Being in Integrity

I have been having lessons on integrity coming up in my life lately. There were situations that I had to express to someone a definite "NO" for their request because it is not what I would want to be involved in. Hard though it was to stand in integrity but it was a relief to express out the truth of the matter rather than avoiding it.

Another incident was also in the recent training I was conducting and I told the participants that I would like them to come back in time after the breaks because I would like to fulfill the time allocated for the training as promised to the organiser. Interestingly, when I have integrity about time, the participants were almost always on time.

So I wondered why is integrity so important? In my pondering, I realised that having integrity is not about being stubborn but being clear about what resonates with our inner being and what does not. And the best part is there is no faking it because integrity comes from a space of honouring ourselves and not selling ourselves short.

Many a times in the past, I would have easily given in to others because I wish to appear as a nice person or am afraid of not being approved by the other person, but I realised when I do that, I'm only hurting myself because it chips away a part of me.

Another incident that clearly I remember is when D called me up to chat with me about the problems D was having in the office. He told me about subordinate who went on leave without informing him first and then left a load of work for him to complete. Through out my conversation with him, I noticed that I was being triggered by what was happening though at the beginning I was neutral. I wondered why was I triggered. The answer that came to me was that there were still areas that I am not standing in my own integrity resulting in me being pulled into the drama of the other person.

If someone were to ask me if I was standing in full integrity.... I can safely say "NO".... I am still on the journey

Right & Wrong Mind Training

I was pondering just awhile ago about the importance of building the right mental muscles or right mind muscle. As in body building, if we do not do it gradually and in the right way, we may damage our body beyond repair.

Sad to say the same goes with training the mind to build the right mind muscle. For many years in my own life, the mind has been given both right and wrong muscle training. The wrong mind muscle training just leads me to more delusion like I can train the mind to believe that my misery is caused by someone out there or my happiness depends on having certain criteria met or showing weakness is a no-no etc.  With this type of wrong mind muscle training, what can happen is a lot of unnecessary drama in life resulting in guilt, anger, remorse, blame, coercion, pain etc. The mind constantly experience life in the Victim ..... Rescuer ... and Persecutor prison.

If a mind receives the right mind training whereby the right kind of information is input into the mind and life is lived according to the right information...... each life experience becomes an opportunity to practice, to observe the mind, to be curious about things that happen, to gain understanding and wisdom. This type of mind stands unwavering in facing every crazy, wonderful, sad, funny, angry and confused moment in life. It finds solace not in others but in itself. This I believe is called Freedom and Peace.

I remember LF asking participants in her class which picture they would prefer ...... the picture of a perfectly still and calm lake with a clear reflection .... or the picture of dark clouds, raining with lightning and somewhere in the crack of the mountain you see a nest where a mother bird and her babies nestle there warmly and comfortably.

I personally choose the 2nd picture because life is not going to be calm and hunky-dory all the time. Life is full of ups and downs and to be able to go through it with still a smile on my face, compassion in my heart and wisdom in my mind..... then I would know that the mind has received the right training.

Being Appreciated & Supported

The weekend workshop I organised completed today quite smoothly and I was told that the participants were happy with the workshop. I was feeling quite happy and when TL related to me about the workshop and what happened there, I was rejoicing. He told me that I must appreciate the work I put into organising the workshop and to reward myself with a higher program manager fee.

When he said that, I was feeling a bit sheepish about rewarding myself but I noticed an interesting feeling popped up... I was enjoying the fact that someone appreciated me.... That feeling... no money could buy. I also reflected that I felt really good and motivated these few days with TL & LF supporting me verbally and physically on my journey of rice fasting. This feeling seemed to buoyed me and motivated me further to continue.

I guess this is human nature and countless studies have been made to proof that when a person is appreciated and supported, they shine, they grow, they do things beyond expectation etc. I raised a question to the mind on " What would happen if there was no appreciation for things that you do?". The answer that I got was that I am not at the level where I'm not affected by appreciation or criticism. I still have a journey of learning to be equanimous and accepting things as it is. There is no sadness in it when the answer came to me because this is where I am now. I admit that there is still a liking for appreciation and support and a dislike for criticism and things that do not go my way.

