Tunnel Vision

I have been observing how often I have tunnel vision with regards to experiences in my life. This tunnel vision phenomena happens when I'm in a state of not conscious of myself or in another word... in automatic pilot. Tunnel vision also happen when there is not stepping back from an experience or emotion resulting in being stuck to the experience hence only old ways of reacting is happening. Tunnel vision also happen when the mind wish to be right or its being righteous hence its my way or the highway :)

I was out with SS for dinner a week ago and I was deep in thought as I was walking along a path to the shop. As the path normally has sales people selling titbits there, I normally just tell them NO. Though deep in thought, there is still an awareness of 2 women standing at the side holding something that looked like food. As we walked passed, they said " Would you like to support single mothers?" and immediately I said NO and continue on my journey. I was able to observe how the mind suddenly had a feeling of guilt for answering NO so quickly. When we sat down at the restaurant which was just a few doors away, I started to laugh and told how tunneled vision I was in the incident with the 2 ladies and how the mind jumped into conclusion that they were the same as previous experiences.

So, I checked that I would like to support the single mothers ..... ( well ... its based on an idea that they need help) but because there was no wisdom present at that moment, it could only be aware (that is why my teacher often mention that "awareness alone is not enough" ) hence old patterns continue to play up. This shows to me the mind will do its own stuff in its own way as if "I" am not there ...... so where is the "I" in all this ?


Interestingly, when there is mindful, the mind has clarity, is alert, is curious, is inquisitive, is in wonderment..... the possibility of tunnel vision is less likely to happen because the observer is constantly observing and checking the attitude and the ideas that are fuelling the actions, speech, thoughts and feeling.

Remaining Stuck to This Reality

If you take a close look at how velcro works, you will see tiny hooks on one side and strings on the other side. When the hooks catches on the string, they become stuck together. This example came to me while I was having a conversation with GG.

The fact that I believe this reality as REAL, I am  unconsciously hooking to all my experiences, thoughts, feelings, actions and ideas. The more hooked I am, the more I view this reality as the only reality that I will experience.

Hence, it is not hard to believe the world is a scary place for myself and I guess for many people. However, I notice, if there is an acceptance that the ego likes to hook on so that it can perpetuate this reality, there is actually a form of stability created in the mind to just watch it as the nature of ego. This will in a way, slowly and surely has an unhooking effect. Though I still experience the thoughts, feeling, action and experiences as real but the wisdom kicks in with appropriate questions that helps me to unhook. A new question that recently popped up in my space that helped me not to be so identified with this reality is  "How is this incident/experience perpetuating the hold on this reality? " Answering this question has been fun.

An incident that happened recently where I had not had enough sleep and had to be up early to fetch my mom. Due to the tiredness, I started to act snappy towards her and see wrongness in the way she does some things. Though there is awareness of the anger but because the attitude is not right...... hence the desire to be snappy continued. After snapping several times I decided to keep my mouth shut. When I asked the question, normality returned to my space but when the mind goes back to the wrong idea, it goes back to wanting to be snappy. So I told my mom, pls ignore me for awhile as anger is rearing its head now and I went out to take a walk to pay some bills at the post office. As I walked there I asked the question again and then allow it to be. By the time I got home, clarity/sanity has returned. 

Some of the hardest ideas to unhook are those that are deep seated and has a lot of righteousness invested in it. These are super velcro ideas that may take a lot of gentleness and also patience for understanding to arise.

Ideas, Ideas, Ideas

My nieces came over to stay with me for the last two nights as they expressed that they would like to spend time with me during this school holidays. I notice that I started to give them conditions to their stay.... must make their bed, remember to switch off the lights and fan when not in the room, blah blah blah....

When I check the mind, it was because I wanted to experience them in my own way....I wanted to have a tidy house, I wanted to save electricity etc ... all these wanting is not allowing me to experience them for who they are maybe because I am scared I may not be able to accept behaviours that are out of my boundary of tolerance. So when not conscious of these ideas, I was criticism them about not switching off the lights etc. But when I was aware, I will still ask them to switch off the light but its done in a gentle way and not in a reprimanding way.

It is very true we do things based on our ideas and intentions. I was making pizza dough today and after it was done, I placed it to rest for 30 mins and it doubled in size. I could see the mind was very happy. When my niece wanted to help, she immediately took the dough out and flatten it...... The first thought that came in the mind was "Oh No... there goes the dough" ... of course I told her she should not have done that and immediately she retreated back to the living room to read her book. Again, it was based on an expectation that the dough should be of certain way that I got upset.... When I related this to her, she was relating to me that was exactly what happened when I cut some embroidery string for her a different way from what I did earlier. She told me that she was upset because of her expectation. Of course, she could not see it when the incident happen but when we were talking about it later, she could relate the example to me.

So, I can really screw myself up with I am not aware which idea is operating currently.

Giving & Receiving

I was with my study group and we were talking about the first chapter of the book Non Violent Communication. One of the activity was to share an incident where we were giving from the heart and how we felt and vice versa when we did not give from the heart and how we felt.

As everyone started to share their story, I was seeing that in instances that they genuinely give from their heart, they feel very nice and I could see it on their face. However, if they give or did not give after some thought, there seemed to be a different look on their faces. I find it facinating.

One thing i found interesting in each of us seem to have the mentality that we can give to those that is seen to have less than us but we cannot receive from those who we perceive have lesser than us. For example, its ok for us to give to a beggar but its not ok for a beggar to give to me because it would be deemed not right.

Another interesting thing I realised that a lot of times the giving is thwarted because of a thought that came in after the intention to give. In a way we thwart our own compassion with logical thinking

A thing that struck me very clearly last night was that each moment is different. For instance, when a person wants to give something to us, we can make the giving complete by receiving but because of a logical thought, we stop the receiving from our end and the giving is not complete.

