Mindful .... Really ?

I was so sure I was mindful
Am I or am I not ?
How can I say I'm mindful
when experience is where I'm at
I've missed the mark totally

Ignorance or Wisdom ?
Which is powering my live now?
Such a thin line to differentiate both
But differentiated it must be
For from wisdom comes clarity
From ignorance comes more ignorance

Step back.. step back
All that is needed is to step back to see
Nature is Nature
When I argue with it I lose
When I see it as it is then
wisdom has done its job
Is it "I" who did the job ?
If I believe "I" did the job
Woe begone Ignorance has paid a visit

Stepping back is actually stepping forward
How can that be ?
Truly it is
Isn't life a paradox ?

The Power of Wanting

Recently I was experiencing wanting something so badly that all I could think about was "how am I going to get it?" "why I cannot get it"?" "poor me in not having it yet", "how come he is denying me of what I want?", "I don't deserve not getting it" and on and on and on the thoughts went.

It was pretty interesting because as I observed the train of thoughts, there was more and more anger arising and its aimed at the person who I perceived as blocking my way in getting what I wanted. On the other side of the pendulum swing, there was a feeling that I was a victim of someone's selfishness. Either way, I could see that the force of the wanting was so strong that it caused some insomnia, some acting up, some uncalled for actions and speech towards others.

The whole episode of watching was for me to see how when I buy into a certain thought pattern, in this case wanting something so much, the mind kind of go into an addictive state until there is not rationality in it. The mind seem to perceive that since others have it, so I must have it too, to fulfill the belief I have that by having that thing, I would have done something correct. ..... and as I observed further, I could see that I do not care if I really, really needed it or not, it was more that I wanted to be approved.

The force of the wanting was so big it was all consuming but with a little light of clarity, from the observing mind that were at times not contaminated with the wrong attitude, the mind could see how deluded it was.

Its like a story that LF told me a long time ago about a person spotting a nice dress while window shopping and the mind could not stop thinking about the dress and the next set of actions was to ask others opinion on buying the dress. At the same time, there is worry that the dress would be bought by others together with the guilty thoughts of spending so much money on a dress. At the end the person bought the dress.... but was it bought from the energy of love and joy ??, Nope!!! .... it was bought from the energy of fear and worry. In a way, it was a case where the person cannot stand being in the state of fear and worry. Because of the dislike to those feelings and wanting to end the suffering, the person buys the dress.

If we can do that over a material things, what more over non material things like respect, love, approval etc.
What I know from the experience is that the feeling that is felt when consumed with wanting, it not a comfortable one.
 
For now, I finally understand what my teacher said, " We never get what we want". We never get what we want by the fact that we want, actually, what we get its the conditioning which is cause and effect.
Because the mind has been trained in the past that by wanting something, we will get it..... it goes into that mode of wanting which is an unproductive mode.

Quick Fixes

I was having a conversation with LF today and in the midst of the conversation, she mentioned that people like to have their problems fixed. I could not agree more. This is why people to and see Doctors, Therapist, Healers, friends etc. We all want the unpleasant feeling we experience when we have problems, to go away so that we can experience happy or pleasant feelings. I have wondered many a times on how wonderful life would be if I could just wave a magic wand and makes all the experiences I don't enjoy disappear ..... but ...... that is just wishful thinking.

I came to an insight that actually the experiences that I label as unpleasant are precisely those that are meant to heighten my awareness and grow wisdom. If life was hunkydory all the time, where is the opportunity for met to be aware and to crank up the curiosity to observe all that is going on in the body mind? So I conclude that experiences are meant to elicit feelings and thoughts that will either lead us to greater understanding of our mind patterns or lead us down the path of self judgement and doubt. One path leads to wisdom and the other to being stuck.

So, I may wish to crawl into bed and have the blanket over me when problems come a calling but it seem that this path is no longer a long term solution for me as the more I'm on this spiritual journey, the more I'm seeing the surrealness of things and events when the mind steps back from an experience to see what's happening within and not to be fixated by external drama.

Though sometimes I feel inadequate to handle all the experiences but I count my blessings that I have good friends who render support when the mind is unwilling and the spirit is low. Strangely, though the ego still wants quick fixes but whatever little wisdom that is here knows differently. The journey continues 

Accept or Suffer

Last week my whole family went on a road trip n at the end of the trip, my nephew n mom started to be sick. I thought it was a small matter but after a few hours on arrival at home I also started to vomit n have diarrhea. For 2 days plus I felt very weak n could not eat much.