Because of the awareness of this liking and disliking, it sort of makes the emotional swing of feeling good/high and feeling negative/low not so wider. In a way, there is a sense of goundedness and not be too carried away to each end of the continuum. Maybe if the swing of emotion get smaller and smaller, the closer to the middle path a person would be.

The Power of Intention

I had just finished a fasting of 7 days yesterday. When I first started the fasting a week ago, there was a clear intention that I am committed to the fast and will stop eating and drinking from 5.30am - 7.30pm. With this intention, dutifully I woke up at 4am plus to prepare and have my meals,went back to sleep and carried on my usual chores as best as I can. Strangely, through out the whole 1 week, there was very little hunger pangs but there was thirst pangs. With the hunger pangs, I asked the question, "Is the mind hungry ?" or "Is the body hungry?". Just with this differentiation, it was easier to observe the bodily sensation and not associate it with the mind. In fact, I realised that the mind seemed to be able to project more hunger than the body can :).

As for the thirst, the questions did not work so well but because of the intention set, the mind could keep seeing the protest and also the stories about being dehydrated etc. The interesting things is that the mind was quite willing to settle down.

In the 7 days, I observed an underlying feeling of fear which I guess is about fear of failing to complete the 7 days fast successfully and having to do it again. I notice because of the intention, the mind was again pretty stable to watch the feelings and thoughts that surround that gently.

Today is the first day of non fasting and because the intention of fasting is no longer there, I notice that hunger pangs was experienced several times during the day and also the mind seem to be a bit more busy looking for food to eat. Strangely though, I kept forgetting to drink water. What a strange turn of events.

What I know from this experience is that there is really a difference in the state of mind with clear intention and a mind that is without clear intention. So, I guess it proofed to me that how I experience an event or situation is based on what intention I've set in the beginning.  I came to an interim conclusion that for the times that I do not consciously set an intention, then default intention (which comes from past conditioning)will be leading the experience.

Is This What You Want ?

I came across a saying that "we will never get what we want" . Is that true ? Most of the time, we get what we don't want. : ) My teacher mentioned that people are not happy when they get what they want and what they don't want because when we get what we wanted, we have fear of losing it. When we don't get what we want, we get upset and angry........ So I pondered that its so easy to want because as a human, I have many desires. I may be wrong, but I think Wants comes from desire for quick fixes and short term thinking.

I remembered I was in the car with a relative and she said that she saw in the newspaper that the price of Genting shares has dropped and though she has only half a lot, she was bemoaning her loss of fortune. I found it very funny and I asked her what does she want ? She said, "I want my shares to go up so that I can make money".... So I asked, what would make Genting shares go up ? Well, the answer was, when their casino, hotel etc business do well. So in other words, if Genting only has casinos and more people goes and gamble and lose their money, the business is seen to be doing well, right ?..... but what about the rise in gambling?
Another example would be pharmaceutical companies, when people get sick and need medicine, their shares goes up because their drugs sells very well.

Anyway, what I realise is that when we want something to go our way.... normally it does not go for the other party. Like in a relationship, if i want my husband to kiss me goodnight but that is not what he wants..... I can insist and get my way but the kiss would not come from love, it comes from coersion. It would be a terrible kiss : D

I was reading Byron Katie and she said, we would only get what we NEED. So if i was sitting in a traffic jam, that is what i need at that moment. I have been putting it to practice and realise that there is less tension when I come across incidents I don't want or like.  Still experimenting

How I See It

Recently, there was a lot of dramatic experiences that were really calling for attention on how I will respond to the experiences. I and a few CnC friends are involved in organising a project of bringing my Meditation teacher from Myanmar and then conducting a new format tour retreat with 24 people in Langkawi. In paper, this grand plan looked really good... in executing, there were quite a bit of bumps.

Each time a bump is experienced like the visa cannot be done early but nearer to the date and some airtickets were booked wrongly resulting in extra charges, there are a lot of emotions attached to it, drama so to speak, that call each and everyone of us involved in this to do their own inner work.

I realised that everyone experience different lessons though we are working on the same project and each bumpy experience leads us to feel powerless, limited and upset. However, as I watch how the others and myself in the team go past the initial feeling, we are are learning to see the impermanent/illusionary nature of what is happening. (though I must qualify that my observation of others are based on my perception only, so I may not be 100% correct about their experiences) . We are seeing issues in us that are calling for attention like unworthiness, lack of faith, focusing on money, not trusting etc.

