"Everything fell into place" so to speak when I was out with H. We were at an exhibition and made a pact to leave in an hrs time to go for another appointment. As we went round we found something that we were looking for and started to inquire more. After a while when I saw that time has run out and we are late for the next appointment, the thought started the ball rolling and mind started to get agitated as it really wish to move on. With this, the condition is now right for anger to arise and for accusations to fly if there was unconsciousness.
Because of the awareness that the conditions are already set so to speak, I walked ahead as i know it was just conditions working its and attacking H abt being tardy with time would not help matter. Because anger is running its show then, all I could do is to be aware of the show. Because of this lack of interference, the mind state could change to a calmer side quite fast with just residue of anger left.
Because there is residue and less vigilance, a new condition arised when another incident happen. In this incident, the disappointment with myself for making a decision earlier from fear of not getting something, from greed of wanting something and from not trusting myself but trusted others opinion, all this accummulated with me feeling unhappy and upset because I thought I mad a bad decision.
But when the mind saw again that a condition has arised and is doing its work, very quickly peace returned. I had to laugh because there was no wrong decision or mistake. The action taken fr the space of fear, greed and not trusting was exactly the perfect decision and no other decision could have happened. So what is left is not about correcting the situation for what's done is finished. All there is to do is to make a choice for the next moment.
With that freedom is again experienced.
Showing posts with label Observation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Observation. Show all posts
Monday, October 24, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
The Power of Wanting
Recently I was experiencing wanting something so badly that all I could think about was "how am I going to get it?" "why I cannot get it"?" "poor me in not having it yet", "how come he is denying me of what I want?", "I don't deserve not getting it" and on and on and on the thoughts went.It was pretty interesting because as I observed the train of thoughts, there was more and more anger arising and its aimed at the person who I perceived as blocking my way in getting what I wanted. On the other side of the pendulum swing, there was a feeling that I was a victim of someone's selfishness. Either way, I could see that the force of the wanting was so strong that it caused some insomnia, some acting up, some uncalled for actions and speech towards others.
The whole episode of watching was for me to see how when I buy into a certain thought pattern, in this case wanting something so much, the mind kind of go into an addictive state until there is not rationality in it. The mind seem to perceive that since others have it, so I must have it too, to fulfill the belief I have that by having that thing, I would have done something correct. ..... and as I observed further, I could see that I do not care if I really, really needed it or not, it was more that I wanted to be approved.
The force of the wanting was so big it was all consuming but with a little light of clarity, from the observing mind that were at times not contaminated with the wrong attitude, the mind could see how deluded it was.
Its like a story that LF told me a long time ago about a person spotting a nice dress while window shopping and the mind could not stop thinking about the dress and the next set of actions was to ask others opinion on buying the dress. At the same time, there is worry that the dress would be bought by others together with the guilty thoughts of spending so much money on a dress. At the end the person bought the dress.... but was it bought from the energy of love and joy ??, Nope!!! .... it was bought from the energy of fear and worry. In a way, it was a case where the person cannot stand being in the state of fear and worry. Because of the dislike to those feelings and wanting to end the suffering, the person buys the dress.
If we can do that over a material things, what more over non material things like respect, love, approval etc.
What I know from the experience is that the feeling that is felt when consumed with wanting, it not a comfortable one.
For now, I finally understand what my teacher said, " We never get what we want". We never get what we want by the fact that we want, actually, what we get its the conditioning which is cause and effect.
Because the mind has been trained in the past that by wanting something, we will get it..... it goes into that mode of wanting which is an unproductive mode.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Loss of Mindfulness
From the teacher's explanation it seem easy but when it comes to practice, its not as easy as I thought. Mindfulness can be lost at the blink of an eye. I notice in myself, I'm less mindful when I'm tired. The teacher gave a very good advice which is when we are tired, its good to be aware of what is happening within us and not to put attention on the outside world so much because this will further draw away or deplete our energy further. We can observe the irritation in the mind, the blame or unhappy thoughts, the discomforts in the body and of course watch this with a gentle attitude. Doing this will prevent a person from acting out from tiredness and it could help a person to gain clarity of mind thus making wise decision and doing wise actions.
During the trip, there was one evening that I felt really tired and I could sense that the scope of the awareness was not wide.... it would like I was in safe mode just being aware of minimal things. I also notice that the mind is rather one track. One funny incident was when I went to collect teacher's clothes to be laundered before I went out with the group for dinner, the mind was tired and after collecting the clothes, I invited the teacher to dinner without the awareness that teacher only eats 2 meals a day. When he looked surprise, I saw the mind feeling irritated as to why the teacher is not making a move. Then when the teacher said that he do not eat dinner, suddenly the mind woke up. It was rather funny to see the mind stuck in a perception and experiencing a suddenly awakening of the mind.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Fear and Its Gifts
In the first few days, as the body adjust to the change in diet, a lot of fear thoughts we on "Can i make it through the whole thing and its still so many days away" At this point the mind was very clear that an intention was already set to go through it. With clear intention, there was also clear resolute.
But as the days goes by.... the mind starts to count the days closely and thinking of ways to speed up the process etc. Just watching this was quite funny because the mind is thinking of ways to go back to a comfortable position. The mind do not like changes because it disturbs status quo.
