Who is Hurting Me More ?

I was having a conversation with SS while we were going downtown yesterday as we are both reading Byron Katie's book and both of us were very intrigued by the clarity that is presented in her books.

I especially like what she said that "when we argue with reality, we lose 100% of the time". I was observing a family member relating to me how someone has wronged her and throughout the conversation, this person was telling me the act that she deemed wrong and unfair to her in great detail. As I was listening, I realised that the incident happened a few days ago but the anger that was displayed seems like that it had just happened.

As i see this happening, I could not help but reflect how I do the same thing. Whenever I experience an unpleasant incident, I'll tell a friend about the incident not leaving out any details and I am hoping that my friend will be on my side and agree that I was a victim. When she agrees, i feel good as it confirms that I'm a victim and should be pitied. I could relate the incident to a few more persons to gather more evidence against the other person. I realized that when i relate the incident again and again to different people, I feel wronged again and again. This sort of nailed the nail to the coffin because I had convinced myself I am a victim and the other person is a monster.

But the funny thing is that the person had only said something nasty to me ONE time but I said the nasty thing to myself numerous times.... so who is the monster here ?? I realised that I was actually doing a disservice to myself because I'm holding on to the event and continue to give life to it. In other words, the other person is free while I've put myself in bondage.....what a silly thing to do. I'm hurting myself more than anyone ever could.

And I think because of this, the ego is maintained and nourished. I've given my freedom away because I choose to be Right rather than be Free.  Its so easy to forget what we really want and to succumb to our old habits.

I was telling SS that if we want an apple tree but we keep on planting mango trees, when would the apple come?. Never in a million years. So the same is the mind, if I was to cultivate anger each day, the first thing that will come up when an incident occurs is anger because I've not bothered to cultivate peace and calm though this is what I really wanted.

So, being ever vigilant about what I'm cultivating is getting to be more urgent if its peace I want and to stop the self hurting situation I unconsciously put myself into.