own and now my response will be based on this newly purchased perception. So, in my case if I was to buy into my mom's perception that fasting is a torture, then I'll start to see myself as a "poor thing"

2. In another scenario, I may ask a few people and sort of window shop for differing perception and then I may end up not buying or buying into one of the perceptions or form a synthesized perception.

3. Just think on my own and create a perception based on any closest past experience.

Whatever method I gain a perception, its still a perception and I will always be operating from a perception in whatever I do and in whatever interaction. Interestingly, this means that I would not be able to really show compassion to others. Byron Katie mentioned " What does compassion look like ? At a funeral, just eat the cake. You don't have to know what to do. Its revealed to you. Someone comes into your arms, and the kind words speak themselves; you are not doing it. Compassion is not a doing"

So being mindful of the thoughts and actions that is going on is important because it will be an indicator of the perception that is behind it.

Fear of What ?

2010-06-25T17:20:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I went with TL & AC to a university town in Perak to give a talk for a special event that is organised for the students there. When the students filed into the hall, I could see that there were all young adult about 18 and above. Most of them when they came in, they came in 2s, 3s or 4s and when they choose a place to sit, it was with their friends.

When I started the session with something light just to warm them up, the students were open and tried out the activities that I gave them. In the activity, the highlight was to get them to see how they seem to do things in a certain way and the reason is their mindset.

When it was TL's turn to speak, he started to get the students to do activities that require them to look at another person and also observe self. I could see the level of discomfort increased in the students..... most looked away from their friend, some gave sheepish smiles and all seem uncomfortable.

When he asked the students to change place and work with other people that they do not normally interact with, quite a number choose not to follow the instruction and for those that did, it was very visible that they had never done such activities before.

It was quite an interesting observation for me on how they (and me too if I were in their shoes) use different strategies (and it seem unconscious to them) to avoid having to face their fear of interacting with someone new. Some of the strategies were to hold their knapsack/file/book in front of them, look with downcast eyes when others are looking at them, play with their handphone, try and make conversation with the other person, look around instead of their buddy, turn to a friend near by and strike a conversation, cross their arms in front of their chest, nervous smiles and also shuffling of feet.

This got me to thinking of how I have numerous time tried some of the strategies above to hide my nervousness when I'm interacting with new people or in an unfamiliar place..... This sort of confirm what TL said the "the mind is in fear most of the time". This underlining fear is something that causes me to act "funny" or laugh too loudly etc. I realised that when I am not mindful, the strategies take over automatically but if there was some measure of mindfulness, the observer can observe that the mind wish to undertake the strategies and this gives the opportunity to choose a more appropriate respond. I realised that the thinking of the fear is always bigger than the actual fear itself.

Story Telling

2010-06-22T23:54:00.001+08:00

Story telling is a very ancient form of communication in our civilization. Stories are used to teach, to create a culture, to get buy in, to have fun, to gain rapport, to communicate, to instill fear, to instill courage and etc.

I always thought that not everyone can be story teller but after observing myself and others, I realised that everyone is a story teller be it verbally, non verbally or just in the mind. Many great teachers used stories well to help people change perception and gain clarity. Being someone who can speak well, I noticed many instances in the past, I have used story telling (normally about what has happened to me) to get people to buy into my side hence making me the rightful party or to influence someone's decision in favour of me or to tell a person I'm pissed of with them

Recently, I noticed that when I wish to tell a story, the thought that pop into the mind, is "Why are you telling this story?" I found this interesting because when I try to answer this question, the intention is always less than honourable.......I wondered if there is a way to tell a story or to relate something to others without the intention of inflluencing their mentally to be in my favour? Sadly so far, I found that the answer is "NO".
So sometimes, when I'm aware that I'm launching into a story with the intention of gaining someone's favour, I cut the story short. Other times, when I'm mindless, the story can go on for quite a bit. :p

I find that the story that goes on in the mind is the most hardest to ignore. In fact, I observed that the mind is constantly telling story to itself to convince that "I" about something or another.It could be a story that boost my confidence and self esteem or a story that makes me question my abilities, self worth etc. Of course, its quite easier to swallow the stories that boost self esteem than those that puncture it. But whatever it is, I notice that questioning the mind needs to be practiced so as to see the truth of the stories being told.

Recently, I observed a loved one rehashing a story of an incident that happened a few days ago and as I listened to the story being retold, I observed the feelings increased making the incident very, very real and it cements the person's views and perception. I remembered TL telling me that we are like children playing a game but we are so identified with the game that we forget its a game and got frightened by it.

I can see I have created many stories in my life that now frightens and mislead me. It would be interesting to revisit the stories now from the point of the observer and maybe just maybe there will be a happy ending like in the fairy tales : )

The Power of Intention

2010-06-19T17:15:00.000+08:00

I had just finished a fasting of 7 days yesterday. When I first started the fasting a week ago, there was a clear intention that I am committed to the fast and will stop eating and drinking from 5.30am - 7.30pm. With this intention, dutifully I woke up at 4am plus to prepare and have my meals,went back to sleep and carried on my usual chores as best as I can. Strangely, through out the whole 1 week, there was very little hunger pangs but there was thirst pangs. With the hunger pangs, I asked the question, "Is the mind hungry ?" or "Is the body hungry?". Just with this differentiation, it was easier to observe the bodily sensation and not associate it with the mind. In fact, I realised that the mind seemed to be able to project more hunger than the body can :).

As for the thirst, the questions did not work so well but because of the intention set, the mind could keep seeing the protest and also the stories about being dehydrated etc. The interesting things is that the mind was quite willing to settle down.

In the 7 days, I observed an underlying feeling of fear which I guess is about fear of failing to complete the 7 days fast successfully and having to do it again. I notice because of the intention, the mind was again pretty stable to watch the feelings and thoughts that surround that gently.

Today is the first day of non fasting and because the intention of fasting is no longer there, I notice that hunger pangs was experienced several times during the day and also the mind seem to be a bit more busy looking for food to eat. Strangely though, I kept forgetting to drink water. What a strange turn of events.

What I know from this experience is that there is really a difference in the state of mind with clear intention and a mind that is without clear intention. So, I guess it proofed to me that how I experience an event or situation is based on what intention I've set in the beginning. I came to an interim conclusion that for the times that I do not consciously set an intention, then default intention (which comes from past conditioning)will be leading the experience.

The Craving for Specialness

2010-06-14T14:21:00.000+08:00

Recently I've been observing myself on how much I wish to be special to someone or to be seen as special.
I observed that when there is a wanting to be special, a lot of energy and actions are taken to have that craving fulfilled. For instance, I'll dress in a certain way, say things in a certain way, act a certain way, laugh in a certain way, use certain words, walk in certain ways etc. In fact, to make me feel special about myself, I try to accomplish many things in a day. Because with accomplishments, this means I am productive, important and special. Sometimes this pattern of "doing things" is quite exhausting because its driven by ego. When I listen to the body, it tired and needs to rest but becuase of this need to achieve, the need for rest is pushed aside in favour of achievement and thus feel special.
I recalled the times that I felt that I was special to loved ones, friends or even strangers (like at the bank or department stores), there were feelings of happiness, power and lightness. I observed that I was more chatty, there was a certain "air" about me.