Throughout the experience, the mind was aware of the discomfort experienced, the judgements and the wanting to be well. With acceptance that currently that was the experience being experienced, there was no fighting n what was experienced was a body that could rest easily. I notice there was no tension even though I had to wake up to go to the toilet.

I notice that in one occasion when the stomach was bloated throughout the night n the mind was experiencing a dislike to the sensations. This time, the mind bought into the thoughts and feeling and what the body experience was difficulty in relaxing and rest did not come easily though the body was tired. What a difference when there is acceptance n when there isn't.

In a way when we empathize with what's happening within, the energy that is around the experience can sort of just dissipate on it's own. In short, how long we suffer bodily n in the mind is dependent on the level of acceptance.

Spiritual Journey

Today I was at CnC participating in 2 events. The first one was the Conscious Living and Conscious Loving Roundtable and the second was a forum where I was the moderator for 4 persons sharing on their spiritual journey.

The first session is for those who had certain issue that they would like to resolve and were looking for some clarity. The second session was a sharing to allow people to learn from each other.

I realised that in the midst of both the sessions, it would seem that everyone had an issue and though it looked very diversed, a clear thing I could see is that it was all effects of a cause which at that moment the person is unable to identify. TL put it very nicely, if a person were able to be aware and identify the cause, they would no longer be affected by the patterns. So, it was clear that being aware is one part of the spiritual journey.

The other parts is about being patient with self as the exploration of self takes place using the tools that each has learnt. What was clear was that its was natural for each person to customise a certain tool for their own clarity and understanding.

Whatever the tool used, it was clear that the speakers all experience some changes as they walk their path. A very clear change was that they were no longer so attached to things and people. They feel lighter and freer, more accepting of things and there is also a sense of steadiness in maneuvering life's daily challenges. Of course, their self love increases the more they look within instead of without. The speakers were all in consensus that there is a need for honesty and integrity towards themselves about their own journey so that there is acceptance and willingness to see through whatever ugly stuff that comes up.

I thought it was great that there was no fixed method to walking the spiritual journey, each person must have the freedom to discover the method or tools that will work for them. And when the time is right, it also means time to let the tool go.

Live in The Present Moment

I was doing a new training session with SN last weekend. I asked the participants to list down the life they wish to experience physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally.

The answers that were given were that they wish to experience health, peace of mind, clarity, joy, energy, free from disease just to name a few.

When I mentioned to them that they can experience all that now, they were so skeptical.... it was hard for them to believe. I can see why because there is a belief that things cannot be so easy. What if at the basic level, things are indeed just that easy :)

I realised that they may not understand what I was saying. I wanted to tell them that in the Present Moment, they have and can make choices. There is no choice in the past because the past is over and there is no choice yet in the future because its not here. What we have in just the present moment and if we are hooked onto the past or future, we are not HERE, not PRESENT to what we are experience, so where is the choice? If we are not present to what we are experiencing, whatever we are experiencing are seen in the light of a past perception.

I mentioned that for example, if a person was sitting for a long time at the computer and if he is unaware, he will do it for hours and this would be his pattern to sit. This may eventually lead to bad posture and back ache. However, if he is aware that his posture is not correct, he can at the moment of awareness just stretch, breath and readjust his posture.... However, it may be within 5 seconds he goes back to the old posture if he is again unaware.  What I was getting at was that .... at the moment that he is aware, he is actually experiencing correct posture which leads to good health........ all he has to do is continuously be aware of himself and each moment of awareness brings about correct posture which eventually lead to him feeling more healthy because he no longer practice the old way of sitting. I was reading the newspaper just now about a story of a man in China who died after sitting in front of a computer for 3 days, hardly moving or eating or drinking because he is so hooked to online gambling. So, this proofs that being unaware can lead to death

SN mentioned that while we know its true, its quite hard for those who are suffering from debilitating illness to see this because they are constantly in pain. I do not have an answer to that question so far.

What I know is that if I was constantly aware of what going on in the mind and body, I have a better chance of understanding it compared to being unaware.

What is Success?

"What Is Success"

                by Ralph Waldo Emerson

To laugh often and much;

To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;

To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty;

To find the best in others;

To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived;

This is to have succeeded.