In a recent retreat that I was helping out with, the theme was "Ideas Attract Situations" and it was interesting to just see how each idea propel us in a certain direction hence attracting the situation. Just today when I had the idea that I am not loved, immediately feelings of sadness and thoughts that gather evidence that "i am not loved" started to sprout. Hence started the insanity or the drama of wanting to be loved. While being aware of what is happening in the mind, there was awareness that the conditioning is such that, this was the experience that is being experienced.
I notice and also reflected that this drama can be played out in many ways in our lives like :-
a. I could go all out and do pleasing things to others so that they will appreciate and love me
b. I could ask another person to validate that they love me.... which is a strategy that is used very often in movies. But if the person do not validate and invalidate instead .... the drama will get bigger and worse
c. I could do weird actions like scolding the other person and nit pick in the hope that the other person will see the follies of their way and love me for being so wise ..... but this is definitely a strategy that brings about more negative response and the chances of getting what I want will be lower :D
d. I could give the person the silent treatment until the person acknowledges me or concede defeat.... again this is the cold war strategies which most women are familiar with....and result is also not good
So, I decided to take a different route of just being with the drama in the mind and watching the mental states when it believes the story. The question that popped up was that, what is the deeper underlying idea that is not being known so far to have caused this situation. Is there an idea of wanting to be special ? worthy or unworthy ? to be important ? wanting to win ? righteous ? dissatisfaction ?
From a discussion with B, I realise that aversion of something or greed of something is like the glue that is feeding the feelings. But what I was not recognising is that an idea has taken root so it must run its course as in its just nature... But the fact that I wish to fix the situation to my advantage, the ability to just be awake to the situation was not there.... hence drama continues. But once awaken, drama stops as mind recognises that its just nature.