Recently, I noticed many instance thoughts popped in the mind that sort of say " When I do this, this person will be appreciating me" or "I'm here so now this person should pay attention to me now". And when the person does not.... there was feeling of disappointment. Even the hearing of accomplishment or specialness of others also brings out envy and jealous feelings and questions of why I don't have such gifts popped up. (Even if I not necessarily want such gifts, there is still a wanting)

I realised when these thoughts come, its an indication of the desire to be seen as special.... I was quite intrigue because its quite easily to entertain or to buy into the thought. When I start to recognise these thought.... I felt depressed because it sort of show me how incessant this craving for specialness is. Its easy to go downhill from here and label myself as a failure. I remembered my teacher asking me the question, "Did you recognise that this is happening in your mind ? " "If you can recognise it, it is a good start .... just keep being aware of it." Ha ha ... easier said than done but I'm game to keep going to be mindful of this craving for specialness. Maybe I'm consoling myself but I think the journey of mindfulness has no finishing point just need to persevere and be patient.

Alone or Lonely

2010-06-10T18:40:00.000+08:00

I am in Port Dickson for the past 4.5 days teaching a program for a group of government servant.
It has been a long time since I am away on my own on a training assignment.....I wondered if I would be bored and feel lonely when I took up the assignment.

Strangely when I arrived at the venue, I found out that the WiFi system here is not working and also it was difficult for me to get a clear line for my mobile phone..... The first feelings that came up was frustration because I wanted to stay connected. I started to question investigate my thought as to why I was so hard up to have connection........Strangely the thought that came was that I wanted to avoid feeling lonely. I asked myself, which was it that I am uncomfortable with.... feeling lonely or being alone ?

I noticed that I did several things because I believed that I did not want to be alone or lonely. I tried to persuade get my husband to come stay with me for one of the nights and I asked my friend also when my husband turned me down. I looked for a place to put my phone in the room so that I could get signal for my handphone. Got a bit pissed off when the signal is unstable. I switched on the TV to have sound even when I'm in the bathroom.

This happened for the first 2 days.... Later I started to observe that I was feeling quite relaxed with my own company..... I took time to do what I wanted to do, I walked on the beach, enjoyed the evening sea breeze, had slow and enjoyable dinner with the participants, explored the resort a bit...... In fact.... the experience was that being alone is interesting and not a lonely experience. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. The feeling of being lonely has a form craving for companionship and wanting to be validated by another person. The feeling of being alone has a sense of freedom and the mind is very interested in how the body and mind is interacting with what is happening in and around them. Its quite an interesting experience. Something I do not experience a lot because normally there is people around me.

Different Second Time Around

2010-05-31T21:53:00.000+08:00

I was listening to a recording of my meditation teacher's instructions and interviews just today to refresh my memory. While listening to it there were several "aha" moments because some of the things he said seem to ring true for me now. There was a deeper understanding of what he is saying. So i pondered. I actually heard this recording several times but each time I hear it after a lapse of some time, there is new understanding.

I told TL about it and he said.... Wisdom has grown... I joked and said its either that or I was deaf when I hear the last few times. But I know I was not deaf because I have been practicing mindfulness for some time. And in the practice if I am curious and interested in the practice continuously..... some understanding is sure to arose. I had to laugh when I came to this conclusion because later I heard this sentence in his recording of how he answered a yogis question about keeping the practice interesting.

The interest in something, be it meditation, work, play, cooking, laundry.... anything for that matter is a right attitude to have as I may experience an event that I can judge as the same as yesterday but if I put in some interest, the event will unfold something else that I missed the first time around. I was ironing clothes just now.... a weekly ritual.. I observed that as I ironed with interest and curiosity, I noticed the smell of freshly laundered clothes, the feeling of happiness to see the creases straightened, the desire to fold the clothes beautifully.... all this experience unfolded on its own and there was no anxiety to finish ironing the clothes. In fact, there was an enjoyment in the chore. A few weeks back, the experience of ironing was totally different, all I wanted to do was to beat the clock and finish the chore as soon as possible. In this experience, where there was lack of interest, a lot of unpleasant feelings and resentment was felt.

SS has wisely prompted me several times in the past when I mentioned that I was bored doing something... he would say, "Boredom only comes from lack of interest.... If you are interested in something, it will be fun" ... So a good reminder for me now is....."Show some interest and see what unfolds"

Complaining and Its Effects on the "I"

2010-05-30T20:11:00.000+08:00

Recently, I listened to a talk by Eckhart Tolle and one point that stuck to the mind is what he said about complaining. Complaining is a mechanism that the ego has built in to perpetuate itself. I did not see it like that before but after doing some observation, its interesting how that works.

I was with a loved one and the moment she woke up she started to look for things to complain like the maid is not doing this or that correctly, who should not say this or that etc. As I observed it, I could see that the person felt "injured" when things do not go the way she wanted. Of course, I know that its the ego that felt injured and diminished if it did not managed to convince others of their existence.

Though I was observing her, I was observing myself too. What is going on in me when I hear complaints. I realised that 2 things happens. If I identified with the complaint, I would go along with it and this boost my ego with a "thou is more superior" attitude or "poor me" situation. That means we have a ego party together. I noticed that having complaining party does make me feel good sometimes but its a short term feel good. In the long term it erodes my integrity and self responsibility.

However, I noticed when I hear a complaint and I keep quiet, smile and allow the person to continue, the complaining session is shortened for the person. Maybe its no longer fun to complain to someone who does not add fuel to the complain. I observed that as the other person complains, there are complaints happening in the mind at the same time.Sometimes its easy just to be the observer Sometimes, when the complaint was something that hit home so to speak... feelings of defensiveness arose....... if I was not mindful... this is usually the trigger to react but if mindful, its a time to be even more mindful.... Sometimes... its like playing Russian roulette. I notice that there is still a liking or desire to complain so its still work in progress.

Is This What You Want ?

2010-05-28T19:22:00.000+08:00

I came across a saying that "we will never get what we want" . Is that true ? Most of the time, we get what we don't want. : ) My teacher mentioned that people are not happy when they get what they want and what they don't want because when we get what we wanted, we have fear of losing it. When we don't get what we want, we get upset and angry........ So I pondered that its so easy to want because as a human, I have many desires. I may be wrong, but I think Wants comes from desire for quick fixes and short term thinking.