When I passed the half way mark (in the mind there is a half way mark), there was a new type of fear thoughts emerging.... "I've come so far.... what if I fail now" . I notice there were hardly any positive thoughts at this point. To avoid thinking of the negative thoughts, many a times I deployed distraction strategies like watching television, reading, cooking, etc. All this while, there was also a tiny thought that holds the mind steady "See the day as a day. Be present". I see this thought as a wisdom because I cannot be anywhere else but where I am at that moment.
As I neared the 9th days, uncomfortable feelings start to emerge and more thought like " Oh no.... I'm going to fail". In fact, I called R about the uncomfortable hoping to hear that "Don't worry, everything will be ok", instead I hear him say that normally, people feel uncomfortable the first few days and then the rest of the days will be ok. But since my discomfort started so late, I'll have a difficult time......Whoa... that was not what I want to hear...... Strangely.... after hearing this.... there was an even greater clarity to stay in the moment and not project to the future..... the next day all the discomfort disappeared.
As I neared the last 3 days....... there were some paranoia about telling people that I was almost near completion because of fear again about failing at the last minute.....
The whole journey has been an interesting one watching the various forms of fear but I believe it all boils down to fear of losing face and having to repeat something which in turn spells failure. I have pondered that for the longest time, fear has always lead the way but it need not be so. What is the gift behind all this fear? For every fear that presents itself to me..... it is a call to see the gift it bring. What are the gifts I got ?? Its the gift of perseverence, the gift of patience, the gift of gentleness, the gift of intention and the gift support.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Getting Clearer and Clearer
I was having a frank discussion with TL recently and we were talking of how at every turn in our daily experiences the ego is there to egg us on. I was describing to him my understanding of the progress and process in gaining understanding from situations we encounter.
I described that at the beginning when I did not have much wisdom cultivate, I would react based on a default program/idea that is unconscious to me. In fact I would not have any thoughts of questioning the program but point to the outside world as the cause of any unhappiness.
When the practice of remembering to be mindful becomes more constant and consistent, I would start to observe what happens as an observer, observing the thoughts and feeling. I could still be embroiled in the drama around the situation but the stickiness to the drama will be shorter.
When mindfulness becomes a default program, the mind not only sees the thoughts and feelings but also can start to ask questions and find out the ideas that is powering the thoughts and feeling. At this point in our discussion, I told TL that when the defilement is perceived to be bigger than whatever wisdom I have at the moment.... I would normally go into a distraction strategy where I'll do other things while occasionally give attention to the thoughts and feelings until the mind has some clarity to identify the idea behind.
TL then brought up a new and interesting dimension to our discussion by asking Why is there a need to see a defilement as big or small ? He asked, "What if, when something happens and we are feeling dis-ease from it, we accept that it is happening now, we immediately face it and identify the idea behind it. Wouldn't that clear the whole situation quickly?" I agree with this idea and it seem to be what people like Byron Katie and Eckhart Tolle does. This means a person can do it when they are constantly present and mindful moment to moment.
I described that at the beginning when I did not have much wisdom cultivate, I would react based on a default program/idea that is unconscious to me. In fact I would not have any thoughts of questioning the program but point to the outside world as the cause of any unhappiness.
When the practice of remembering to be mindful becomes more constant and consistent, I would start to observe what happens as an observer, observing the thoughts and feeling. I could still be embroiled in the drama around the situation but the stickiness to the drama will be shorter.
When mindfulness becomes a default program, the mind not only sees the thoughts and feelings but also can start to ask questions and find out the ideas that is powering the thoughts and feeling. At this point in our discussion, I told TL that when the defilement is perceived to be bigger than whatever wisdom I have at the moment.... I would normally go into a distraction strategy where I'll do other things while occasionally give attention to the thoughts and feelings until the mind has some clarity to identify the idea behind.
TL then brought up a new and interesting dimension to our discussion by asking Why is there a need to see a defilement as big or small ? He asked, "What if, when something happens and we are feeling dis-ease from it, we accept that it is happening now, we immediately face it and identify the idea behind it. Wouldn't that clear the whole situation quickly?" I agree with this idea and it seem to be what people like Byron Katie and Eckhart Tolle does. This means a person can do it when they are constantly present and mindful moment to moment.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Different Second Time Around
I was listening to a recording of my meditation teacher's instructions and interviews just today to refresh my memory. While listening to it there were several "aha" moments because some of the things he said seem to ring true for me now. There was a deeper understanding of what he is saying. So i pondered. I actually heard this recording several times but each time I hear it after a lapse of some time, there is new understanding.
I told TL about it and he said.... Wisdom has grown... I joked and said its either that or I was deaf when I hear the last few times. But I know I was not deaf because I have been practicing mindfulness for some time. And in the practice if I am curious and interested in the practice continuously..... some understanding is sure to arose. I had to laugh when I came to this conclusion because later I heard this sentence in his recording of how he answered a yogis question about keeping the practice interesting.
