Monday, July 12, 2010
Fear and Its Gifts
In the first few days, as the body adjust to the change in diet, a lot of fear thoughts we on "Can i make it through the whole thing and its still so many days away" At this point the mind was very clear that an intention was already set to go through it. With clear intention, there was also clear resolute.
But as the days goes by.... the mind starts to count the days closely and thinking of ways to speed up the process etc. Just watching this was quite funny because the mind is thinking of ways to go back to a comfortable position. The mind do not like changes because it disturbs status quo.
When I passed the half way mark (in the mind there is a half way mark), there was a new type of fear thoughts emerging.... "I've come so far.... what if I fail now" . I notice there were hardly any positive thoughts at this point. To avoid thinking of the negative thoughts, many a times I deployed distraction strategies like watching television, reading, cooking, etc. All this while, there was also a tiny thought that holds the mind steady "See the day as a day. Be present". I see this thought as a wisdom because I cannot be anywhere else but where I am at that moment.
As I neared the 9th days, uncomfortable feelings start to emerge and more thought like " Oh no.... I'm going to fail". In fact, I called R about the uncomfortable hoping to hear that "Don't worry, everything will be ok", instead I hear him say that normally, people feel uncomfortable the first few days and then the rest of the days will be ok. But since my discomfort started so late, I'll have a difficult time......Whoa... that was not what I want to hear...... Strangely.... after hearing this.... there was an even greater clarity to stay in the moment and not project to the future..... the next day all the discomfort disappeared.
As I neared the last 3 days....... there were some paranoia about telling people that I was almost near completion because of fear again about failing at the last minute.....
The whole journey has been an interesting one watching the various forms of fear but I believe it all boils down to fear of losing face and having to repeat something which in turn spells failure. I have pondered that for the longest time, fear has always lead the way but it need not be so. What is the gift behind all this fear? For every fear that presents itself to me..... it is a call to see the gift it bring. What are the gifts I got ?? Its the gift of perseverence, the gift of patience, the gift of gentleness, the gift of intention and the gift support.