I remembered I was in the car with a relative and she said that she saw in the newspaper that the price of Genting shares has dropped and though she has only half a lot, she was bemoaning her loss of fortune. I found it very funny and I asked her what does she want ? She said, "I want my shares to go up so that I can make money".... So I asked, what would make Genting shares go up ? Well, the answer was, when their casino, hotel etc business do well. So in other words, if Genting only has casinos and more people goes and gamble and lose their money, the business is seen to be doing well, right ?..... but what about the rise in gambling?
Another example would be pharmaceutical companies, when people get sick and need medicine, their shares goes up because their drugs sells very well.

Anyway, what I realise is that when we want something to go our way.... normally it does not go for the other party. Like in a relationship, if i want my husband to kiss me goodnight but that is not what he wants..... I can insist and get my way but the kiss would not come from love, it comes from coersion. It would be a terrible kiss : D

I was reading Byron Katie and she said, we would only get what we NEED. So if i was sitting in a traffic jam, that is what i need at that moment. I have been putting it to practice and realise that there is less tension when I come across incidents I don't want or like. Still experimenting

Distancing of Self from Others

2010-05-21T23:29:00.002+08:00

A bunch of my friends started to do fasting recently and it seems that I was not jumping into the bandwagon. At first I thought it was funny that I was not enthusiastic to jump on but I allowed myself the space to see what was happening. Was is fear ? Was it defiance ? After letting the feeling simmer for awhile, it was clear that it was not time for me to embark on this journey.

I could sense it was a time to journey alone for awhile at least, doing something different from the group who I've been doing so many things together for the last 3 years. I felt strange and one evening I observed a strong sense of loneliness and desolatedness and the mind gathered evidence that my phone was not ringing, no one called met etc.....I saw thru this evidence gathering activity of the mind and also observed the mind drawing a conclusion that I'm no longer belong. When the mind drew the conclusion, my whole world became smaller.

I realised that for many people, when things change in a group that they belong to or when they start to do other things which the group is not doing or vice versa, they start to distance themselves from the group because it is seen that their specialness in the group is no longer there. As time goes by if this thought is not investigated, the person will start to avoid the group all together. This will further perpetuate the distance and minimise the chance of ever having a relationship with the group. After some time, it would seem that there is no point to establish anymore contact with the group because we perceive we are left so far behind in the development of the group, we will no longer be comfortable in the group. All these are based on fear of rejection and also not wanting to be vulnerable.

On the other hand also, if none of the group members takes the time to establish connection with this person, then all is lost.I observed this happening with my friends from Secondary school when we get together during CNY .For most times, I don't know what they are talking about. Its very easy to withdraw into my own shell.

BUT is the distancing real ? Its real in our mind, and because its real in our mind, then is is created in our world making us believe in it. As long as the thought or idea exist in the mind, there will always be a distance. Who would I be without the thought that I'm lonely and people are distancing from me? I would be someone who will be excited and thrilled to see what unfolds when I journey alone. Looking to learn from what I am experiencing. There will be no loneliness.

Treasuring Those Around Us

2010-05-18T17:47:00.000+08:00

Last Sunday SS & myself hosted a steamboat dinner at our house with many people contributing food, fruits, desserts, cake etc to make it a feast. All those who came were people who are actively helping at CnC and the dinner was an opportunity to get together and to celebrate TL and YF's birthday too.

As I look at the band of friends I have in this group of people, I honestly must say, I would not have the opportunity to meet them if not for CnC. I made a joke about what binds us together is our recognition of suffering. TL added that its also the desire for wisdom. So true. I reflected that people band together for so many reasons from food, sports, fashion, disease, addiction etc. I think is pretty unique for people to band together to journey to freedom.
For that, I am thankful to have all of them as walking mates though they cannot walk in my shoes but they can walk beside of me, in front of me, behind of me or all over me : ).

Recently, I also have a friend whose mother died from a stroke. I realise we will never know how long a parent, partner, sibling, spiritual friends, colleagues etc will be with us because the moment they are gone, they are gone from the face of the earth but they will live in the hearts and minds of those who remember them.So, what is the point of keeping grudges, right ??. So, let us treasure those around us for they come into our space to teach us something whether we like it or not.

How I See It

2010-05-16T07:56:00.000+08:00

Recently, there was a lot of dramatic experiences that were really calling for attention on how I will respond to the experiences. I and a few CnC friends are involved in organising a project of bringing my Meditation teacher from Myanmar and then conducting a new format tour retreat with 24 people in Langkawi. In paper, this grand plan looked really good... in executing, there were quite a bit of bumps.

Each time a bump is experienced like the visa cannot be done early but nearer to the date and some airtickets were booked wrongly resulting in extra charges, there are a lot of emotions attached to it, drama so to speak, that call each and everyone of us involved in this to do their own inner work.

I realised that everyone experience different lessons though we are working on the same project and each bumpy experience leads us to feel powerless, limited and upset. However, as I watch how the others and myself in the team go past the initial feeling, we are are learning to see the impermanent/illusionary nature of what is happening. (though I must qualify that my observation of others are based on my perception only, so I may not be 100% correct about their experiences) . We are seeing issues in us that are calling for attention like unworthiness, lack of faith, focusing on money, not trusting etc.

These issues will come so long as we have not gained understanding about them but I notice each time the same issue come and we work on it, the response is different and the feelings that arise from the issue are less heavy. I guess this is can be called progression. But the issue is not about progression because its not a race to the finishing line. For me, its about the journey into authenticity and connection with wisdom.

I The Control Freak

2010-05-10T10:31:00.001+08:00

Every human being wants to be loved and respected. Is this true ? It seems to be because in the seeking of love and respect,we do many things; some of them sneaky, weird, hilarious, dangerous and some bordering on insanity.

I was observing how the mind reacted to just a simple SMS from a friend to remind me something. And the first thing that popped into mind was "Someone is trying to control me", "I'm not respected", "You are so smart, do it yourself". With these, comes many unpleasant feelings. And the actions that were recommended by such a mind was," Don't bother to answer", "Say NO". Anyway the recommended actions were all from spite. A friend told me, let just look at what needs to be done and do it, no need to get embroiled in the feelings. But the feelings are strong and its definately felt.

I know for sure, pushing it away is not the answer. Just to apply some Non Violent communication technique on dealing with strong emotions, I actually verbalise out all the feelings, saying it out loud so that I can hear them. Just by doing this, I noticed that something interesting happened.... the next experience that popped up was no longer anger but a sad feeling of confusion.

Just being with this new experience allowed me to see that actually, the resentment arose is because I Wanted to be In Control of the situation and do things MY WAY but in actuality, I don't know what to do and there are things that are not in my control.

I started to laugh because in wanting to feel good and safe, I want to make sure I do everything right but I don't know what is Right but the other person seem to know......... I actually stress myself up and not seeing others good intentions.

I realised most of the time for me new experiences are hardly welcome with open arms, joy and curiosity though in the head I know otherwise. So before I can call another person a control freak, I think i need to see the control freak in me.

To Fix It or Not To Fix It

2010-05-07T21:33:00.001+08:00

Recently a situation happened at home between 2 persons. When i heard about it, a lot of frustration and resentment arised in my mind, speech and behaviour. Normally, I would want to be a rescuer to sort out the problem quickly.