The interest in something, be it meditation, work, play, cooking, laundry.... anything for that matter is a right attitude to have as I may experience an event that I can judge as the same as yesterday but if I put in some interest, the event will unfold something else that I missed the first time around. I was ironing clothes just now.... a weekly ritual.. I observed that as I ironed with interest and curiosity, I noticed the smell of freshly laundered clothes, the feeling of happiness to see the creases straightened, the desire to fold the clothes beautifully.... all this experience unfolded on its own and there was no anxiety to finish ironing the clothes. In fact, there was an enjoyment in the chore. A few weeks back, the experience of ironing was totally different, all I wanted to do was to beat the clock and finish the chore as soon as possible. In this experience, where there was lack of interest, a lot of unpleasant feelings and resentment was felt.
SS has wisely prompted me several times in the past when I mentioned that I was bored doing something... he would say, "Boredom only comes from lack of interest.... If you are interested in something, it will be fun" ... So a good reminder for me now is....."Show some interest and see what unfolds"
I told TL about it and he said.... Wisdom has grown... I joked and said its either that or I was deaf when I hear the last few times. But I know I was not deaf because I have been practicing mindfulness for some time. And in the practice if I am curious and interested in the practice continuously..... some understanding is sure to arose. I had to laugh when I came to this conclusion because later I heard this sentence in his recording of how he answered a yogis question about keeping the practice interesting.
The interest in something, be it meditation, work, play, cooking, laundry.... anything for that matter is a right attitude to have as I may experience an event that I can judge as the same as yesterday but if I put in some interest, the event will unfold something else that I missed the first time around. I was ironing clothes just now.... a weekly ritual.. I observed that as I ironed with interest and curiosity, I noticed the smell of freshly laundered clothes, the feeling of happiness to see the creases straightened, the desire to fold the clothes beautifully.... all this experience unfolded on its own and there was no anxiety to finish ironing the clothes. In fact, there was an enjoyment in the chore. A few weeks back, the experience of ironing was totally different, all I wanted to do was to beat the clock and finish the chore as soon as possible. In this experience, where there was lack of interest, a lot of unpleasant feelings and resentment was felt.
SS has wisely prompted me several times in the past when I mentioned that I was bored doing something... he would say, "Boredom only comes from lack of interest.... If you are interested in something, it will be fun" ... So a good reminder for me now is....."Show some interest and see what unfolds"
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Complaining and Its Effects on the "I"
Recently, I listened to a talk by Eckhart Tolle and one point that stuck to the mind is what he said about complaining. Complaining is a mechanism that the ego has built in to perpetuate itself. I did not see it like that before but after doing some observation, its interesting how that works.
I was with a loved one and the moment she woke up she started to look for things to complain like the maid is not doing this or that correctly, who should not say this or that etc. As I observed it, I could see that the person felt "injured" when things do not go the way she wanted. Of course, I know that its the ego that felt injured and diminished if it did not managed to convince others of their existence.
Though I was observing her, I was observing myself too. What is going on in me when I hear complaints. I realised that 2 things happens. If I identified with the complaint, I would go along with it and this boost my ego with a "thou is more superior" attitude or "poor me" situation. That means we have a ego party together. I noticed that having complaining party does make me feel good sometimes but its a short term feel good. In the long term it erodes my integrity and self responsibility.
However, I noticed when I hear a complaint and I keep quiet, smile and allow the person to continue, the complaining session is shortened for the person. Maybe its no longer fun to complain to someone who does not add fuel to the complain. I observed that as the other person complains, there are complaints happening in the mind at the same time.Sometimes its easy just to be the observer Sometimes, when the complaint was something that hit home so to speak... feelings of defensiveness arose....... if I was not mindful... this is usually the trigger to react but if mindful, its a time to be even more mindful.... Sometimes... its like playing Russian roulette. I notice that there is still a liking or desire to complain so its still work in progress.
I was with a loved one and the moment she woke up she started to look for things to complain like the maid is not doing this or that correctly, who should not say this or that etc. As I observed it, I could see that the person felt "injured" when things do not go the way she wanted. Of course, I know that its the ego that felt injured and diminished if it did not managed to convince others of their existence.
Though I was observing her, I was observing myself too. What is going on in me when I hear complaints. I realised that 2 things happens. If I identified with the complaint, I would go along with it and this boost my ego with a "thou is more superior" attitude or "poor me" situation. That means we have a ego party together. I noticed that having complaining party does make me feel good sometimes but its a short term feel good. In the long term it erodes my integrity and self responsibility.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Treasuring Those Around Us
Last Sunday SS & myself hosted a steamboat dinner at our house with many people contributing food, fruits, desserts, cake etc to make it a feast. All those who came were people who are actively helping at CnC and the dinner was an opportunity to get together and to celebrate TL and YF's birthday too.
As I look at the band of friends I have in this group of people, I honestly must say, I would not have the opportunity to meet them if not for CnC. I made a joke about what binds us together is our recognition of suffering. TL added that its also the desire for wisdom. So true. I reflected that people band together for so many reasons from food, sports, fashion, disease, addiction etc. I think is pretty unique for people to band together to journey to freedom.
For that, I am thankful to have all of them as walking mates though they cannot walk in my shoes but they can walk beside of me, in front of me, behind of me or all over me : ).
