Thursday, June 30, 2011
I have been observing how often I have tunnel vision with regards to experiences in my life. This tunnel vision phenomena happens when I'm in a state of not conscious of myself or in another word... in automatic pilot. Tunnel vision also happen when there is not stepping back from an experience or emotion resulting in being stuck to the experience hence only old ways of reacting is happening. Tunnel vision also happen when the mind wish to be right or its being righteous hence its my way or the highway :)
I was out with SS for dinner a week ago and I was deep in thought as I was walking along a path to the shop. As the path normally has sales people selling titbits there, I normally just tell them NO. Though deep in thought, there is still an awareness of 2 women standing at the side holding something that looked like food. As we walked passed, they said " Would you like to support single mothers?" and immediately I said NO and continue on my journey. I was able to observe how the mind suddenly had a feeling of guilt for answering NO so quickly. When we sat down at the restaurant which was just a few doors away, I started to laugh and told how tunneled vision I was in the incident with the 2 ladies and how the mind jumped into conclusion that they were the same as previous experiences.
So, I checked that I would like to support the single mothers ..... ( well ... its based on an idea that they need help) but because there was no wisdom present at that moment, it could only be aware (that is why my teacher often mention that "awareness alone is not enough" ) hence old patterns continue to play up. This shows to me the mind will do its own stuff in its own way as if "I" am not there ...... so where is the "I" in all this ?
Interestingly, when there is mindful, the mind has clarity, is alert, is curious, is inquisitive, is in wonderment..... the possibility of tunnel vision is less likely to happen because the observer is constantly observing and checking the attitude and the ideas that are fuelling the actions, speech, thoughts and feeling.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
The fact that I believe this reality as REAL, I am unconsciously hooking to all my experiences, thoughts, feelings, actions and ideas. The more hooked I am, the more I view this reality as the only reality that I will experience.
Hence, it is not hard to believe the world is a scary place for myself and I guess for many people. However, I notice, if there is an acceptance that the ego likes to hook on so that it can perpetuate this reality, there is actually a form of stability created in the mind to just watch it as the nature of ego. This will in a way, slowly and surely has an unhooking effect. Though I still experience the thoughts, feeling, action and experiences as real but the wisdom kicks in with appropriate questions that helps me to unhook. A new question that recently popped up in my space that helped me not to be so identified with this reality is "How is this incident/experience perpetuating the hold on this reality? " Answering this question has been fun.
An incident that happened recently where I had not had enough sleep and had to be up early to fetch my mom. Due to the tiredness, I started to act snappy towards her and see wrongness in the way she does some things. Though there is awareness of the anger but because the attitude is not right...... hence the desire to be snappy continued. After snapping several times I decided to keep my mouth shut. When I asked the question, normality returned to my space but when the mind goes back to the wrong idea, it goes back to wanting to be snappy. So I told my mom, pls ignore me for awhile as anger is rearing its head now and I went out to take a walk to pay some bills at the post office. As I walked there I asked the question again and then allow it to be. By the time I got home, clarity/sanity has returned.
Some of the hardest ideas to unhook are those that are deep seated and has a lot of righteousness invested in it. These are super velcro ideas that may take a lot of gentleness and also patience for understanding to arise.
Friday, June 3, 2011
When I check the mind, it was because I wanted to experience them in my own way....I wanted to have a tidy house, I wanted to save electricity etc ... all these wanting is not allowing me to experience them for who they are maybe because I am scared I may not be able to accept behaviours that are out of my boundary of tolerance. So when not conscious of these ideas, I was criticism them about not switching off the lights etc. But when I was aware, I will still ask them to switch off the light but its done in a gentle way and not in a reprimanding way.
It is very true we do things based on our ideas and intentions. I was making pizza dough today and after it was done, I placed it to rest for 30 mins and it doubled in size. I could see the mind was very happy. When my niece wanted to help, she immediately took the dough out and flatten it...... The first thought that came in the mind was "Oh No... there goes the dough" ... of course I told her she should not have done that and immediately she retreated back to the living room to read her book. Again, it was based on an expectation that the dough should be of certain way that I got upset.... When I related this to her, she was relating to me that was exactly what happened when I cut some embroidery string for her a different way from what I did earlier. She told me that she was upset because of her expectation. Of course, she could not see it when the incident happen but when we were talking about it later, she could relate the example to me.
So, I can really screw myself up with I am not aware which idea is operating currently.