This time I choose to do nothing, in fact I followed SS to Melaka. I remembered what my teacher said, when there is no clarity, do nothing. During this time, I entertained the frustration and also resentment by being aware of it. I must admit, at some point, I wish to run away and avoid the whole thing altogether.

Other member of the family called and asked if I am doing anything about the situation and my reply was that "not now since I'm away and its good to let people cool down as words that were expressed during anger are just meant to get a pound of flesh from the other person" .Actually, in all honesty, I think, I would not have handled the situation well when i was having all the frustration and resentment. It was an opportunity for me to cool down too : )

With that I just kept being aware of the play of wanting to solve the problem and wanting to get upset. And I did get upset when thinking took over and clarity was weak but luckily I managed to expressed it out to a close buddy and the energy around it was dispursed.

While not doing anything on the outside, I realised I was doing a lot on the inside. there was the mindfulness of concepts and ideas, there was repeated expressionof forgiveness, there was putting the mind to doing other productive work and there was setting intention on the outcome I would like to experience or create.

Anyway, I don't know what worked but when I got back from Melaka, I called the aggrieved person, to my surprise I could sense a relaxed atmosphere.Things were no longer tense...... hmmmmm.... Maybe doing nothing is something worth doing.

Anger and for all its worth

2010-05-04T23:00:00.000+08:00

I read the newspaper the other day about how a road rage incident ended in a death.I thought that the rage must be really huge to go to the extend of killing someone. I realised that Anger's nature is destructive with very little or no logic. Its like experiencing a total loss of control and the only thought an angry person has is to have satisfaction. After the satisfaction, then what ?? I think not many people see beyond that because all that is in front of them is to obtain the satisfaction (This satisfaction can be from seeing another person hurt, verbal attack, etc)

Today I was talking to someone and as she was relating the injustice that she perceived had happened to her, she had so much anger. Throughout the conversation, I could heard so many "shoulds", "how could they", "they are ungrateful". As I was listening to it, I felt a great sense of sadness and at the same time gratefulness.

Sadness because I could see how the person's holding on to the thoughts and stories are hurting her more than anyone ever could. I could tell the person this but until she chooses to see all that she is going through is her stories of being treated unfairly, she will always be in the prison created by her ownself. Who would she be without all these stories ??? I bet a happier person who can see that she can not expect people to be the way she wants.

Grateful because at least I can discern that though I feel sadden by what is happening, I cannot change the person because this person has her own journey to walk in this life.All I can work on is how I am experiencing the interaction with this person, my desire to fix things and the ideas i have.

The Spiritual Life

2010-05-04T10:06:00.001+08:00

Spiritual life is not about becoming someone special but

discovering a greatness of heart within us and every being.

Its and invitation to inwardly drop our opinions, our views, our ideas,

our thoughts, our whole sense of time and ourselves,

and come to rest in no fixed position

by Jack Kornfield

Disentangling from Ourselves

2010-05-02T21:47:00.003+08:00

Today I went to give a talk at the retreat that is organised by CnC. I agreed to do the talk earlier but I had no idea what I'll be saying though the title was given. I've given this talk several times and as i knew the participants of the talk were mostly people who had heard what I had said before, I pondered what can I do differently.

I did not give much thought to planning the talk and I was observing that there were no tension within me. Normally, I would be feeling tense and concern trying to think of something to say, way before the event because I think its the right thing to do and also I want to be liked and approved by others. For this time, When the thought came that I should be thinking what to do about the talk, I allow the thought to come and did put in some thinking time but no answer came. All that came to me was to bring 2 balls of string. So I went out on friday and bought 2 balls of string.

I just knew that the talk has to be at the level of coming from within the participants instead of coming from me. I'm only the spark that will trigger them to search for the answer within. As Byron Katie said in her book A Thousand Name For Joy, "If I had a responsibility, it would be to help you realize your own truth. You See it, You Say It, it comes from within you, and I am the witness. My finger points you back to you"

I read this passage on Saturday when I flipped open the book and thought this was very beautiful and the message given to me was really clear.

So, I went to the retreat place with a relaxed and happy heart. The activity I planned with the ball of string went the way it was suppose to go and the participants each gave their own reflection based on their own insights. I saw that their insights were more deep for them than what I could possibility tell them because it was coming from within them.

My role was to just remind them that the journey to keeping the practice of mindfulness going strong was just to be gentle, inquisitive and persevere. I think the best type of learning is when the people say "Wow.... we did it, all by ourselves". With that I'm starting my journey of being invisible.

Effects - Boon or Bane ?

2010-04-30T17:08:00.000+08:00

I have observed for quite a while my fixation on things that happened to me. I would spend a lot of time analysing, questioning, worrying, lamenting, rehashing, regretting and being remorseful about something that has already taken place and I could no longer do anything to change it. Of course, this pattern is not only mine, it is happening for everyone. Because of this, the soap operas on TV can churn up so many episodes.

This fixation on the effects of things seldom brings pleasant feelings but it does help to waste time in life. I often wondered why the fixation on the effect? I was listening to a friend telling me about something that has happened to her and I could see that as the story unfolds, she was at a different position in each part of the story. I could see that when she took on the position of a victim, the feelings expressed were different than from when she took on the position of a rescuer and persecutor. However, in the whole situation, I could see that its like there was no way out that would be from harmony and peace. In a way if I see effects as something I need to quickly fix so that I can move on, I’m actually missing the mark all together and the feeling of being trapped would just be perpetuated. In a way, it seems like I’m so engrossed with the storyline that I forgot to see beyond that and what its trying to tell me.

I’m beginning to see that the effects I’m experiencing are just a feedback system for me to see what is happening inside of me. Of course its easy to see pleasant effects but the hardest is to see unpleasant effect. We seldom like the mirrors that call us to see the unpleasant. Most of the time, we would just do try to find a quick fix so that we can be spared from looking at the effect for too long. In the conventional world, effects we experience are called mistakes and we should not be making mistakes. But from my personal observation, the effects are actually just showing to me the areas that mis-takes had happened. It could be in the area of my relationships, with money or with work. Showing me the mis-takes (though it may be seen as unpleasant) is actually a loving call for me to give attention to that area that is calling out to be healed, accepted and loved.

I heard again and again that, “don’t look at the effect, work on the cause and the effect will change”. This I believe is true.

Dancing With Anger

2010-04-19T23:22:00.000+08:00

I have been told many times by my teacher that anger is just nature, its not mine per se. In my mind...I questioned what my teacher said because whenever there is anger, i felt it personally, in fact i took it personally.

Today due to some fear about a condition in the body, I could see that the mind was not happy and wanted things (in this case, the body) to be well. From here anger started to creep up and before I know it, full blown anger and everything is just seen as not right. When i see the anger as my anger..... I sense so much constriction, restriction and total preoccupation with it. In other words, the mind was on fire !