Recently, I also have a friend whose mother died from a stroke. I realise we will never know how long a parent, partner, sibling, spiritual friends, colleagues etc will be with us because the moment they are gone, they are gone from the face of the earth but they will live in the hearts and minds of those who remember them.So, what is the point of keeping grudges, right ??. So, let us treasure those around us for they come into our space to teach us something whether we like it or not.
As I look at the band of friends I have in this group of people, I honestly must say, I would not have the opportunity to meet them if not for CnC. I made a joke about what binds us together is our recognition of suffering. TL added that its also the desire for wisdom. So true. I reflected that people band together for so many reasons from food, sports, fashion, disease, addiction etc. I think is pretty unique for people to band together to journey to freedom.
For that, I am thankful to have all of them as walking mates though they cannot walk in my shoes but they can walk beside of me, in front of me, behind of me or all over me : ).
Recently, I also have a friend whose mother died from a stroke. I realise we will never know how long a parent, partner, sibling, spiritual friends, colleagues etc will be with us because the moment they are gone, they are gone from the face of the earth but they will live in the hearts and minds of those who remember them.So, what is the point of keeping grudges, right ??. So, let us treasure those around us for they come into our space to teach us something whether we like it or not.
Monday, May 10, 2010
I The Control Freak
Every human being wants to be loved and respected. Is this true ? It seems to be because in the seeking of love and respect,we do many things; some of them sneaky, weird, hilarious, dangerous and some bordering on insanity.
I was observing how the mind reacted to just a simple SMS from a friend to remind me something. And the first thing that popped into mind was "Someone is trying to control me", "I'm not respected", "You are so smart, do it yourself". With these, comes many unpleasant feelings. And the actions that were recommended by such a mind was," Don't bother to answer", "Say NO". Anyway the recommended actions were all from spite. A friend told me, let just look at what needs to be done and do it, no need to get embroiled in the feelings. But the feelings are strong and its definately felt.
I know for sure, pushing it away is not the answer. Just to apply some Non Violent communication technique on dealing with strong emotions, I actually verbalise out all the feelings, saying it out loud so that I can hear them. Just by doing this, I noticed that something interesting happened.... the next experience that popped up was no longer anger but a sad feeling of confusion.
Just being with this new experience allowed me to see that actually, the resentment arose is because I Wanted to be In Control of the situation and do things MY WAY but in actuality, I don't know what to do and there are things that are not in my control.
I started to laugh because in wanting to feel good and safe, I want to make sure I do everything right but I don't know what is Right but the other person seem to know......... I actually stress myself up and not seeing others good intentions.
I realised most of the time for me new experiences are hardly welcome with open arms, joy and curiosity though in the head I know otherwise. So before I can call another person a control freak, I think i need to see the control freak in me.
I was observing how the mind reacted to just a simple SMS from a friend to remind me something. And the first thing that popped into mind was "Someone is trying to control me", "I'm not respected", "You are so smart, do it yourself". With these, comes many unpleasant feelings. And the actions that were recommended by such a mind was," Don't bother to answer", "Say NO". Anyway the recommended actions were all from spite. A friend told me, let just look at what needs to be done and do it, no need to get embroiled in the feelings. But the feelings are strong and its definately felt.
I know for sure, pushing it away is not the answer. Just to apply some Non Violent communication technique on dealing with strong emotions, I actually verbalise out all the feelings, saying it out loud so that I can hear them. Just by doing this, I noticed that something interesting happened.... the next experience that popped up was no longer anger but a sad feeling of confusion.
Just being with this new experience allowed me to see that actually, the resentment arose is because I Wanted to be In Control of the situation and do things MY WAY but in actuality, I don't know what to do and there are things that are not in my control.
I started to laugh because in wanting to feel good and safe, I want to make sure I do everything right but I don't know what is Right but the other person seem to know......... I actually stress myself up and not seeing others good intentions.
I realised most of the time for me new experiences are hardly welcome with open arms, joy and curiosity though in the head I know otherwise. So before I can call another person a control freak, I think i need to see the control freak in me.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Disentangling from Ourselves
Today I went to give a talk at the retreat that is organised by CnC. I agreed to do the talk earlier but I had no idea what I'll be saying though the title was given. I've given this talk several times and as i knew the participants of the talk were mostly people who had heard what I had said before, I pondered what can I do differently.
I did not give much thought to planning the talk and I was observing that there were no tension within me. Normally, I would be feeling tense and concern trying to think of something to say, way before the event because I think its the right thing to do and also I want to be liked and approved by others. For this time, When the thought came that I should be thinking what to do about the talk, I allow the thought to come and did put in some thinking time but no answer came. All that came to me was to bring 2 balls of string. So I went out on friday and bought 2 balls of string.
I just knew that the talk has to be at the level of coming from within the participants instead of coming from me. I'm only the spark that will trigger them to search for the answer within. As Byron Katie said in her book A Thousand Name For Joy, "If I had a responsibility, it would be to help you realize your own truth. You See it, You Say It, it comes from within you, and I am the witness. My finger points you back to you"
I read this passage on Saturday when I flipped open the book and thought this was very beautiful and the message given to me was really clear.
So, I went to the retreat place with a relaxed and happy heart. The activity I planned with the ball of string went the way it was suppose to go and the participants each gave their own reflection based on their own insights. I saw that their insights were more deep for them than what I could possibility tell them because it was coming from within them.
