Recently I was experiencing wanting something so badly that all I could think about was "how am I going to get it?" "why I cannot get it"?" "poor me in not having it yet", "how come he is denying me of what I want?", "I don't deserve not getting it" and on and on and on the thoughts went.
It was pretty interesting because as I observed the train of thoughts, there was more and more anger arising and its aimed at the person who I perceived as blocking my way in getting what I wanted. On the other side of the pendulum swing, there was a feeling that I was a victim of someone's selfishness. Either way, I could see that the force of the wanting was so strong that it caused some insomnia, some acting up, some uncalled for actions and speech towards others.
The whole episode of watching was for me to see how when I buy into a certain thought pattern, in this case wanting something so much, the mind kind of go into an addictive state until there is not rationality in it. The mind seem to perceive that since others have it, so I must have it too, to fulfill the belief I have that by having that thing, I would have done something correct. ..... and as I observed further, I could see that I do not care if I really, really needed it or not, it was more that I wanted to be approved.
The force of the wanting was so big it was all consuming but with a little light of clarity, from the observing mind that were at times not contaminated with the wrong attitude, the mind could see how deluded it was.
Its like a story that LF told me a long time ago about a person spotting a nice dress while window shopping and the mind could not stop thinking about the dress and the next set of actions was to ask others opinion on buying the dress. At the same time, there is worry that the dress would be bought by others together with the guilty thoughts of spending so much money on a dress. At the end the person bought the dress.... but was it bought from the energy of love and joy ??, Nope!!! .... it was bought from the energy of fear and worry. In a way, it was a case where the person cannot stand being in the state of fear and worry. Because of the dislike to those feelings and wanting to end the suffering, the person buys the dress.
If we can do that over a material things, what more over non material things like respect, love, approval etc.
What I know from the experience is that the feeling that is felt when consumed with wanting, it not a comfortable one.
For now, I finally understand what my teacher said, " We never get what we want". We never get what we want by the fact that we want, actually, what we get its the conditioning which is cause and effect.
Because the mind has been trained in the past that by wanting something, we will get it..... it goes into that mode of wanting which is an unproductive mode.