When i was reading about non violent communication... it was said that anger is just the first layer. Behind anger is just a need that is not met. The need may be respect, love, appreciation etc. When our needs are not met, anger is the result. But how many of us took the time to investigate the need... we are too busy dancing with the anger.

This anger has been with me for many years and I had lovingly nurture it since young. At the beginning, anger got me what I wanted and I also learnt from a score of people from childhood to adulthood, that anger bears results. Whenever, I get angry I get what I wanted either from myself or others. If I'm angry and frustrated, i give myself ice cream to pacify myself and feel good. If there were others involved, I make it known in terms of speech and action about my displeasure and anger. In another word, inevitably .... someone must pay....

Today I saw that when I want to make someone pay... I'm paying too. So for today I choose to keep quiet and just be withe the anger when I'm cutting vegetables, chopping garlic, cooking soup, cooking rice, doing laundry, sending out email etc. I could see that ever so often the mind has thoughts of expressing it so that i can release it to another person and trigger their pain body. I know from experience, if another person's pain body is triggered, this would make my own painbody feel better. I choose not to do that today but I think the energy of it can be felt though I kept quiet.

For today whenever I felt and observe the anger getting stronger, i checked my attitude.. am i watching anger with anger ??? With just this, it goes back to simmering mode.....The constant question that I asked myself is "Where is the mind now? How is the observing mind now ?. Just by this practice of constant awareness.... i start to experience that the anger will do its work but I will do my work of staying present and mindful. I experience several times, that I am not this anger, its nature. When I'm in this space, I feel like I'm doing the graceful waltz. Other times, I experience, this anger is mine....and here I feel like I'm doing the intensely passionate Tango. I believe when I can one day fully see that anger is just nature.... I will no longer be in the dance for the music would stop.

The Here and Now

2010-04-19T18:12:00.000+08:00

Yesterday SS and myself was invited to dinner by his cousin. So we all met at Rebung, which is a quaint Malay restaurant near Bangsar. At the dinner were SS's cousins. It was the first time I had dinner with them and to SS it was also a first for him as his cousins hardly meet over meals.

During the meal, we talked about everything under the sun from recent happenings, doing charity work, meditation practice, politics, etc. As I was observing, I was the only one in the group that had only known them for a short while. When they started to talk about how their grandfathers were connected and several versions of the story came about. The best thing is that their memories were stories that they heard from their parents.

I realise that as I listened to them I also now have in my memory bank the stories they have. Now the strange thing is that there was no door at my ears that I could close and say that this bit of information I don't want or open the ear when i want to hear something. So in other words, all our senses do not have doors and they act as a gateway for data to flow in. Once a data enters the senses, the mind very quickly start to make a judgement i.e liking or disliking, holding on or resisting. From here we start to create a reality that defines us as who we are and how we are in this reality.

Another examples is taste, we tried 3 types of dessert , Pengat pisang, bubur kacang hijau and pengat durian.
I noticed that everyone started to categorise the 3 desserts into the most delicious to least delicious. So with this, if we ever goes to the restaurant again, automatically we would go straight to the most delicious one. In one hand, it saves time but in the other hand, we had just cornered ourselves and gave ourselves less choices.

So if I was to observe myself, I would always prefer something over other things or someone and until I'm aware that I'm doing that, I will be constantly putting myself in a box, defining my reality from the my past conditioning. As TL said, the way out of our conditioning, is to be mindful of it. So being mindful is not an exception now its becoming the rule if I want to get out of the box.

Affirmation

2010-04-15T16:52:00.001+08:00

I am here only to be truly helpful

I am here to represent Buddha's Wisdom

which I am strongly connected to

I do not have to worry about what to say or do
because Buddha's Wisdom will direct and guide me

I am content to be wherever this wisdom takes me,
knowing it goes there with me

I am healed as I let this wisdom teach me to heal

Willing To Explore

2010-04-14T22:50:00.000+08:00

Today I followed SS to Melaka. Just the last weekend we saw a newpaper writeup about interesting places to eat in Melaka within walking distance of the major tourist attraction in town. So... being curious, we took the writeup with us to check out 1 eating place behing Jonker Street. Alas.... it was closed. So we decided to try another one which is called Jonker 88. There we had a lovely bowl of Cendol. Not too sweet.

Since we still had parking left, we decided to walked a bit on Jonker street. SS pointed out toy for me to see and said that it was a childhood toy.... I realised I actually don't know how to play the toy because it was the first time i saw this type of toy.....So I bought 2 for my nieces.

We then turned off a street near the beginning of Jonker Walk. I have never walked there before and was surprised to find a lovely shop displaying gorgeous handpainted T-Shirt. I am not sure why but I just walked in and started to browse. I fell in love with a few of the T-shirt design and decided to buy one for my niece. I just choose the design and asked the person to handpaint her name on it. I was mindful that through out the time I was in the shop, choosing the T-shirt and conversing with the 2 owners... I was just having fun. When the T-shirt was done, only then I asked for the price of the T-shirt. It was RM40

I was then I realised that I had not used my old programming of buying things. Normally, when i walked into the shop and see something I like, I will ask for the price or check out the price tag then decide to buy or not. Then if the decision is yes, then I'll proceed to choose the design I like. This time around, I just choose the design I like, felt very joyous and appreciative when the person said he could handpaint my niece's name on it and waited for the person to complete the work before asking for the price. Of course, I was mildly surprised with the price but I could sense the appreciation I had for the time and effort taken to create the beautiful T-shirt. Only after paying for the shirt that I was told they soak and wash the T-shirt 5 times before starting to draw the patterns and normally it takes 3 days to complete a T-shirt. I could sense the labour of love that goes into the production of the shirt.

And to me, I really appreciated myself for having this experience. All this comes when I'm willing to just explore

"You Complete Me" ..... Ha Ha Ha

2010-04-10T12:32:00.000+08:00

I always hear that life is a paradox. What I think is true now is not true later. What I think will lead me to happiness lead me instead to pain. What is to be held onto needs to be let go for peace and wisdom to arise. Life's lessons never cease to amaze me to show what the ego crafted out to be true is actually an untrue.

For example, what is expounded in the world through movies, advertisement, cartoons and soap operas is that we need to be loved by another person to live happily ever after. I loved the scene from the movie Jerry McGuire when he said "You Complete Me" when i first saw the movie. When I became a married woman, I waited for the part that someone "completes" me. Wow... I had a great journey to discover that no one, not even my husband can "complete" me. It is very easy in any relationship that when a partner realises that their partner cannot complete them, they move on to another partner but the whole cycle repeats itself. I guess when people buy into the "truth" that is taught in the movies, advertisement etc .... they will continue to look outside for completion

The true completion I believe comes from within ourselves. It is personal responsibility to look into areas of my own life that I feel a need to be "completed" and start to observe the thought and feeling patterns that lead to the conclusion. Only with understanding that I complete myself. If 2 persons in a relationship works on "completing" themselves instead of expecting another person to do it for them, I believe that is where a true partnership or a true marriage is born where each person brings themselves to their relationship and not expect to be on the receiving end all the time. This type of relationship is based on the foundation of mutual respect, honesty, independence and interdependence at the same time.