My role was to just remind them that the journey to keeping the practice of mindfulness going strong was just to be gentle, inquisitive and persevere. I think the best type of learning is when the people say "Wow.... we did it, all by ourselves". With that I'm starting my journey of being invisible.
I did not give much thought to planning the talk and I was observing that there were no tension within me. Normally, I would be feeling tense and concern trying to think of something to say, way before the event because I think its the right thing to do and also I want to be liked and approved by others. For this time, When the thought came that I should be thinking what to do about the talk, I allow the thought to come and did put in some thinking time but no answer came. All that came to me was to bring 2 balls of string. So I went out on friday and bought 2 balls of string.
I just knew that the talk has to be at the level of coming from within the participants instead of coming from me. I'm only the spark that will trigger them to search for the answer within. As Byron Katie said in her book A Thousand Name For Joy, "If I had a responsibility, it would be to help you realize your own truth. You See it, You Say It, it comes from within you, and I am the witness. My finger points you back to you"
I read this passage on Saturday when I flipped open the book and thought this was very beautiful and the message given to me was really clear.
So, I went to the retreat place with a relaxed and happy heart. The activity I planned with the ball of string went the way it was suppose to go and the participants each gave their own reflection based on their own insights. I saw that their insights were more deep for them than what I could possibility tell them because it was coming from within them.
Monday, April 19, 2010
The Here and Now
Yesterday SS and myself was invited to dinner by his cousin. So we all met at Rebung, which is a quaint Malay restaurant near Bangsar. At the dinner were SS's cousins. It was the first time I had dinner with them and to SS it was also a first for him as his cousins hardly meet over meals.
During the meal, we talked about everything under the sun from recent happenings, doing charity work, meditation practice, politics, etc. As I was observing, I was the only one in the group that had only known them for a short while. When they started to talk about how their grandfathers were connected and several versions of the story came about. The best thing is that their memories were stories that they heard from their parents.
I realise that as I listened to them I also now have in my memory bank the stories they have. Now the strange thing is that there was no door at my ears that I could close and say that this bit of information I don't want or open the ear when i want to hear something. So in other words, all our senses do not have doors and they act as a gateway for data to flow in. Once a data enters the senses, the mind very quickly start to make a judgement i.e liking or disliking, holding on or resisting. From here we start to create a reality that defines us as who we are and how we are in this reality.
Another examples is taste, we tried 3 types of dessert , Pengat pisang, bubur kacang hijau and pengat durian.
I noticed that everyone started to categorise the 3 desserts into the most delicious to least delicious. So with this, if we ever goes to the restaurant again, automatically we would go straight to the most delicious one. In one hand, it saves time but in the other hand, we had just cornered ourselves and gave ourselves less choices.
So if I was to observe myself, I would always prefer something over other things or someone and until I'm aware that I'm doing that, I will be constantly putting myself in a box, defining my reality from the my past conditioning. As TL said, the way out of our conditioning, is to be mindful of it. So being mindful is not an exception now its becoming the rule if I want to get out of the box.
During the meal, we talked about everything under the sun from recent happenings, doing charity work, meditation practice, politics, etc. As I was observing, I was the only one in the group that had only known them for a short while. When they started to talk about how their grandfathers were connected and several versions of the story came about. The best thing is that their memories were stories that they heard from their parents.
I realise that as I listened to them I also now have in my memory bank the stories they have. Now the strange thing is that there was no door at my ears that I could close and say that this bit of information I don't want or open the ear when i want to hear something. So in other words, all our senses do not have doors and they act as a gateway for data to flow in. Once a data enters the senses, the mind very quickly start to make a judgement i.e liking or disliking, holding on or resisting. From here we start to create a reality that defines us as who we are and how we are in this reality.
Another examples is taste, we tried 3 types of dessert , Pengat pisang, bubur kacang hijau and pengat durian.
I noticed that everyone started to categorise the 3 desserts into the most delicious to least delicious. So with this, if we ever goes to the restaurant again, automatically we would go straight to the most delicious one. In one hand, it saves time but in the other hand, we had just cornered ourselves and gave ourselves less choices.
So if I was to observe myself, I would always prefer something over other things or someone and until I'm aware that I'm doing that, I will be constantly putting myself in a box, defining my reality from the my past conditioning. As TL said, the way out of our conditioning, is to be mindful of it. So being mindful is not an exception now its becoming the rule if I want to get out of the box.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Who is Hurting Me More ?
I was having a conversation with SS while we were going downtown yesterday as we are both reading Byron Katie's book and both of us were very intrigued by the clarity that is presented in her books.
I especially like what she said that "when we argue with reality, we lose 100% of the time". I was observing a family member relating to me how someone has wronged her and throughout the conversation, this person was telling me the act that she deemed wrong and unfair to her in great detail. As I was listening, I realised that the incident happened a few days ago but the anger that was displayed seems like that it had just happened.
As i see this happening, I could not help but reflect how I do the same thing. Whenever I experience an unpleasant incident, I'll tell a friend about the incident not leaving out any details and I am hoping that my friend will be on my side and agree that I was a victim. When she agrees, i feel good as it confirms that I'm a victim and should be pitied. I could relate the incident to a few more persons to gather more evidence against the other person. I realized that when i relate the incident again and again to different people, I feel wronged again and again. This sort of nailed the nail to the coffin because I had convinced myself I am a victim and the other person is a monster.