So there is a need for wisdom too in the giving and receiving. A giving that is sincere, is felt by the giver and the giver wants nothing in returned from the giving except the receiving. If the receiver is in doubt they can always be open by asking the giver their intention. The problem is that, we never ask, we make up some stories in our mind and act according to the story. If the story is about us being indebted to the person or its not right to receive from someone deemed having less than us, we shut off the receiving quickly to protect ourselves.

Same goes with receiving. We can receive from the heart and know nothing is expected in return or we can receive from the space of doubt and suspicion. Either way, only we will experience it.

I came to an interesting personal conclusion is that what is actually important was how the mind is relating to the cycle of giving and receiving. Meaning here is that what is the idea that is present in the giving and receiving. Is it coming from wisdom or ignorance

Self Deception

Recently, I was observing an interesting phenomena in myself after it was brought to my attention while in a conversation with someone.

I've noticed how I layer ideas upon ideas to guide me in operating in this world and because of this layering, I seem to have an idea to run everything.
For instance, if i have the idea that "others needs are more important than mine" or "to be a nice person, I must give in" or If I don't get what I want, its just my destiny."  or " wanting things is wrong or its selfish" , I will take action and speak according to these ideas.

With these thought, if I were going shopping with a friend and both of us like the same item, I would most likely not to express my like for the item when my friend has expressed her like because it would seem that I'm not nice and to make myself feel better I would layer another idea on top of the first idea like "its only a material good, its not permanent" . This will seem to put the mind to rest but am I really ok ?

From my observation, its not ok because I have shut out the possibility of seeing how the mind relates to all the wanting or desiring and to learn about the nature of it. By putting ideas as Band-Aid, I shut the case up very quickly and this disallow me from learning more about the mind. In another words, I'm not learning, I'm just fixing things so that I can maintain my seemingly peace of mind. In other words, no wisdom is grown. What is grown is just tolerance. If there were no big issues, I could well operate my whole life like this.

Having the ideas are not wrong. The ideas are what I call first level information for us to train our mind with some information for us to ponder and use our intelligence to apply it but as we progress in our practice, we must also look into this information to see how its operating in our system to learn from it. Unfortunately, we take the information given as the ultimate truth and regurgitate it in the situations that we experience. We are not learning to observe the relationship we are having in the mind with regards to the information.

As the Buddha said, we need to let go of the raft once we are at the opposite shore. Hanging on to the raft just hinders our progress.


  

Unnecessary Suffering

I came back from helping out and also participating in a 4 days retreat over the weekend till Tuesday. One of the thing that was discussed was the work of Byron Katie and on the 3 kinds of business. My business, your business and God's business. I was reflecting that when we are in our own business, there is less suffering and I had the opportunity to see then while having a conversation with a loved one. I'm sharing my take on her experience because it makes me see myself.

She was sharing with me how inconsiderate her MIL was to ask husband to fetch them back to hometown after arriving late from a holiday. And they had to take her car as his car had a flat tyre leaving her to take care of the flat tyre the next day before she goes to work. I could hear the pain and accusation she is in as she could not understand their action. It struck me there and then that she was in their business and also there was no acceptance that it was their nature to be like that because that is the behaviour they were displaying. Its just that their nature is not her nature.

I reflected how often I do not accept nor see other people's for their nature because its different from mine. Because of this I suffer ONE time. In my mind I want them to be different to fit my view of how people should be. This becomes my SECOND suffering. And I try to change them to fit my view by persuading, threatening, etc. This makes up my THIRD suffering. Isn't it wonderful how I wallow in suffering and blame others for it.  Because of this focus to change others, the mind is totally closed.

I shared with my loved one that if she accepted their nature, she will have more peace and if she can see that she has a choice to also  leave the punctured tyre car for her husband to come back to repair, she could easily have asked for a ride from a colleague or take a taxi to work saving her all the suffering. So, my learning from here is that we cannot see any strategies if we are totally embroiled in our suffering. In the end, our relationship with our spouse would be affected and if we do not come back to our own business, our relationships suffers because we carry the anger and resentment forward.

So, its true that suffering is optional !

Life Purpose

I have always wondered what is my life purpose. From young I thought life purpose is to be happy and with that I need to get a good education, be financially secure, have a family, insurance and a good retirement plan. As I embark on the spiritual journey, I realised that all the above that I use to guarantee a happy life is not IT. Looks like I've bark at the wrong tree.

Recently, I was re-aquainted with the practice of H'oponopono and it has brought out the fact that everything that comes into my space is my responsibility. And my responsibility is to clear the data or misperceptions that I have about things.

TL sent an email to me this morning and one paragraph of his email really hit the nail on the head when he said that "the only meaningful purpose of life is to clear all the garbage,baggage of memories that makes me come back again and again" And all we want is to return "HOME"

Coincidentally,while driving with my mom in the car today, I expresses that each person in life or a day can choose to do nothing, do something good or from wisdom or do something from ignorance. Whatever we choose, the moment or day or life will still be happening. But when we choose to do something from wisdom, which is in this case to clear the garbage, we allow nature or the divine to guide us. In a way, in my understanding, when I clear,  "I" get out of the way and let nature run its own course.

But we do not do that because of fear of the unknown, so we spend a lot of our time at work, or with family or doing what we think is the ultimate. I do not believe it is now because though we have work, family etc, they are actually mirrors for us to see what we need to clear. For example, I cannot want a happy family because wanting something is not going to get me what I want, I need to work on the cause..... meaning that I have to clear all the data or misperception and then when its clear, things will flow. So its not about getting something or going anywhere, its about clearing and all will come into play.

What a paradox of life. I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you , I love you.