I realised even with this understanding, its very easy to fall back into old pattern of wanting to be "completed".
As the saying goes, its the journey not the destination that is important.

Who is Hurting Me More ?

2010-04-05T23:01:00.000+08:00

I was having a conversation with SS while we were going downtown yesterday as we are both reading Byron Katie's book and both of us were very intrigued by the clarity that is presented in her books.

I especially like what she said that "when we argue with reality, we lose 100% of the time". I was observing a family member relating to me how someone has wronged her and throughout the conversation, this person was telling me the act that she deemed wrong and unfair to her in great detail. As I was listening, I realised that the incident happened a few days ago but the anger that was displayed seems like that it had just happened.

As i see this happening, I could not help but reflect how I do the same thing. Whenever I experience an unpleasant incident, I'll tell a friend about the incident not leaving out any details and I am hoping that my friend will be on my side and agree that I was a victim. When she agrees, i feel good as it confirms that I'm a victim and should be pitied. I could relate the incident to a few more persons to gather more evidence against the other person. I realized that when i relate the incident again and again to different people, I feel wronged again and again. This sort of nailed the nail to the coffin because I had convinced myself I am a victim and the other person is a monster.

But the funny thing is that the person had only said something nasty to me ONE time but I said the nasty thing to myself numerous times.... so who is the monster here ?? I realised that I was actually doing a disservice to myself because I'm holding on to the event and continue to give life to it. In other words, the other person is free while I've put myself in bondage.....what a silly thing to do. I'm hurting myself more than anyone ever could.

And I think because of this, the ego is maintained and nourished. I've given my freedom away because I choose to be Right rather than be Free. Its so easy to forget what we really want and to succumb to our old habits.

I was telling SS that if we want an apple tree but we keep on planting mango trees, when would the apple come?. Never in a million years. So the same is the mind, if I was to cultivate anger each day, the first thing that will come up when an incident occurs is anger because I've not bothered to cultivate peace and calm though this is what I really wanted.

So, being ever vigilant about what I'm cultivating is getting to be more urgent if its peace I want and to stop the self hurting situation I unconsciously put myself into.

Mindful and Mindless Travelling

2010-04-02T14:20:00.001+08:00

Yesterday I went on a trip with TL, GG, YM to Ipoh . I realised that during the whole trip we talked, laughed, shared, questioned, clarified, kept quiet to contemplate and laughed again... It was a totally relaxing trip.

I was observing my mind as much as I could during the whole trip and also the interpretations that comes up in the mind about what I hear and see. I was surprised that When I remember to be aware of what's happening within me as I was interacting with others, the quality of interaction is really much more wonderful because I am putting my own happiness of being with others in my own hands. I am seeing what comes up in me when i see and hear others and I can constantly make a choice to agree, disagree, keep quiet, ponder etc in a space that is in line with my integrity and not so much to keep up appearances or to try to fit into the group's topic or trying to appear smart.

I remembered my sister in law mentioning that she does not enjoy going on trips with people who finds things to complain about during a holiday or blames others when things are not happening as in the itinerary. She mentioned that it was such a pain to be in such situations and around such people. I could not agree more because I guess people complain and blame because they feel victimised or thinks there is no way to change the situation. What I'm acutely aware is that no matter where I go, I can go mindlessly or go mindfully.
Since its not possible to leave the mind behind while I go on holiday though I wish I could... ha ha ...

So what I currently believe is that, going on holiday mindfully makes the trip more enjoyable not only for me but also for those I'm with. ; ).

Victim begets Victims...

2010-03-29T18:21:00.000+08:00

Recently, I received a call from a friend who asked me to do something urgent. The tone of voice plus the way the request was made gave me the impression that the person was portraying helpless and I would have to fulfill the request no matter what. In an instance, I observe anger had arisen and also my tone of voice had become unfriendly. All this happened in less than 2 minutes of conversation and of course the thoughts that arose were of persecution and illwill towards the person and also the request.

Feeling uncomfortable is normally the signal for me to pay attention and be aware of what's going on beyond the story and the drama that is unfolding with regards to the situation. Actually.... I felt like I was victimized!!! I came to the realization that when someone plays the role of a victim in hope of getting help or getting their way or to portray their helplessness, they are actually victimizing others too. Because the automatic reaction of others is to feel that they have to help or else they will experience a lot of guilt for rejecting someone who is helpless. So when the person "helps" it is coming from a space of anger or resignation and not from the space of joy and willingness.

This would result in the giving being insincere and the receiving being unfulfilling. Thus, the whole process of request and fulfilment of the request would be tainted.

I remember reading the book Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. He mentioned that when we make a request of a person, we must be prepared to hear a "NO" answer. But how many times we have an expectation that when we make a request with the magic word "Please" in it, others must fulfill our request. When a request is heard as a Demand, the other person only sees 2 option, submit or rebel.

So a good request is one that is specific, expressing our feelings and needs, it must be do-able by the person and the person has an option to say "No" .

Tolerating or Accepting

2010-03-29T16:42:00.000+08:00

I recently started to look at myself and how accepting I was of things that happen to me without holding on, resistance or judgement. Little did i know that what i thought was accepting was actually tolerating.
An incident that comes to mind is when I'm away at retreats and have to use unfamiliar bathroom and toilets. I noticed that the time taken to shower was shorter that the showers I would take at home. And if someone asked me how was the facilities, I would say, its pretty good, clean and well lighted. But at the back of my mind, i prefer to use my own bathroom

After observing what is happening, I realised that in my mind, there was a standard set for bathroom facilities in terms of size, cleanliness, the look and of course the functionality of the facilities. During my recent trip to NZ, I stayed at 11 different motels and youth hostels. My judging mind went wild assessing the place and of course I would know that those that met my internal standards, I had longer showers and those that did not, I "mandi kerbau" only.

So an interesting revelation is that I may say if someone asked me about the facilities, I would say "Oh its clean, good blah, blah, blah..." but if i observe myself, the truth is that I was tolerating the places that were below my predetermined standards and for those that were above my predetermined standards, I was indulging myself......

So where is the acceptance ? I realised how easily, I could tricked myself into thinking I was accepting when actually all that is happening is tolerating.

One important think I learnt from all this observations is that Tolerance comes with boundaries and expectations.

Money

2010-03-24T16:47:00.000+08:00

I was having a discussion about money with TL and commented that I observed in general (me included) has got our priorities all mixed up. What's important is measure in terms of money. For example, if I am rich that means I am successful. If I am poor, then I'm a failure. I had a chat with a friend DC and I had a good laugh because someone commented to him that their spiritual teacher is better because their teacher is rich and doing well. I'm sure their spiritual teacher do not use money as his/her yardstick about their spiritual teachings and how it affects people. Strangely, its the perception of the follower who is stuck with the form and not the essence of the teaching.