But the funny thing is that the person had only said something nasty to me ONE time but I said the nasty thing to myself numerous times.... so who is the monster here ?? I realised that I was actually doing a disservice to myself because I'm holding on to the event and continue to give life to it. In other words, the other person is free while I've put myself in bondage.....what a silly thing to do. I'm hurting myself more than anyone ever could.
And I think because of this, the ego is maintained and nourished. I've given my freedom away because I choose to be Right rather than be Free. Its so easy to forget what we really want and to succumb to our old habits.
I was telling SS that if we want an apple tree but we keep on planting mango trees, when would the apple come?. Never in a million years. So the same is the mind, if I was to cultivate anger each day, the first thing that will come up when an incident occurs is anger because I've not bothered to cultivate peace and calm though this is what I really wanted.
So, being ever vigilant about what I'm cultivating is getting to be more urgent if its peace I want and to stop the self hurting situation I unconsciously put myself into.
I especially like what she said that "when we argue with reality, we lose 100% of the time". I was observing a family member relating to me how someone has wronged her and throughout the conversation, this person was telling me the act that she deemed wrong and unfair to her in great detail. As I was listening, I realised that the incident happened a few days ago but the anger that was displayed seems like that it had just happened.
As i see this happening, I could not help but reflect how I do the same thing. Whenever I experience an unpleasant incident, I'll tell a friend about the incident not leaving out any details and I am hoping that my friend will be on my side and agree that I was a victim. When she agrees, i feel good as it confirms that I'm a victim and should be pitied. I could relate the incident to a few more persons to gather more evidence against the other person. I realized that when i relate the incident again and again to different people, I feel wronged again and again. This sort of nailed the nail to the coffin because I had convinced myself I am a victim and the other person is a monster.
But the funny thing is that the person had only said something nasty to me ONE time but I said the nasty thing to myself numerous times.... so who is the monster here ?? I realised that I was actually doing a disservice to myself because I'm holding on to the event and continue to give life to it. In other words, the other person is free while I've put myself in bondage.....what a silly thing to do. I'm hurting myself more than anyone ever could.
And I think because of this, the ego is maintained and nourished. I've given my freedom away because I choose to be Right rather than be Free. Its so easy to forget what we really want and to succumb to our old habits.
I was telling SS that if we want an apple tree but we keep on planting mango trees, when would the apple come?. Never in a million years. So the same is the mind, if I was to cultivate anger each day, the first thing that will come up when an incident occurs is anger because I've not bothered to cultivate peace and calm though this is what I really wanted.
So, being ever vigilant about what I'm cultivating is getting to be more urgent if its peace I want and to stop the self hurting situation I unconsciously put myself into.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Victim begets Victims...
Recently, I received a call from a friend who asked me to do something urgent. The tone of voice plus the way the request was made gave me the impression that the person was portraying helpless and I would have to fulfill the request no matter what. In an instance, I observe anger had arisen and also my tone of voice had become unfriendly. All this happened in less than 2 minutes of conversation and of course the thoughts that arose were of persecution and illwill towards the person and also the request.
Feeling uncomfortable is normally the signal for me to pay attention and be aware of what's going on beyond the story and the drama that is unfolding with regards to the situation. Actually.... I felt like I was victimized!!! I came to the realization that when someone plays the role of a victim in hope of getting help or getting their way or to portray their helplessness, they are actually victimizing others too. Because the automatic reaction of others is to feel that they have to help or else they will experience a lot of guilt for rejecting someone who is helpless. So when the person "helps" it is coming from a space of anger or resignation and not from the space of joy and willingness.
This would result in the giving being insincere and the receiving being unfulfilling. Thus, the whole process of request and fulfilment of the request would be tainted.
I remember reading the book Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. He mentioned that when we make a request of a person, we must be prepared to hear a "NO" answer. But how many times we have an expectation that when we make a request with the magic word "Please" in it, others must fulfill our request. When a request is heard as a Demand, the other person only sees 2 option, submit or rebel.
So a good request is one that is specific, expressing our feelings and needs, it must be do-able by the person and the person has an option to say "No" .
Feeling uncomfortable is normally the signal for me to pay attention and be aware of what's going on beyond the story and the drama that is unfolding with regards to the situation. Actually.... I felt like I was victimized!!! I came to the realization that when someone plays the role of a victim in hope of getting help or getting their way or to portray their helplessness, they are actually victimizing others too. Because the automatic reaction of others is to feel that they have to help or else they will experience a lot of guilt for rejecting someone who is helpless. So when the person "helps" it is coming from a space of anger or resignation and not from the space of joy and willingness.
This would result in the giving being insincere and the receiving being unfulfilling. Thus, the whole process of request and fulfilment of the request would be tainted.
I remember reading the book Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. He mentioned that when we make a request of a person, we must be prepared to hear a "NO" answer. But how many times we have an expectation that when we make a request with the magic word "Please" in it, others must fulfill our request. When a request is heard as a Demand, the other person only sees 2 option, submit or rebel.
