I have been told many times by my teacher that anger is just nature, its not mine per se. In my mind...I questioned what my teacher said because whenever there is anger, i felt it personally, in fact i took it personally.
Today due to some fear about a condition in the body, I could see that the mind was not happy and wanted things (in this case, the body) to be well. From here anger started to creep up and before I know it, full blown anger and everything is just seen as not right. When i see the anger as my anger..... I sense so much constriction, restriction and total preoccupation with it. In other words, the mind was on fire !
When i was reading about non violent communication... it was said that anger is just the first layer. Behind anger is just a need that is not met. The need may be respect, love, appreciation etc. When our needs are not met, anger is the result. But how many of us took the time to investigate the need... we are too busy dancing with the anger.
This anger has been with me for many years and I had lovingly nurture it since young. At the beginning, anger got me what I wanted and I also learnt from a score of people from childhood to adulthood, that anger bears results. Whenever, I get angry I get what I wanted either from myself or others. If I'm angry and frustrated, i give myself ice cream to pacify myself and feel good. If there were others involved, I make it known in terms of speech and action about my displeasure and anger. In another word, inevitably .... someone must pay....
Today I saw that when I want to make someone pay... I'm paying too. So for today I choose to keep quiet and just be withe the anger when I'm cutting vegetables, chopping garlic, cooking soup, cooking rice, doing laundry, sending out email etc. I could see that ever so often the mind has thoughts of expressing it so that i can release it to another person and trigger their pain body. I know from experience, if another person's pain body is triggered, this would make my own painbody feel better. I choose not to do that today but I think the energy of it can be felt though I kept quiet.
For today whenever I felt and observe the anger getting stronger, i checked my attitude.. am i watching anger with anger ??? With just this, it goes back to simmering mode.....The constant question that I asked myself is "Where is the mind now? How is the observing mind now ?. Just by this practice of constant awareness.... i start to experience that the anger will do its work but I will do my work of staying present and mindful. I experience several times, that I am not this anger, its nature. When I'm in this space, I feel like I'm doing the graceful waltz. Other times, I experience, this anger is mine....and here I feel like I'm doing the intensely passionate Tango. I believe when I can one day fully see that anger is just nature.... I will no longer be in the dance for the music would stop.