I asked DC a question. "If you had only 10 minutes to live, would you be taking all your money, cars, shares etc out and burn so that when you get to the other side (depending on individual's faith the other side could be heaven, hell, next life etc) it will be there waiting for you? " DC laughed and said, "Of course not". A book written by Kristine Carlson (Richard Carlson's wife) titled "An Hour to live, An Hour to Love" very poignantly shows that material stuff are the last thing we want to see when we die...... sooooo what is all this obsession with MONEY !!!

I guess the way out of this issue is to be ever mindful of my thoughts and feelings so that I can catch the patterns that grips me with regards to money. Remembering Impermanent nature would also be a practice to follow.
It will be an interesting journey to loosen the grip on the power of money !!!

Taking a Holiday !

2010-03-15T22:26:00.000+08:00

I just came back from a holiday in New Zealand with my husband (SS), sister in law and her 2 sons. We very ambitiously undertook to explore North and South island in 16 days. We spent 5 days in North Island and 11 days in South Island.

We landed in Auckland as the start of our journey, with the difference of 5 hours in time, the getting into and out of airplanes, the transit at Sydney, not sleeping on the flight, a new place , unfamiliar car and having to find our way around..... all this was the perfect recipe for loosing the mind and allowing emotions like confusion, anger, worry to take over. I think i was more stressed than relaxed on our first day.

Luckily SS is skilled in navigating and we finally managed to find our accommodations place in Auckland. Next we had to look for food. Luckily its walking distance and there were a lot of asian food but roads at Auckland was steep. After dinner, we walked around and found a supermarket that we could buy stuff for breakfast tomorrow. We did not realised the time as it was still very bright at 8pm. But the body was getting tired and was glad to go back to the room , shower and sleep.
All this while, i could notice a sense of uneasiness as so much for my senses to take in. I kept on remembering to watch my breath and check that i do not add any more drama in my mind.

The next day we took in the sights at Auckland like Mt Eden and Victoria Market. We hiked up Mt Eden to look at volcanic craters. Weather was lovely and we had a good view of Auckland city on top of the hill. Throughout the trip, i observed that i was rather impatient and worried that we were not dilly dallying. I thought i was strange as we are on holiday, why am i acting so uptight and controlling??

We left Auckland for Rotorua and stopped by a highway stop for lunch. When we took a long time to decide what to eat... i noticed the impatience coming up again. I just observed it without too much attachment to it. I realised that though I'm taking a holiday, it does not mean my ego takes a holiday too. Its still playing its role of wanting its way though it does not know what is the right way. It still wants to be right eventhough there is no right or wrong. so i came to a conclusion, that there is no place to hide from our ego even if i go to the furthest place on earth. Luckily for me, being mindful of what I'm experiencing, its a great way to allow wisdom to come in and lend a helping hand.

Learning from Trees

2010-02-16T23:33:00.000+08:00

I was at my mother in law's place over the CNY. Had the luxury of waking up late and the weather in the morning was so lovely. Cool winds was blowing every morning. On two mornings, i woke up early and decided to step into the garden area to do some Chi gong. The wind on my face and time to myself..... what more can i ask for..

I was observing the trees moving with the wind and remembered what the trees were like the day before when the air was still and the trees did not move. As I observe the trees, I pondered that:-

a. Trees accepts where they are at --- I have not seen a tree running away from its spot . Ha ha. So trees accepts whatever weather that they face... ah.. so not like me... too hot or too cold cannot tahan !!!
When the wind blows, the trees just follow the direction of the tree without judgement..... this to me is like being open to whatever without resisting or holding on..... again I've not seen a tree that put up a fist fight with the wind.. ha ha ..

b. Tree are equanimous in that they do not make such a fanfare when they grow a new branch or fruit.....not do they laments when someone chops off or trims their branches..... I have not seen a tree do the jiggle nor cry .... : D. In fact, they experience all this just as it is ..... so not like me who wish to let people know when i succeed at something and try not to let people know when i fail. Loose face mah !!

c. Trees accept their size and shape as it is ...... I was seeing that trees comes in various sizes and shapes and I've not seen the trees going for Cosmetic Surgery : D ......So not like me who wish for a flatter tummy, nicer skin etc ... Even if the tree bark looks terrible (this is my interpretation only because others may see it as beautiful) with scratch marks or damaged bark, i do not see it hiding behind another tree or trying to cover the damaged part.

So much learning from trees that I felt really humbled by what they are teaching me just by being themselves. Accepting what is as is !!

Remembering The Past

2010-02-12T20:50:00.000+08:00

Its Chinese New Year in another 2 days. As a married woman now, I have followed my husband back to his hometown to celebrate CNY there. During the journey to Melaka, I could see my mind reminiscing of CNY past. I remembered spending many years from childhood till I was in my mid thirties going back to my father's hometown in Perak. There all my uncles, aunties and cousins gather to have a reunion dinner that would take up 2 big tables.There were much laughter and fun and growing up in this environment made me appreciate family very much.

As the years go by, when everyone starts to grow up, get married and grow older, the reunion dinners members start to dwindle with some away to studies, married off etc. This year only 2 uncles will be having the reunion dinner at the hometown with just one of my cousin brother and his wife. In total, i think there will be just 6 persons compared to the 20+ people in the past. Thinking of this brings sadness to my heart. In my own family, my brothers will be having a reunion dinner at home with all my nieces and nephew. I can just imagine the noise and camaraderie that is going to happen tomorrow night when mom cooks up a storm.

While pondering all this, i guess things change but i so want them to be the same eventhough i am constantly changing. Why do i want them to be the same ??? The answer i have is that I'm afraid to experience feelings that i deem unpleasant when things changes. In other words, i'm afraid my heart will break or I cannot handle the changes. Of course, i can put up a brave front and say its ok

But for today, i choose to let those feelings come and I also choose to feel them to their fullest giving me a chance to be acquainted with them instead of pushing them away or avoiding them. I will not be able to stop changes from happening but i can be present to them. I can see how the feelings change. The gift I'm giving myself this CNY is the knowing that the past is over, the future is yet to come, the present is all i have.

Ignorance is bliss ??

2010-02-11T22:41:00.000+08:00

I have always heard the saying like "Ignorance is Bliss", " Don't know, don't care", "What you don't know won't hurt you" and wondered how far all these statements are true.

I reflected that over the last few months, I went to Terry for some Dorn Therapy for my recurring shoulder pain. From this therapy, he highlighted to me that the way i stand was not correct resulting in a concave type of posture that stresses the shoulders, neck and also head. After I gained this information, I'm constantly mindful of how my body still tends to go back to the old way of standing and sitting. With mindfulness, I correct my posture constantly and also check the way i sit and stand. I still need to work on it but am happy to notice that the shoulder pain has not occured for a few months and my shoulders no longer concave. So if ignorance is bliss, then i would have treated all the pain and discomfort by taking pain killers and thinks that its the only way.