So a good request is one that is specific, expressing our feelings and needs, it must be do-able by the person and the person has an option to say "No" .
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Learning from Trees
I was at my mother in law's place over the CNY. Had the luxury of waking up late and the weather in the morning was so lovely. Cool winds was blowing every morning. On two mornings, i woke up early and decided to step into the garden area to do some Chi gong. The wind on my face and time to myself..... what more can i ask for..
I was observing the trees moving with the wind and remembered what the trees were like the day before when the air was still and the trees did not move. As I observe the trees, I pondered that:-
a. Trees accepts where they are at --- I have not seen a tree running away from its spot . Ha ha. So trees accepts whatever weather that they face... ah.. so not like me... too hot or too cold cannot tahan !!!
When the wind blows, the trees just follow the direction of the tree without judgement..... this to me is like being open to whatever without resisting or holding on..... again I've not seen a tree that put up a fist fight with the wind.. ha ha ..
b. Tree are equanimous in that they do not make such a fanfare when they grow a new branch or fruit.....not do they laments when someone chops off or trims their branches..... I have not seen a tree do the jiggle nor cry .... : D. In fact, they experience all this just as it is ..... so not like me who wish to let people know when i succeed at something and try not to let people know when i fail. Loose face mah !!
c. Trees accept their size and shape as it is ...... I was seeing that trees comes in various sizes and shapes and I've not seen the trees going for Cosmetic Surgery : D ......So not like me who wish for a flatter tummy, nicer skin etc ... Even if the tree bark looks terrible (this is my interpretation only because others may see it as beautiful) with scratch marks or damaged bark, i do not see it hiding behind another tree or trying to cover the damaged part.
So much learning from trees that I felt really humbled by what they are teaching me just by being themselves. Accepting what is as is !!
I was observing the trees moving with the wind and remembered what the trees were like the day before when the air was still and the trees did not move. As I observe the trees, I pondered that:-
a. Trees accepts where they are at --- I have not seen a tree running away from its spot . Ha ha. So trees accepts whatever weather that they face... ah.. so not like me... too hot or too cold cannot tahan !!!
When the wind blows, the trees just follow the direction of the tree without judgement..... this to me is like being open to whatever without resisting or holding on..... again I've not seen a tree that put up a fist fight with the wind.. ha ha ..
b. Tree are equanimous in that they do not make such a fanfare when they grow a new branch or fruit.....not do they laments when someone chops off or trims their branches..... I have not seen a tree do the jiggle nor cry .... : D. In fact, they experience all this just as it is ..... so not like me who wish to let people know when i succeed at something and try not to let people know when i fail. Loose face mah !!
c. Trees accept their size and shape as it is ...... I was seeing that trees comes in various sizes and shapes and I've not seen the trees going for Cosmetic Surgery : D ......So not like me who wish for a flatter tummy, nicer skin etc ... Even if the tree bark looks terrible (this is my interpretation only because others may see it as beautiful) with scratch marks or damaged bark, i do not see it hiding behind another tree or trying to cover the damaged part.
So much learning from trees that I felt really humbled by what they are teaching me just by being themselves. Accepting what is as is !!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Ignorance is bliss ??
I have always heard the saying like "Ignorance is Bliss", " Don't know, don't care", "What you don't know won't hurt you" and wondered how far all these statements are true.
I reflected that over the last few months, I went to Terry for some Dorn Therapy for my recurring shoulder pain. From this therapy, he highlighted to me that the way i stand was not correct resulting in a concave type of posture that stresses the shoulders, neck and also head. After I gained this information, I'm constantly mindful of how my body still tends to go back to the old way of standing and sitting. With mindfulness, I correct my posture constantly and also check the way i sit and stand. I still need to work on it but am happy to notice that the shoulder pain has not occured for a few months and my shoulders no longer concave. So if ignorance is bliss, then i would have treated all the pain and discomfort by taking pain killers and thinks that its the only way.
Recently, i also notice my breathing patterns more and started to notice how i tend to breath shallowly when I'm in a "kan cheong" mode. With this too, I'm more aware of how to put the body in a more relaxed mode.
My meditation teacher has also highlighted to me in the recent retreat of the need not only be aware of what is happening in the body and mind but also to use intellingence to identify the idea that is behind certain action and thought patterns. With this, I'm less likely to push things that i do not like away or ignore it. Because ignoring and pushing unpleasant things away, just means I'm giving energy to it. Now if ignorance is bliss, I would not only be at the mercy of my thoughts and feelings but also blame the outside world for all my unhappiness .Then the idea that I'm a helpless victim would have been nailed into my belief system.
So.....as Lai fun shared with me.... ignorance gives short term gain but long term loss. Mindfulness gives long term gain.
I reflected that over the last few months, I went to Terry for some Dorn Therapy for my recurring shoulder pain. From this therapy, he highlighted to me that the way i stand was not correct resulting in a concave type of posture that stresses the shoulders, neck and also head. After I gained this information, I'm constantly mindful of how my body still tends to go back to the old way of standing and sitting. With mindfulness, I correct my posture constantly and also check the way i sit and stand. I still need to work on it but am happy to notice that the shoulder pain has not occured for a few months and my shoulders no longer concave. So if ignorance is bliss, then i would have treated all the pain and discomfort by taking pain killers and thinks that its the only way.
