Recently I've been observing myself on how much I wish to be special to someone or to be seen as special.
I observed that when there is a wanting to be special, a lot of energy and actions are taken to have that craving fulfilled. For instance, I'll dress in a certain way, say things in a certain way, act a certain way, laugh in a certain way, use certain words, walk in certain ways etc. In fact, to make me feel special about myself, I try to accomplish many things in a day. Because with accomplishments, this means I am productive, important and special. Sometimes this pattern of "doing things" is quite exhausting because its driven by ego. When I listen to the body, it tired and needs to rest but becuase of this need to achieve, the need for rest is pushed aside in favour of achievement and thus feel special.
I recalled the times that I felt that I was special to loved ones, friends or even strangers (like at the bank or department stores), there were feelings of happiness, power and lightness. I observed that I was more chatty, there was a certain "air" about me.
Recently, I noticed many instance thoughts popped in the mind that sort of say " When I do this, this person will be appreciating me" or "I'm here so now this person should pay attention to me now". And when the person does not.... there was feeling of disappointment. Even the hearing of accomplishment or specialness of others also brings out envy and jealous feelings and questions of why I don't have such gifts popped up. (Even if I not necessarily want such gifts, there is still a wanting)
I realised when these thoughts come, its an indication of the desire to be seen as special.... I was quite intrigue because its quite easily to entertain or to buy into the thought. When I start to recognise these thought.... I felt depressed because it sort of show me how incessant this craving for specialness is. Its easy to go downhill from here and label myself as a failure. I remembered my teacher asking me the question, "Did you recognise that this is happening in your mind ? " "If you can recognise it, it is a good start .... just keep being aware of it." Ha ha ... easier said than done but I'm game to keep going to be mindful of this craving for specialness. Maybe I'm consoling myself but I think the journey of mindfulness has no finishing point just need to persevere and be patient.