Its Chinese New Year in another 2 days. As a married woman now, I have followed my husband back to his hometown to celebrate CNY there. During the journey to Melaka, I could see my mind reminiscing of CNY past. I remembered spending many years from childhood till I was in my mid thirties going back to my father's hometown in Perak. There all my uncles, aunties and cousins gather to have a reunion dinner that would take up 2 big tables.There were much laughter and fun and growing up in this environment made me appreciate family very much.
As the years go by, when everyone starts to grow up, get married and grow older, the reunion dinners members start to dwindle with some away to studies, married off etc. This year only 2 uncles will be having the reunion dinner at the hometown with just one of my cousin brother and his wife. In total, i think there will be just 6 persons compared to the 20+ people in the past. Thinking of this brings sadness to my heart. In my own family, my brothers will be having a reunion dinner at home with all my nieces and nephew. I can just imagine the noise and camaraderie that is going to happen tomorrow night when mom cooks up a storm.
While pondering all this, i guess things change but i so want them to be the same eventhough i am constantly changing. Why do i want them to be the same ??? The answer i have is that I'm afraid to experience feelings that i deem unpleasant when things changes. In other words, i'm afraid my heart will break or I cannot handle the changes. Of course, i can put up a brave front and say its ok
But for today, i choose to let those feelings come and I also choose to feel them to their fullest giving me a chance to be acquainted with them instead of pushing them away or avoiding them. I will not be able to stop changes from happening but i can be present to them. I can see how the feelings change. The gift I'm giving myself this CNY is the knowing that the past is over, the future is yet to come, the present is all i have.