Uncontrollable Hearing

I was having breakfast with mom today at a coffee shop and fortunately or unfortunately we were sitting next to a table of 3 taxi drivers having their teatime. I could not help it but to hear their conversation which was abt SEX and their encounters with women in the flesh trade. I was watching the mind n was aware of a mix of emotions like awe, tickled and shocked that saw the judgement that people was not suppose discuss such stuff in a public place.

So at a point the mind was relating go it with dislike. Once I saw that, I posed a question to the mind, " is it necessary?" and the attitude immediately changed.
The interesting realization is that I cannot control the sound that comes and it's just my perception that makes it unpleasant. Hearing is just hearing n peace returns.

My mom made a remark that we should not have sat near then and the taxi drives are disgusting people. I reflected on that and you know what, they are just being their own nature and they did not ask our opinion on their conduct. So who is disturbing who ? The answer? It's just the mind doing what it does.

In the end of the day it's just nature happening .

Shining Light on Suffering

For quite sometime I have been observing the repetitiveness of life where a person has to wake up, eat, work, sleep, pass motion etc. I remember commenting to SS that what would it be like if we do not have to eat? I think a lot of the world's problems will be solved. I could see that in a way all that we do daily is in the service of sustaining this body of ours. I felt trap in this cycle thinking of the meaningless of all this. I know that I can enjoy good food and different type of food but the crux is still that the eating has to happen to sustain this body or else it will die.

At the same time, there is a constant living in a state of stress where we are upset when we don't get what we want or when we are in pain or the constant wanting of thing to be the way we want it to be. Basically, every uncertainty triggers a barrage of feelings and fear. 

In a way, life feels like a prison but I have learnt to decorate my prison to make it look less like a prison by buying stuff, by eating different type of food, by going on holidays, by playing safe etc. But whatever I am doing or wherever I am, I still have to eat, sleep, pass motion and feel
.
Recently learnt that there are Dukkha of Feeling, Doing and Being. Strangely, when I see life as meaningless, I am reacting in anger. If I keep looking for something new in my life, I'm actually operating from Greed. And if I view that life is actually like this, its good and no need to change then I am deluded. So, in a way, I'm constantly in Dukkha. Is there a way out ? If there is, I have not found it yet because I'm still embroiled in the feelings and the drama of life.

From a sharing by TL & LF,  there is a way out and its through Wisdom. So, now there is an urgency for me to continuously be aware, to step back from what is happening, to collect data so to speak until wisdom is able to see the futility of the cycle and see the way out.  Its like the situation where we would not hold on to a hot potato once we know its hot, we would drop it. If we are ignorant, we will hold on to the hot potato though its burning our hands but with wisdom, we would drop the hot potato because its not beneficial for our life. I look forward to dropping the hot potato :)

Mindful .... Really ?

I was so sure I was mindful
Am I or am I not ?
How can I say I'm mindful
when experience is where I'm at
I've missed the mark totally

Ignorance or Wisdom ?
Which is powering my live now?
Such a thin line to differentiate both
But differentiated it must be
For from wisdom comes clarity
From ignorance comes more ignorance

Step back.. step back
All that is needed is to step back to see
Nature is Nature
When I argue with it I lose
When I see it as it is then
wisdom has done its job
Is it "I" who did the job ?
If I believe "I" did the job
Woe begone Ignorance has paid a visit

Stepping back is actually stepping forward
How can that be ?
Truly it is
Isn't life a paradox ?

The Power of Wanting

Recently I was experiencing wanting something so badly that all I could think about was "how am I going to get it?" "why I cannot get it"?" "poor me in not having it yet", "how come he is denying me of what I want?", "I don't deserve not getting it" and on and on and on the thoughts went.

It was pretty interesting because as I observed the train of thoughts, there was more and more anger arising and its aimed at the person who I perceived as blocking my way in getting what I wanted. On the other side of the pendulum swing, there was a feeling that I was a victim of someone's selfishness. Either way, I could see that the force of the wanting was so strong that it caused some insomnia, some acting up, some uncalled for actions and speech towards others.

The whole episode of watching was for me to see how when I buy into a certain thought pattern, in this case wanting something so much, the mind kind of go into an addictive state until there is not rationality in it. The mind seem to perceive that since others have it, so I must have it too, to fulfill the belief I have that by having that thing, I would have done something correct. ..... and as I observed further, I could see that I do not care if I really, really needed it or not, it was more that I wanted to be approved.

The force of the wanting was so big it was all consuming but with a little light of clarity, from the observing mind that were at times not contaminated with the wrong attitude, the mind could see how deluded it was.

Its like a story that LF told me a long time ago about a person spotting a nice dress while window shopping and the mind could not stop thinking about the dress and the next set of actions was to ask others opinion on buying the dress. At the same time, there is worry that the dress would be bought by others together with the guilty thoughts of spending so much money on a dress. At the end the person bought the dress.... but was it bought from the energy of love and joy ??, Nope!!! .... it was bought from the energy of fear and worry. In a way, it was a case where the person cannot stand being in the state of fear and worry. Because of the dislike to those feelings and wanting to end the suffering, the person buys the dress.

If we can do that over a material things, what more over non material things like respect, love, approval etc.
What I know from the experience is that the feeling that is felt when consumed with wanting, it not a comfortable one.
 
For now, I finally understand what my teacher said, " We never get what we want". We never get what we want by the fact that we want, actually, what we get its the conditioning which is cause and effect.
Because the mind has been trained in the past that by wanting something, we will get it..... it goes into that mode of wanting which is an unproductive mode.