Recently, i also notice my breathing patterns more and started to notice how i tend to breath shallowly when I'm in a "kan cheong" mode. With this too, I'm more aware of how to put the body in a more relaxed mode.
My meditation teacher has also highlighted to me in the recent retreat of the need not only be aware of what is happening in the body and mind but also to use intellingence to identify the idea that is behind certain action and thought patterns. With this, I'm less likely to push things that i do not like away or ignore it. Because ignoring and pushing unpleasant things away, just means I'm giving energy to it. Now if ignorance is bliss, I would not only be at the mercy of my thoughts and feelings but also blame the outside world for all my unhappiness .Then the idea that I'm a helpless victim would have been nailed into my belief system.
So.....as Lai fun shared with me.... ignorance gives short term gain but long term loss. Mindfulness gives long term gain.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Chinese New Year Preparation
Chinese New Year is just around the corner and personally have been busy helping my mom make some preparation like buying stuff, decorating the house, changing new notes, getting her to the hair saloon for hair perming. In the midst of helping mom, i also had to get things done on my side to prepare gifts and stuff. During the whirlwind.... I so often check the state of the mind that I have when I go around.
Sometimes the mental state is rushed and stressed out. When this happens, i also notice that my breathing becomes very shallow. This in turn creates more stress and worry. In a very curious way, i was seeing how when i breath shallowly, i create more suffering. How did i come to be mindful of this ?? This I have to thank Sifu Hoh who i met over last weekend Dynamic retreat that i organised. Being a Chi Gong master, he observed that i do not have much "chi" resulting in me feeling fatigue very easily. His reminder of how shallow breathing is a norm for people who are rushing and this becomes a habit that we repeat when we sleep. No wonder I wake up feeling tired.
So with this new information, I start to observe the way i breath and whenever i catch myself breathing shallowly, i mindfully take a deep breath and breath out slowly through the mouth.
True enough, as i catch myself breathing shallowly and i take deep breaths, i do not experience so much tiredness throughout the day.
Sometimes the mental state is rushed and stressed out. When this happens, i also notice that my breathing becomes very shallow. This in turn creates more stress and worry. In a very curious way, i was seeing how when i breath shallowly, i create more suffering. How did i come to be mindful of this ?? This I have to thank Sifu Hoh who i met over last weekend Dynamic retreat that i organised. Being a Chi Gong master, he observed that i do not have much "chi" resulting in me feeling fatigue very easily. His reminder of how shallow breathing is a norm for people who are rushing and this becomes a habit that we repeat when we sleep. No wonder I wake up feeling tired.
So with this new information, I start to observe the way i breath and whenever i catch myself breathing shallowly, i mindfully take a deep breath and breath out slowly through the mouth.
True enough, as i catch myself breathing shallowly and i take deep breaths, i do not experience so much tiredness throughout the day.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Gain or Loss
I was at Tesco with my mom and happened to check out the money changer and realised that i've bought some foreign currency at a higher rate last week. The next thing i know is i had thoughts of self punishment like why did i not wait till this week to buy and felt guilty because I told my husband that we should buy last week as the trend was the rate was going up. With guilt and and self punishment being predominant, I could feel a sense of anger. I then reflected that my life had been lived from the fact if i felt that I've gained, then I'm happy and if I viewed I've lost (money, views etc), then I have unpleasant feelings. When the moment i felt that I've lost, i felt like a victim. But a victim of what ?? I was the one who made the decision. So did i victimize myself ???. I also observed that in that moment, i never call up to mind the times that I've gained and there are a lot of times. At that moment, nothing came up to mind. What a joke !!
I also observed that if i viewed I've lost, then someone had gained. So in this case I am not good enough because I've lost to someone else..... see how the mind tricks me!!!
I remembered in the Buddha's teachings that we are always influenced by the gain and loss, fame and defame, happiness and sadness etc. This dual conditions pulls me like a puppet on strings. Then my life is always about getting the upperhand but as we know what goes up must come down.
The avoidance of the pain or the down side has made me tread the world safely hoping not to experience the downside too much.
I realised if i live my life like this, I'm not living at all. So the idea is of course to accept things as they are. Even with this idea, acceptance is not simple. Because i may be able to accept at this moment and what happens in the next moment ? This question has been mulling around the mind for quite some time and one day maybe a spark of wisdom will throw some light into it!
I also observed that if i viewed I've lost, then someone had gained. So in this case I am not good enough because I've lost to someone else..... see how the mind tricks me!!!
I remembered in the Buddha's teachings that we are always influenced by the gain and loss, fame and defame, happiness and sadness etc. This dual conditions pulls me like a puppet on strings. Then my life is always about getting the upperhand but as we know what goes up must come down.
The avoidance of the pain or the down side has made me tread the world safely hoping not to experience the downside too much.
I realised if i live my life like this, I'm not living at all. So the idea is of course to accept things as they are. Even with this idea, acceptance is not simple. Because i may be able to accept at this moment and what happens in the next moment ? This question has been mulling around the mind for quite some time and one day maybe a spark of wisdom will throw some light into it!
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