Recently, i also notice my breathing patterns more and started to notice how i tend to breath shallowly when I'm in a "kan cheong" mode. With this too, I'm more aware of how to put the body in a more relaxed mode.

My meditation teacher has also highlighted to me in the recent retreat of the need not only be aware of what is happening in the body and mind but also to use intellingence to identify the idea that is behind certain action and thought patterns. With this, I'm less likely to push things that i do not like away or ignore it. Because ignoring and pushing unpleasant things away, just means I'm giving energy to it. Now if ignorance is bliss, I would not only be at the mercy of my thoughts and feelings but also blame the outside world for all my unhappiness .Then the idea that I'm a helpless victim would have been nailed into my belief system.

So.....as Lai fun shared with me.... ignorance gives short term gain but long term loss. Mindfulness gives long term gain.

Chinese New Year Preparation

2010-02-06T17:01:00.002+08:00

Chinese New Year is just around the corner and personally have been busy helping my mom make some preparation like buying stuff, decorating the house, changing new notes, getting her to the hair saloon for hair perming. In the midst of helping mom, i also had to get things done on my side to prepare gifts and stuff. During the whirlwind.... I so often check the state of the mind that I have when I go around.

Sometimes the mental state is rushed and stressed out. When this happens, i also notice that my breathing becomes very shallow. This in turn creates more stress and worry. In a very curious way, i was seeing how when i breath shallowly, i create more suffering. How did i come to be mindful of this ?? This I have to thank Sifu Hoh who i met over last weekend Dynamic retreat that i organised. Being a Chi Gong master, he observed that i do not have much "chi" resulting in me feeling fatigue very easily. His reminder of how shallow breathing is a norm for people who are rushing and this becomes a habit that we repeat when we sleep. No wonder I wake up feeling tired.

So with this new information, I start to observe the way i breath and whenever i catch myself breathing shallowly, i mindfully take a deep breath and breath out slowly through the mouth.
True enough, as i catch myself breathing shallowly and i take deep breaths, i do not experience so much tiredness throughout the day.

Gain or Loss

2010-01-24T10:53:00.003+08:00

I was at Tesco with my mom and happened to check out the money changer and realised that i've bought some foreign currency at a higher rate last week. The next thing i know is i had thoughts of self punishment like why did i not wait till this week to buy and felt guilty because I told my husband that we should buy last week as the trend was the rate was going up. With guilt and and self punishment being predominant, I could feel a sense of anger. I then reflected that my life had been lived from the fact if i felt that I've gained, then I'm happy and if I viewed I've lost (money, views etc), then I have unpleasant feelings. When the moment i felt that I've lost, i felt like a victim. But a victim of what ?? I was the one who made the decision. So did i victimize myself ???. I also observed that in that moment, i never call up to mind the times that I've gained and there are a lot of times. At that moment, nothing came up to mind. What a joke !!
I also observed that if i viewed I've lost, then someone had gained. So in this case I am not good enough because I've lost to someone else..... see how the mind tricks me!!!

I remembered in the Buddha's teachings that we are always influenced by the gain and loss, fame and defame, happiness and sadness etc. This dual conditions pulls me like a puppet on strings. Then my life is always about getting the upperhand but as we know what goes up must come down.
The avoidance of the pain or the down side has made me tread the world safely hoping not to experience the downside too much.

I realised if i live my life like this, I'm not living at all. So the idea is of course to accept things as they are. Even with this idea, acceptance is not simple. Because i may be able to accept at this moment and what happens in the next moment ? This question has been mulling around the mind for quite some time and one day maybe a spark of wisdom will throw some light into it!

Feeling Blue

2010-01-21T12:31:00.002+08:00

I went to sleep with a heavy head and woke up today with a heavy head. Of course the first reaction "I don't like this and I don't want this". With this comes a lot of feelings of self pity and "poor me". I have thoughts that say.... "I should be feeling better, more cheerful, energetic".... all the "shoulds" haunting me.

After wallowing in bed for awhile, I then had a thought, a spark of wisdom, "why shouldn't I be the way I am now?" When this popped into the mind, suddenly, i could see i was resisting what i'm experiencing now wanting something different. So what's wrong with feeling unwell ? With just this one thought, there is a sense of acceptance of where I am now is exactly Where I'm suppose to be. Most of the irritated feelings disappeared and a quiet acceptance is experienced.
I got up to dress and have breakfast. The head is still heavy but there is less judgment on it.

I skyped with Tuck Loon this morning and told him that i did not want him to see my face because i think I looked terrible.: ) He pointed to me his blog today which was on "All experience is of me , not to me or for me". I read it and found it very profound. If i can see all the experiences I am experiencing is of me, I'm just experiencing the me at the moment.

I made a comment to Tuck Loon saying if a person can be mindful 24/7, a person would slowly but surely have the courage to shine light onto the dark parts of their life to open themselves up to the experience and see the experience is just of them. Nothing to run away from.

Dreams

2010-01-20T18:30:00.000+08:00

Two days ago i received an email from Yoke Mei telling me that she dreamt she was scolding me because I missed out her name for a retreat i was organising at the end of this month. She remembered vividly being very angry and demanding a place be given to her as she was one of the first to register. I thought it was very funny that i was in someone's dream. So i asked her if she was underpressure or having any conflict with someone the day before.

Strangely, in the afternoon when I reminded Angel to update the participant's list and also to confirm that payment has been made, I discovered that we both could not find information of Yoke Mei paying for the retreat... it was like oooops and it got me thinking maybe her dream was going to become a reality : )

So, i called Yoke Mei and she mentioned she remembered sending the proof of payment about a month ago.... so it got more strange. Thank goodness she was really nice about it and resend the info to me again.

This incident got me wondering about the power of dreams. Do dreams tell us something or warn us of something? I remembered a meditation teacher of mine mentioning sometime ago that when we are living mindfully during the day where we are aware of our thoughts, feelings and actions, the ego had no chance to play its role. So it plays its role when we are asleep.

But I also believe sometimes dreams are the results of our intuition becuase when we are asleep, we sort of got out of our own way i.e being controlling and just allow the intuition/message to come thru.

I will definately take notice of the dreams i have and see which of the two category it falls under.

Seeking Approval

2010-01-19T14:20:00.000+08:00

Today i was asking my husband for an opinion and he looked at me, smiled and shrugged his shoulders. So i ask him what he meant by the shrug. Then this got me to thinking and reflecting. Why did I ask him for an opinion? and how would I take it if his opinion was different from mine ? I pondered and had a revelation that i was actually hoping to get him to give me an opinion that is similar to mine so that I can feel validated. And if he did gave me a reply that was different from mine and insisted i follow his opinion..... I can just imagine a different scenario and definately the start of a long argument. The beauty of the shrug is that it made me realise the freedom that comes with it. So any action if seen from a different perspective looks different : )