These issues will come so long as we have not gained understanding about them but I notice each time the same issue come and we work on it, the response is different and the feelings that arise from the issue are less heavy. I guess this is can be called progression. But the issue is not about progression because its not a race to the finishing line. For me, its about the journey into authenticity and connection with wisdom. 

Dancing With Anger

I have been told many times by my teacher that anger is just nature, its not mine per se. In my mind...I questioned what my teacher said because whenever there is anger, i felt it personally, in fact i took it personally.

Today due to some fear about a condition in the body, I could see that the mind was not happy and wanted things (in this case, the body) to be well. From here anger started to creep up and before I know it, full blown anger and everything is just seen as not right. When i see the anger as my anger..... I sense so much constriction, restriction and total preoccupation with it. In other words, the mind was on fire !

When i was reading about non violent communication... it was said that anger is just the first layer. Behind anger is just a need that is not met. The need may be respect, love, appreciation etc. When our needs are not met, anger is the result. But how many of us took the time to investigate the need... we are too busy dancing with the anger. 

This anger has been with me for many years and I had lovingly nurture it since young. At the beginning, anger got me what I wanted and I also learnt from a score of people from childhood to adulthood, that anger bears results. Whenever, I get angry I get what I wanted either from myself or others. If I'm angry and frustrated, i give myself ice cream to pacify myself and feel good. If there were others involved, I make it known in terms of speech and action about my displeasure and anger. In another word, inevitably .... someone must pay....


Today I saw that when I want to make someone pay... I'm paying too. So for today I choose to keep quiet and just be withe the anger when I'm cutting vegetables, chopping garlic, cooking soup, cooking rice, doing laundry, sending out email etc. I could see that ever so often the mind has thoughts of expressing it so that i can release it to another person and trigger their pain body. I know from experience, if another person's pain body is triggered, this would make my own painbody feel better. I choose not to do that today but I think the energy of it can be felt though I kept quiet.

For today whenever I felt and observe the anger getting stronger, i checked my attitude.. am i watching anger with anger ??? With just this, it goes back to simmering mode.....The constant question that I asked myself is "Where is the mind now? How is the observing mind now ?. Just by this practice of constant awareness.... i start to experience that the anger will do its work but I will do my work of staying present and mindful. I experience several times, that I am not this anger, its nature. When I'm in this space, I feel like I'm doing the graceful waltz. Other times, I experience, this anger is mine....and here I feel like I'm doing the intensely passionate Tango. I believe when I can one day fully see that anger is just nature.... I will no longer be in the dance for the music would stop.

"You Complete Me" ..... Ha Ha Ha

I always hear that life is a paradox. What I think is true now is not true later. What I think will lead me to happiness lead me instead to pain. What is to be held onto needs to be let go for peace and wisdom to arise. Life's lessons never cease to amaze me to show what the ego crafted out to be true is actually an untrue.

For example, what is expounded in the world through movies, advertisement, cartoons and soap operas is that we need to be loved by another person to live happily ever after. I loved the scene from the movie Jerry McGuire when he said "You Complete Me" when i first saw the movie. When I became a married woman, I waited for the part that someone "completes" me. Wow... I had a great journey to discover that no one, not even my husband can "complete" me. It is very easy in any relationship that when a partner realises that their partner cannot complete them, they move on to another partner but the whole cycle repeats itself. I guess when people buy into the "truth" that is taught in the movies, advertisement etc .... they will continue to look outside for completion

The true completion I believe comes from within ourselves. It is personal responsibility to look into areas of my own life that I feel a need to be "completed" and start to observe the thought and feeling patterns that lead to the conclusion. Only with understanding that I complete myself. If 2 persons in a relationship works on "completing" themselves instead of expecting another person to do it for them, I believe that is where a true partnership or a true marriage is born where each person brings themselves to their relationship and not expect to be on the receiving end all the time. This type of relationship is based on the foundation of mutual respect, honesty, independence and interdependence at the same time.

I realised even with this understanding, its very easy to fall back into old pattern of wanting to be "completed".
As the saying goes, its the journey not the destination that is important.