Willing to Love ?

There are times when we are feeling out of sorts and its like the world is upside down..... nothing seem to be joyful to do. All that is there to feel is listlessness, stuck and unhappy. So what to do when in such state? Battle it out ? Swear ? Blame others? Scream?

When in this state, it just feels like the spiritual journey is a difficult journey because of the knowing that whatever is happening is just effect of a cause which at the moment is not visible to me yet. So while still experiencing the effects, there are a lot of uncertainty on what is the best way to handle it.

 Of course applying the "Do Nothing" approach is a good one because whatever I choose to do from this type of energy would be disastrous. For now, I choose to be aware of all the uncomfortable feeling and thoughts. At the same time wondering what it is all about.

I had a conversation with TL about it and he mentioned that its may be some old issues that has cropped up and it seems that I'm tolerating it therefore making it hard to gain understanding about it. I can see there is a lot of truth about what TL said because when issues come up, its normally an uncomfortable time and there is always a wanting to get rid of it instead of loving what has come up.

For me this is the hard part..... Would I be willing to love the part of me that seemed so unlovable? Would I be willing to be gentle with myself and also with what is coming up? This calling to be willing to love what is unlovable is really a paradox because normally, things that are unlovable are just fragmented or cut of from our view..... sort of like shutting it away in a dark dungeon.

The uncomfortableness of loving an uncomfortable part of ourselves is really something interesting because it require a lot of willingness to constantly be aware of the changes that is happening. At times, it seemed to easy to love the unlovable part and at times,it seems like there is no way to love the unlovable part because of the extreme swing in the emotions. I remembered in a scene in the movie "Matrix" where one of the person on Neo's team met with Agent Smith and requested to be plugged back into the matrix because being in "Reality" was really difficult and he wish to go back to the "Dream" world.

Though it looks like life is easier just by being mindless, in actual case its not because somehow or rather, I have to take responsibility for whatever that is happening and work with it to gain understanding for my higher good.

Mega Sale and the Mind

For the last few days, I was observing feelings of being out of sorts, like spinning out of my axis. As I reviewed what I'm doing the past few days, they were things that were not done normally by me like spending hours at a shopping mall and in spaces where there is a lot of people. If I was not in these situations, I would not have seen how the mind works in a mega sale situation.

Anyway, I must admit that I'm a bargain hunter, spending hours at end in shopping malls or shops or online trying to get the best deal. This time around, I was observing the mind and saw that the mind that wishes to get a bargain is actually a mind that is also trying not to lose out.So if I got a bargain, then I win, if not, I lose.  For instance, if I'm shopping with my mother and we managed to get things at a bargain, we would feel very happy but if not, we felt cheated. But who is to say I win or lose? The funny thing is that it is I who says it based on the perception I have. Because of this perception, there is always a doubt lingering in the mind after a purchase and this can really be very disconcerting because the experience does not seem to end.


I have also pondered why is it that high end malls can exist and why is there people who choose to spend loads of money on branded stuff when the money can be put to better use...... Just looking at this trend of thinking, it is very clear that there are still abundance issues in me because I'm viewing the world from the point of scarcity and moralistic judgement.

I was having a conversation with SS about this and mentioned to him, even if I had a windfall of money and has a free hand to spend all the money, there will be a lot of guilt there because of the old program I have of being thrifty and afraid of being cheated. So how can I spend money without guilt, fear and envy? This is an interesting question that I posed to myself.


I was quite surprised when I had this understanding that I was actually evaluating each experience instead of being in the experience. And what is it about being in the experience ? .... its about giving myself the chance to touch and feel the product, its also about giving the sales person a chance to do his sales pitch, its also about allowing me the chance to ask question and clarify doubts about the product. And throughout the experience, be mindful of the mind that is constantly drawing conclusion about the experience. I realised that whether I bought the product or not was not the main thing, it was the way I'm choosing to experience the experience was the main thing. And strangely, nowadays whether I buy or don't buy the product, there is still an appreciation of what the experience brought.

Being Communicative

Recently I made an interesting observation while watching 2 person communicating with each other. We humans communicate all the time either verbally or non verbally. Because of the meaning we put into the word and action, we will respond accordingly. Interestingly, while we think we are communicating with another person, in reality, we are only communicating with ourselves.

This is because we interpret whatever the person is saying or doing through our own paradigm/filters/perception. If so happen that the perception of both parties seemed the same, then the communication is then has an agreeable outcome in the eyes and ears of both parties.

However, if what the person says is seen as disagreeable to our perception of how things should be, then an unpleasant situation will occur. So, if we never took the time to investigate what is triggering us and hence start to see the perception we hold, then we would constantly be reacting to the triggers and blaming the other person. We would hold on to our view that the other person is a monster, uncaring, stupid, moron, etc. The normal tendency is to give up in communicating with the other person all together. And if we do still need to communicate with the other person, the communication will carry the energy that the person feels for the other person. The result is even more mis-communication.

I realised that is just so so so easy to stay in our perceptions because it makes us right but it does not give us peace. Like Byron Katie says "Would you rather be right or be free?". Most of us in moment of non conflict will say that we choose to be free but when a conflict happens and if we were unconscious, we would choose to be right.

Making to choice to be right, automatically puts us in a reactive mode as well and gives us tunnel vision. I've seen how a relative choose to be right in his communication and each time he ended up feeling angry, victimised, misunderstood and blames the other person for being stubborn, unkind etc. What a painful way to live life. 

I wonder is the satisfaction of being right so great that it totally obliterate the possibility of seeing a situation or person in another light.... and hence a way out from pain ?

Being in Integrity

I have been having lessons on integrity coming up in my life lately. There were situations that I had to express to someone a definite "NO" for their request because it is not what I would want to be involved in. Hard though it was to stand in integrity but it was a relief to express out the truth of the matter rather than avoiding it.

Another incident was also in the recent training I was conducting and I told the participants that I would like them to come back in time after the breaks because I would like to fulfill the time allocated for the training as promised to the organiser. Interestingly, when I have integrity about time, the participants were almost always on time.

So I wondered why is integrity so important? In my pondering, I realised that having integrity is not about being stubborn but being clear about what resonates with our inner being and what does not. And the best part is there is no faking it because integrity comes from a space of honouring ourselves and not selling ourselves short.

Many a times in the past, I would have easily given in to others because I wish to appear as a nice person or am afraid of not being approved by the other person, but I realised when I do that, I'm only hurting myself because it chips away a part of me.

Another incident that clearly I remember is when D called me up to chat with me about the problems D was having in the office. He told me about subordinate who went on leave without informing him first and then left a load of work for him to complete. Through out my conversation with him, I noticed that I was being triggered by what was happening though at the beginning I was neutral. I wondered why was I triggered. The answer that came to me was that there were still areas that I am not standing in my own integrity resulting in me being pulled into the drama of the other person.

If someone were to ask me if I was standing in full integrity.... I can safely say "NO".... I am still on the journey