I observed that when there is a wanting to be special, a lot of energy and actions are taken to have that craving fulfilled. For instance, I'll dress in a certain way, say things in a certain way, act a certain way, laugh in a certain way, use certain words, walk in certain ways etc. In fact, to make me feel special about myself, I try to accomplish many things in a day. Because with accomplishments, this means I am productive, important and special. Sometimes this pattern of "doing things" is quite exhausting because its driven by ego. When I listen to the body, it tired and needs to rest but becuase of this need to achieve, the need for rest is pushed aside in favour of achievement and thus feel special.
I recalled the times that I felt that I was special to loved ones, friends or even strangers (like at the bank or department stores), there were feelings of happiness, power and lightness. I observed that I was more chatty, there was a certain "air" about me.
Recently, I noticed many instance thoughts popped in the mind that sort of say " When I do this, this person will be appreciating me" or "I'm here so now this person should pay attention to me now". And when the person does not.... there was feeling of disappointment. Even the hearing of accomplishment or specialness of others also brings out envy and jealous feelings and questions of why I don't have such gifts popped up. (Even if I not necessarily want such gifts, there is still a wanting)
I realised when these thoughts come, its an indication of the desire to be seen as special.... I was quite intrigue because its quite easily to entertain or to buy into the thought. When I start to recognise these thought.... I felt depressed because it sort of show me how incessant this craving for specialness is. Its easy to go downhill from here and label myself as a failure. I remembered my teacher asking me the question, "Did you recognise that this is happening in your mind ? " "If you can recognise it, it is a good start .... just keep being aware of it." Ha ha ... easier said than done but I'm game to keep going to be mindful of this craving for specialness. Maybe I'm consoling myself but I think the journey of mindfulness has no finishing point just need to persevere and be patient.
Haha! Welcome to the real spiritual journey! And I would say be happy, be really really happy that you have come to this point as not many has seen it yet. And it is always be the case that when u see the truth for the first time, the experience is always dismay and probably sadness. It is the sadness of lies that you have come to abandon but the ego is still gripping to that lie tenaciously.
ReplyDeleteLike a toothache - the pain is something that we want to resolve but the thought of having the tooth remove is kinda a sad feeling - the many years of serving us! What a specialness we have even to a tooth. Ha!
So it will be soon over when u triumph over this clinging and come to a new level of greatness. But before that enjoy the sadness.... ho ho ho.
So there is a gift here for you from J:
Whoever knows the world
discovers a corpse.
And whoever discovers a corpse
cannot be contained by the world.
And I wish to remind you that you will see more and more silliness of this specialness occurring in your relationship to people and also things and the more you are conscious about it the more you are letting it go - that is when u feel more and more free of this addiction. So enjoy this new found Love - the love of unconditional letting go.
Yeshua said:
Whoever searches
must continue to search
until they find.
When they find,
they will be disturbed;
and being disturbed, they will marvel
and will reign over ALL.
Yes! Yes! Welcome to the CLUB!!! ;D
ReplyDeleteI loved reading this post because I also notice that I long to feel special to others, and then I feel ashamed of this ego addiction to wanting to be special in the eyes of others.
ReplyDeleteI respect your honesty and courage in talking about the desire to feel special. I think most people feel this desire, but we tend to keep these feelings hidden. It's much better to bring it out in the open.
Maybe we can smile at our ego as we would smile at a child? Instead of hating or feeling ashamed of our desire to be special, we can see that that is just the nature of the ego, and it is not "bad" or "sinful"- it is just what egos do.
This approach seems to free up energy to notice that there is more here than just an ego wanting to stir up suffering.
What else is here besides the ego?
What else is here that isn't interested in being seen as special?
Presence is here. Awareness is here. Love is here. Integrity is here.
True nature is here. The ego and its desire to feel special can never take that away, it can only distract attention away. Yet attention is drawn back to true nature, to who we truly are.
Thank you for your post, and I also enjoyed the comments by Hor Tuck Loon- thank you also.
Thank you. Your comments of treating the ego in a friendly manner is very true because when ego is seen as "bad"... a lot of energy goes into suppressing and destroying it and when I did that in the past, I was growing the ego instead of understanding its nature. At moments of unmindfulness or ignorance, there seems to be nothing more than the constant drive for specialness. :)
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