Waiting For Life To Happen

Am I living my life or is my life being lived?
As 2013 comes to a close, it is indeed a time for me to ponder and reflect.

I must admit, many a times I am not here .... Meaning that I am lost in thought, thinking of the past or planning for the future, worrying about stuff and reacting to things that happen in my space. This clearly indicate that there is a lot of times that my life is being lived by all the old patterns and conditions that made up this life.

What does all this means? All I know for now is that I am still following old conditions as oppose to being aware of them. Somehow, old conditions seems to be like a comfortable old shirt that I have worn for years and though it's torn, faded and tattered, I still prefer it because I know how it feels when I slip into it. Basically, just looking for comfort zone instead of being aware of what is happening.

What is it like when I am living my life? It's one that is conscious of what is being experienced, knowing clearly what is happening, knowing the emotions, thoughts that goes thru the mind, the desires to take action so that I can feel better. This seemed like being passive but this is most active because constantly there something to be aware off. It's about knowing what is making this 'being' tick.

In a way, I can make my own life really miserable when I just go about it like a headless chicken. So tomorrow is another day and this moment now is just a new moment. Let's get back on the horse of being conscious!! Happy New Year !!!

Being True

How true are we to ourselves ?? In this world, everyone of us wants to be loved and to belong. I was shocked to read in a recent book by Dr Brene Brown titled The Gifts of Imperfection, Love and Belonging are actually on the opposite continuum. Many a times, when we want to belong, we will do what it takes to ensure we are accepted by the friend/partner/ family/colleagues etc. We perceive that when we act, think, look, talk like what is deemed appropriate, then we will belong and be loved. However, many a times, we will have a dilemma where we know the way that is seen as "correct", so as we can fit in, is not something that feels right in our gut. So the question is do we go against the norm or follow the norm?. There are many instances in families, community, schools and workplace, that we will "sell out" so that we can belong and do not rock the boat. We easily sacrifice what is authentic within thinking that is not what is called for to be loved.

Recently, I was observing the mind, speech patterns and action and realised that many a times, I could not act or express authentically even to my own self. For example, I am feeling tired out and wanting to rest but when a phone call comes, I will proceed to chat and support the person eventhough what was real for me is to rest. I was afraid I would offend the other person. So when the person asked if I can chat ... I said YES when I could have said Not Now.

However, there is another component of being authentic and true that was highlighted to me by a friend. He said in the Buddha's teaching, there must be wisdom to know when to act and what is the appropriate way and time to express. I understood what he was getting at. So I realised that with awareness and wisdom, we can recognise what we need to be authentic about and how and when to express it is also important for the good of all.

Holding Presence

Recently I am coming more and more into the realization that when we hold presence for what is happening in our inner world or for someone else, something beautiful comes out of it.

I used to think that being silent and just listening is holding presence but that is not entirely it because  many a times, there are still a lot of chattering in the mind and I was thinking of how to respond, what can I say next etc.

I was away in a workshop and in it I was paired up with another person and all I had to do was allow the person to speak and I just listen...... In the first practice, all I notice was I was so self conscious and I hardly could be present to what the person was expressing and at the same time wanting to give an empathic answer.... And hoping it will be right....it was very stressful and I did not feel connected to the other person at all.

In another practice, I set the intention of just being present and let nature takes its course, this time the experience was very different. I could just sit silently and pay attention. There was no discomfort or urgency to respond. And when I made a response, there were not many words needed. The feeling of being connected did not require much words to express. I noticed the person who I was holding presence for looked relaxed and I am guessing she felt safe emotionally too. I just felt gratified when she mentioned that she felt empathized.