I was at Tesco with my mom and happened to check out the money changer and realised that i've bought some foreign currency at a higher rate last week. The next thing i know is i had thoughts of self punishment like why did i not wait till this week to buy and felt guilty because I told my husband that we should buy last week as the trend was the rate was going up. With guilt and and self punishment being predominant, I could feel a sense of anger. I then reflected that my life had been lived from the fact if i felt that I've gained, then I'm happy and if I viewed I've lost (money, views etc), then I have unpleasant feelings. When the moment i felt that I've lost, i felt like a victim. But a victim of what ?? I was the one who made the decision. So did i victimize myself ???. I also observed that in that moment, i never call up to mind the times that I've gained and there are a lot of times. At that moment, nothing came up to mind. What a joke !!
I also observed that if i viewed I've lost, then someone had gained. So in this case I am not good enough because I've lost to someone else..... see how the mind tricks me!!!
I remembered in the Buddha's teachings that we are always influenced by the gain and loss, fame and defame, happiness and sadness etc. This dual conditions pulls me like a puppet on strings. Then my life is always about getting the upperhand but as we know what goes up must come down.
The avoidance of the pain or the down side has made me tread the world safely hoping not to experience the downside too much.
I realised if i live my life like this, I'm not living at all. So the idea is of course to accept things as they are. Even with this idea, acceptance is not simple. Because i may be able to accept at this moment and what happens in the next moment ? This question has been mulling around the mind for quite some time and one day maybe a spark of wisdom will throw some light into it!